Elaine: Obviously, Mr. Peterman, there's something wrong with this test. I don't take opium. Let me take another one, please? I'll call the doctor right now, I'll take a pop urine test.
J. Peterman: All right, Elaine.
Elaine: Oh, thank you Mr. Peterman. [drinks a glass of water] I'll be ready in three minutes.

Jerry: Hey, you're not giving it to me, man. What's wrong?
Kramer: I just took a bath, Jerry. A bath.
Jerry: No good?
Kramer: It's disgusting. I'm sitting there in a tepid pool of my own filth. All kinds of microscopic parasites and organisms having sex all around me.
Jerry: Well, you used to sit in that hot tub?
Kramer: Jerry, that was super-heated water. Nothing could live in that.

Elaine: A poppy seed! It must have been in the chicken. Oh, I'm dead. I'm going to the doctor's in a half an hour.
Helen Seinfeld: Why?
Elaine: It's a long story.
Helen Seinfeld: Just a second, I have to go to the bathroom.
Elaine: [rushes over to stop Helen] What are you gonna do in there?
Helen Seinfeld: What am I gonna do in the bathroom?
Elaine: You gotta do me a favor.
Helen Seinfeld: Elaine, I really--
Elaine: Hold on a second. Mrs. Seinfeld, I need your sample.
Helen Seinfeld: You want my urine?
Elaine: I need a clean urine sample from a woman.

[Kramer enters Jerry's apartment with uncharacteristically flat hair]
Kramer: Jerry? Jerry!
[Jerry enters from the bathroom, his hair also flat]
Kramer: What, you too?
Jerry: Yeah!
Kramer: These showers are horrible. There's no pressure, I can't get the shampoo out of my hair.
Jerry: Me either.
Kramer: If I don't have a good shower, I am not myself. I feel weak and ineffectual. I'm not Kramer.

[stand-up:]
Jerry: You get to a certain point with your parents where really the only thing you can do with them is eat. You can't talk anymore but you want to at least try and keep your mouths moving. And they're so anxious for it, you know. You come in: "How was the plane? You must be hungry." "How did you sleep? Are you ready for breakfast?" My mother will argue with me about what I like. "Can I have a piece of pumpkin pie?" "You don't like pumpkin pie." "Yes, I do." "Since when?" "What's the difference? Can I have it?" "No, I have never seen you eat a piece of pumpkin pie."

Elaine: Mr. Peterman sent me over here for a physical because, as you may or may not know, he and I are going on a trip to Kenya. Africa. My first such mission for the company. The Massai bushmen wear these great sandals and we're gonna knock them off. Not the Massai, the sandals.
Doctor: I'll need a urine sample.
Elaine: Right.

Jerry: [answers phone] Hello?
Morty Seinfeld: Jerry, what time do we have to be at the the Tonight Show on Thursday.
Jerry: You gotta be there at 4:30.
Morty Seinfeld: But it comes on 11:30.
Jerry: Yeah, well they tape it in the afternoon and then they air it at 11:30.
Morty Seinfeld: How long they been doing this?
Jerry: 30 years.
Morty Seinfeld: [shouts] Helen, did you know that they tape this thing in the afternoon?
Jerry: All right, I'll see you later.

Elaine: Georgie, how come your parents never moved to Florida?
George: Yeah, that is odd, isn't it?
Jerry: Yeah, it is.
George: I mean, they're retired.
Jerry: No economic reason for them to be here.
George: They have no friends.
Jerry: No social reason for them to be here.
Elaine: You're all grown up.
George: Yeah, they're through ruining my life. What the hell are they still doing here? Let me see this pamphlet. Hm. All right, I'll, uh, get back to you. [leaves with the pamphlet]

George: Whew! Boy, it's cold outside, huh? Oh, these New York winters. Ha! Bitter cold, bitter.
Frank Costanza: I was out for five minutes before, I couldn't feel my extremities.
Estelle Costanza: What extremities?

George: You know what they got in Florida? Jai alai. You bet on the games, you clean up.
Estelle Costanza: I don't bet.
George: What about the dolphins? You could swim with the dolphins down there.
Estelle Costanza: I don't swim.
George: You could pet them. They come right out of the water onto the sidewalks.
Estelle Costanza: Are you trying to get rid of us?
George: Rid? Nah, come on. The word is care. Care. I care about your comfort, be it here in Queens or twelve-hundred miles away.