Helen Seinfeld: They were supposed to be here at 7:30. Call the airlines again.
Morty Seinfeld: What happened to the scotch tape? Who takes the scotch tape? Nobody returns anything around here.
Helen Seinfeld: Oh, I think that's them!
Morty Seinfeld: You what I'll do next time? I'll hide it so nobody can find it.

Morty Seinfeld: So, what took you so long?
Jerry: Uh, we waited 35 minutes in the rent-a-car place.
Helen Seinfeld: I don't know why you had to rent a car. We would have picked you up.
Jerry: What's the difference?
Helen Seinfeld: Well, you could have used our car.
Jerry: I don't wanna use your car.
Helen Seinfeld: What's wrong with our car?
Jerry: Nothing. It's a fine car. What if you wanna use it?
Helen Seinfeld: We don't use it.
Morty Seinfeld: What are you talking? We use it.
Helen Seinfeld: If you were using it, we wouldn't use it.
Jerry: So what would you do? You'd hitch?

Helen Seinfeld: How much is a rent-a-car?
Jerry: I don't know. 25 bucks a day.
Helen Seinfeld: What? You're crazy.
Morty Seinfeld: Plus the insurance.
Jerry: Oh, I didn't get the insurance.
Morty Seinfeld: How could you not get the insurance?
Helen Seinfeld: We'll pay for the car.
Jerry: You're not paying for it.
Helen Seinfeld: Morty.

Jerry: God, it's so hot in here. Why don't you put on the air conditioning?
Helen Seinfeld: You don't need the air conditioner. So, you have your speech all ready?
Jerry: It's not a speech. Do I have to make a speech?
Helen Seinfeld: Of course, they're giving a testimonial for your father. You could do your comic routines.
Jerry: Oh, yeah. That will go over real well with that crowd.

Elaine: Ooh, you have a lake?
Jerry: The lake isn't real.
Helen Seinfeld: The lake is real.
Morty Seinfeld: Are you kidding? They built the lake.
Helen Seinfeld: But it's real. It's water.

Helen Seinfeld: Where are you going with those?
Jerry: I'm gonna put Elaine's stuff in here.
Helen Seinfeld: Don't sleep in there. You can you sleep in the bedroom.
Elaine: I can't take your bedroom.
Helen Seinfeld: I'm up at 6 o'clock in the morning.
Elaine: I can't kick you out of your bed.
Helen Seinfeld: We don't even sleep.

Helen Seinfeld: But this is a sofa bed, you'll be uncomfortable.
Jerry: [to Morty] What about you?
Morty Seinfeld: Why should I be comfortable?
Jerry: [to Helen] What about him?
Helen Seinfeld: Don't worry, he's comfortable.
Morty Seinfeld: I'll sleep standing up. I'll be fine.

Helen Seinfeld: [quietly] What happened?
Jerry: I don't know. We decided we don't really work as a couple.
Helen Seinfeld: What does that mean?
Jerry: Well...
Morty Seinfeld: [loudly] Why are you whispering?
Jerry: Shh! Nothing, nothing.
Helen Seinfeld: Elaine.
Morty Seinfeld: [still loud] What about her?

[As Jerry talks about Elaine to his parents, he changes the conversation when Elaine walks in the room]
Jerry: But, you know, look at the sun-dried tomatoes. Where were they five years ago? You know, It just goes to show you. You never know what... You know what, huh... What could happen to a vegetable. It could just take right off at any time.

Jerry: We've tried all kind of arrangements, but we can't seem to be friend when we sleep together.
Morty Seinfeld: Why do you need more friends? You've got plenty of friends.
Helen Seinfeld: He's an idealist.
Morty Seinfeld: What the hell are you looking for?
Jerry: I'm looking. That's the point. I like looking.
Helen Seinfeld: He likes looking.
Morty Seinfeld: So look.
Helen Seinfeld: But how long can you look?
Jerry: I'm going for the record.