Jerry Quote #519
[stand-up:]
Jerry: The main difference between the women's wallet and the man's wallet is the photo section. True? Women carry with them a photograph of every person they've ever met, every day in their whole lives, since the beginning of time. And every picture is out of date. You know what I mean? It's, "Here's my cousin, three years old. She's in the marines now." "This is my dog. He died during the Johnson administration." You know. You get stopped by a cop, no licence, no registration. "Here's fifty-six people that know me." Cop goes. "All right, ma'am, just wanted to make sure you had some friends, move it along. Routine pal check."
Seinfeld Quotes
‘The Watch’ Quotes
Quote from Jerry
[stand-up:]
Jerry: It's an entire industry of bad gifts, aren't they? All those executive gifts. Any stupid, goofy, brass, wood thing, they put a piece of green felt on the bottom. "It's a golf, desk, tie and stress organizer, Dad." But to me, nothing compares with the paperweight as a bad gift. There's no better way than a paperweight to express to someone that, "I refuse to put any thought into this at all." Where are these people working that the papers are just blowing right off of their desks? What, are their desks screwed to the back of a flat-bed truck going down the highway or something? What, are they typing up in the crow's nest of a clipper ship? What do you need a paperweight for?
Quote from Morty Seinfeld
George: Yeah, like he was really gonna take your money.
Jerry: Oh, he took it. I put four hundred dollars in the new wallet.
George: You're kidding.
Jerry: He lost all that cash. It was the only way I could give it back to him, otherwise he wouldn't accept it.
George: Man, would I like to see the look on his face.
[Jerry gives his parents a final wave. They wave back.]
Morty Seinfeld: You believe this?
Helen Seinfeld: What?
Morty Seinfeld: It's Velcro.
Helen Seinfeld: You're kidding.
Morty Seinfeld: Who needs this? [throws it in the trash] Leo, let's go.
[As Helen and Morty get in Leo's car, he passes by the trash can and gives it a second look. He sees the new wallet and pockets it.]
Quote from Kramer
Elaine: Okay, so he just wants to talk to you. I couldn't talk him out of it. So you just tell him that you're my boyfriend and that we're in love, okay. Can you do that?
Kramer: Yeah, yeah, okay. I'm your boyfriend.
Elaine: Okay.
Kramer: Have we been intimate?
Elaine: Yeah. Yeah, we've been intimate.
Kramer: All right, how often do we do it?
Elaine: Kramer, how is that important? Honestly, do you really think he's gonna ask you that?
Kramer: Elaine, he's a psychiatrist. They're interested in stuff like that.
Elaine: All right, all right. We do it, uh... five times a week, okay?
Kramer: Ooh, baby.