Jerry: Any luck?
Kramer: No. No, nothing. I got no... peristalsis.
Jerry: What about bran?
Kramer: I tried bran. 40%, 50%, 100%. The bran isn't working for me.
Jerry: What about Meta-
Kramer: Did it.
Jerry: How about Ex-
Kramer: Yeah, had it.
George: Milk of magne-
Kramer: Yeah, yeah.
Jerry: Well, my friend. It may be time to consider the dreaded apparatus.
Kramer: Pfft! Hold it right there. If you're suggesting what I think you're suggesting, you're wasting your time. I am not, Jerry, under any circumstances, doing any... inserting in that area.
Jerry: Oh, it's not that bad!
George: Yes, it is.

[montage of people watching "Jerry" on TV:]
Susan & Allison: [both] George!
[cut]
Sid: What kind of stupid show is this? Hey! It's that idiot that took all my records! [the housekeeper laughs]
[cut]
Marla: John, what are you doing? Come back to bed.
John: [Boston accent] This show looks interesting. Isn't he that Seinfeld fellow you went out with?
Marla: Ooh, he's horrible! Horrible!
John: Nevertheless...
[cut]
The Drake: Ah, that Jerry's a funny guy. Huh? Got to love the Sein!
The Drakette: Hate the Sein!
[cut to Ping and Cheryl talking in Mandarin]
[cut to Donald, the Bubble Boy, watching with his parents:]
Donald: [o.s.] This is a piece of crap!
Mrs. Sanger: Donald, you used to like him.
Donald: What a sellout! Give me that remote!
Mel Sanger: No, Donald.

[montage of people watching "Jerry" on TV:]
Morty Seinfeld: That's terrific!
Helen Seinfeld: How could anyone not like him?
[cut:]
Calvin Klein: I like his style. He has a sort of casual elegance.
Tia: But he picks his nose.
Calvin Klein: Nevertheless...
[cut:]
Sal Bass: He's a member of our health club. Isn't he?
Sidra: Yeah...
Sal Bass: You know that Kim Novak has some big breasts?
[cut to Newman snoring as baseball game plays on his TV]

[stand-up:]
Jerry: Now, I know women often complain about the number of things you have to do to get male attention. The high heels, the pantyhose, the make-up. But let me tell you, it's even worse if you're a man. Because if you're a man, you don't know what to do. That's why we're building bridges, climbing mountains, exploring uncharted territories. You think we want to do these things? Nobody wants to build a bridge. It's really, really hard. Designing rockets, flying off into space. I guarantee you, every astronaut when he comes back from space, goes up to a girl and goes, "So, did you see me up there?"

Kramer: Why can't I play Kramer?
Jerry: Look, we've been through this already. You're not an actor!
Kramer: Neither are you.
Jerry: I know. So why do we need two people in the show that can't act?
Kramer: Oh, come on Jerry. How hard is it to act? You say something, I'll pretend it's funny.
Jerry: My grandmother's in the hospital.
Kramer: [laughs] Your grandmother's in the hospital!
Jerry: This is real believable.
Kramer: What? What, you didn't think I was really laughing?
Jerry: It stinks.
Kramer: Let me see you do it.
Jerry: Say something funny.
Kramer: All right. I've never been to Mars but I imagine it's quite lovely.
Jerry: Ah... [silent laugh]
Kramer: Mine was better than that! Come on look. [both laugh manically]

Russell: Anyway, it's a ground breaking show.
Elaine: Really? What is it about?
Russell: Well, really- [chuckles] It's very unusual. It's about nothing.
Elaine: What do you mean it's about nothing?
Russell: For example, what did you do today?
Elaine: Um, I got up. Um, I went to work. Then I came here.
Russell: There's a show. that's a show.
Elaine: Russell, see, I'm really not interested in this stuff and I do have to go to work. So...

George: What if the pilot gets picked up and it becomes a series?
Dana: That'd be wonderful, George. You'll be rich and successful.
George: Yeah, that's exactly what I'm worried about. God would never let me be successful. He'd kill me first. He'll never let me be happy.
Dana: I thought you didn't believe in God?
George: I do for the bad things.
Dana: Do you hear what you're saying? God isn't out to get you George. What... What is that on your lip?
George: What?
Dana: It's like a discoloration. It's white.
George: [picks up a mirror] Yes. Yes, it's white. Why it's white.
Dana: You'd better get that checked out.
George: Better get that checked out?
Dana: I would.
George: What kind of a therapist are you? I'm telling I'm scared that something terrible is gonna happen to me, right away you start looking for tumors?
Dana: I'm trying to help you.
George: What are you like a sadist? No matter how bad somebody feels, you can make 'em feel worse. I bet you're rooting for a tumor.
Dana: I think you'd better go.
George: Oh, I'm going baby! I'm going!

Jerry: Where?
George: Right here.
Jerry: Get out of here, it's nothing.
George: [to the cab driver] Excuse me, do you see anything on my lip here?
Cab Driver: Yeah, it's like a discoloration.
George: Oh, my God.
Cab Driver: Yeah, it's all white.
George: It's all white, Jerry! It's all white!
Jerry: Would you stop?
Cab Driver: I would get that checked out if I were you.
George: Again with the checked out.

George: I'm not going to the doctor. If I don't to the doctor, then nothing will happen to me. If I go, he might find something.
Jerry: If you go, maybe they'll catch it in time.
George: Catch what in time?
Jerry: Whatever it is.
George: You think it's something?
Cab Driver: Ah! I hate these bums with their filthy rags. No, no, no. I don't want it. Get away! Get away from my car.
Jerry: [to George] You know these squeegee- Oh, my God! It's crazy Joe Davola.
Joe Davola: Good luck on the pilot Jerry.

Stu: Yeah I think I see it. It's like a white discoloration.
George: What do you think it is?
Jay: It's like a... white discoloration.