Man: You came all the way out from Manhattan for this?
Jerry: Yeah. Yeah, I did.
Man: So what do you do?
Jerry: [pats his head] I'm a comedian.
Man: Are you? Lemme ask you something. Where do you get your material?
Jerry: [still patting] I hear a voice.
Man: What kind of voice?
Jerry: A man's voice, but he speaks in German so I have to get a translator.
Man: How come you keep tapping your head.
Jerry: It's a nervous tic. I'm on L-Dopa.

George: I can't believe what's happening here. She hasn't taken her hands off me all night. She was always friendly around the office, but that was it.
Jerry: How do you account for this?
George: I don't know, maybe a safe fell on her head.
Jerry: Well, she obviously liked you all along.
George: No, I would have picked up on it. I can always tell when a woman likes me, they always somehow let you know. With me, they could torture me, I wouldn't tell them. If anything I'd try to make them think I don't like them, then they think, "Oh, look at this guy, he's not even looking at me, he must have something going for him, you know."

George: I don't like when a woman says, "Make love to me", it's intimidating. The last time a woman said that to me, I wound up apologizing to her.
Jerry: Really?
George: That's a lot of pressure. Make love to me. What am I, in the circus? What if I can't deliver?
Jerry: Oh, come on.
George: I can't perform under pressure. That's why I never play anything for money, I choke. I could choke tonight. And she works in my office, can you imagine? She goes around telling everyone what happened? Maybe I should cancel, I have a very bad feeling about this.
Jerry: George, you're thinking too much.
George: I know, I know, I can't stop it!

Kramer: Hey, how you doing?
Steve: Ah, look who's here.
Kramer: I'm sorry.
Jerry: Hey, it's okay.
Kramer: I had the directions on the seat right next to me. They flew out the window.
Elaine: Then how did you find the place?
Kramer: Well I knew the exit on the Long Island Expressway, and I thought that the address was 8713 Riviera Drive. Huh, huh, huh. So I drove around knocking on everybody's doors that had those numbers; 8317, 7813, 3718, 1837, who... Finally, I hit it. 8173.

Jerry: How did you get fleas?
George: Because my cousin's imbecile dog was rolling around outside and they got in his carpet.
Jerry: Maybe you can get yourself a little bow tie flea collar.
George: That's real funny.

George: So, are you coming to the party?
Jerry: I'd go, but Long Island, it's so far out, it smacks of desperation. The whole party, everyone's gonna be saying to me, "You came all the way out from Manhattan for this?"
George: You know Ava's gonna be there.
Jerry: Who?
George: The nice one that works in my office.
Jerry: Nah.
George: I'll drive.
Jerry: [sarcastically] Oh, well, now you're talking.
George: It's supposed to be a good party.
Jerry: What does that mean, good dip?
George: No, there'll be girls there.
Jerry: There's girls everywhere. I go out of my apartment, there's girls in the elevator. They're in cafeterias, subways... So what?

George: Excuse me, I gave you a twenty dollar bill and you only actually gave me change for a ten.
Cashier: You gave me a ten.
George: I'm positive I gave you a twenty.
Cashier: I know what you gave me.
George: You owe me ten dollars.
Cashier: Will you please step aside? Next?
George: All right, let's just examine the situation for a second. Who, in this situation, would be more likely to make a mistake? Me, who had access to my wallet, knew exactly what was in there? Or you--
Cashier: You.
George: No, no, no. See you're not really listening.

Man: On the other hand, you take a guy like George Washington Carver. The man devoted his whole life to the peanut. Imagine having so much passion for something.
[As Elaine pats her head, she looks back to see if Jerry has noticed]

Man: I've often wondered if he ever worked with the pecan.
Elaine: [still patting her head] Yeah, me too.
Man: Now is that considered a nut, because I know the cashew is a legume.

Elaine: What have you been doing? I've been smacking myself senseless. People think I'm a mental patient.
Jerry: Hey, I was dying over there.
Elaine: This guy's going off on the peanut. Now pay attention.