Jerry: What could possess anyone to throw a party? I mean, to have a bunch of strangers treat your house like a hotel room.

[stand-up:]
Jerry: So I was in the drug store the other day, trying to get a cold medication. You ever try and pick one of these out? It's not easy. It's a wall. It's an entire wall of cold medication, you stand there, you're going, "All right, all right, all right, okay, what the hell am I...? This is quick-acting, but this is long-lasting. When do I need to feel good, now or later?" It's a tough question. And they always show you the commercials on TV where they show you what's wrong with the guy, you know? And they always show you, like, all the problems that he's having. First of all, the always show you the human body, which is usually this guy. No face, mouth open... This is how drug companies see the public. And he's always in, like, a certain pain. It's like red wavy lines are going through him or he's glowing. Parts of him are on fire sometimes. Lightning is attacking him. I never had a doctor say to me, "Are you having any pain?" "Yes, I am." "Are you having any lightning with the pain?"

[stand-up:]
Jerry: There's two types of favors, the big favor and the small favor. You can measure the size of the favor by the pause that a person takes after they ask you to "do me a favor." Small favor, small pause. "Can you do me a favor, hand me that pencil?" No pause at all. Big favors are, "Could you do me a favor..."