Jack: What happened to you?
Jerry: I got in a fist fight with one of the ladies at the pool.
Helen Seinfeld: It's from scuba diving.
Jack: What's there to see underwater?

Morty Seinfeld: You know, Jack, you've got a hell of a nerve taking that kid's pen.
Jack: Whose pen?
Morty Seinfeld: His pen.
Jack: This happens to be my pen.
Morty Seinfeld: You didn't give it to him.
Jack: What are you talking about? He practically begged me for it.
Morty Seinfeld: Where do you come off with this crap?
Jack: Listen, do you think I take everything everybody offers me? You offered me sponge cake yesterday. Did I take it?
Morty Seinfeld: You said you didn't want it!
Jack: Of course I wanted it! I love sponge cake!
Morty Seinfeld: Then who the hell said you couldn't have any? I mean what the hell do I care whether you have sponge cake?

Jack: Because I saw the look on your face last week when I took the scotch tape!
Morty Seinfeld: Ah-ha. So you got the scotch tape! I've been looking all over for it!
Jack: Don't worry about it! I'll give it back!
Morty Seinfeld: I don't want it!
Jack: I don't want it!
Morty Seinfeld: You know, Jack, do me a favor will you? Take the pen and the scotch tape, and get the hell out of here!
Jack: Listen, do you think I give a damn?
Morty Seinfeld: Aah! [Jack leaves] The nerve of that guy! Taking back that pen. Well that's it for them.

Photographer: Say astronaut.
Elaine: [laughs, walks toward the photographer] Say what? Say what?
Jerry: You took too many of those pills.
Morty Seinfeld: Astronaut?
Helen Seinfeld: Say it.
All: Astronaut!
Elaine: [laughs] Astronaut!

Uncle Leo: What's with the sunglasses? Who are you? Van Johnson?
Jerry: I've got a black eye.

Stella: We saw you on "The Tonight Show" last week.
Uncle Leo: I thought Johnny was very rude to you. He didn't even let you talk.
Jerry: No, no.
Uncle Leo: You need some new material. I've heard you do that dog routine three times already.
Elaine: [as Brando] Stella! Stella!
Uncle Leo: Listen, you should get your cousin Jeffrey to write some material for you.
Morty Seinfeld: What are you talking? Jeffrey works for the parks department!
Uncle Leo: You should read the letters he's written. He's funnier than the whole bunch of you! Oh, here's Jack. We should sit down.
Stella: This better be good. I'm missing Golden Girls for this.

Morty Seinfeld: Tell them about when you took my son's pen back. Tell them about that!
Jerry: Dad!
Morty Seinfeld: [to the crowd] He gave my son a pen, and then he takes it back. Tell them about that!
Jack: He gave it to me!
Morty Seinfeld: Come on. That's enough, sit down!
Jack: I'm not sitting down!

Chiropractor: You could aggravate it. I wouldn't go anywhere for at least five days.
Elaine: Five days? You want me to stay here for five more days?
Jerry: There must be some mistake.
Chiropractor: I'm afraid not.
Elaine: Five days. Here.
Helen Seinfeld: [to Jerry] So we have you for five more days!
Jerry: [to Elaine] Well there's really no point in me staying. I mean you just gonna be...
Elaine: Excuse me?
Jerry: Nothing.