[stand-up:]
Jerry: I am not gay. I am, however, thin, single and neat. Sometimes when someone is thin, single and neat... people assume they're gay because that's the stereotype. We normally don't think of gay people as fat, sloppy and married. Although I'm sure there are, I don't want to perpetuate the stereotype. I'm sure they're the minority, though, within the gay community. Probably discriminated against. Because of that, people say to them: "You know, Joe, I enjoy being gay with you... but I think it's about time you, you know, got in shape, tucked your shirt in and lost the wife." But if people are gonna assume that neat people are gay, maybe instead of doing this: "I think Joe might be a little... [limp hand gesture]" They should vacuum. "You know, I think Joe might be... [vroom]". Yeah. Yeah, I got a feeling he's a little... [vroom]".

Helen Seinfeld: [on the phone] Jerry.
Jerry: Ma, it's not true.
Morty Seinfeld: It was those damn culottes you made him wear when he was 5.
Helen Seinfeld: They weren't culottes. They were shorts.
Morty Seinfeld: They were culottes! You bought them in the girls' department.
Helen Seinfeld: By mistake. By mistake, Jerry. I'm sorry.
Morty Seinfeld: It looked like he was wearing a skirt, for crying out loud.
Jerry: It has nothing to do with the culottes.
Helen Seinfeld: Not that there's anything wrong with that, Jerry.

Elaine: Hey, who do you think is the most unattractive world leader?
Jerry: Living or all time?
Elaine: All time.
Jerry: Well, if it's all time, then there's no contest. It begins and ends with Brezhnev.
Elaine: I dunno. You ever get a good look at DeGaulle?
George: Lyndon Johnson was uglier than Degaulle.
Elaine: I got news for you. Golda Meir could make them all run up a tree.

Allison: I don't want to live! I don't want to live!
George: Because of me? You must be joking! Who wouldn't want to live because of me? I'm nothing!
Allison: No, you're something.
George: You can do better than me. You could throw a dart out the window and hit someone better than me. I'm no good!
Allison: You're good. You're good!
George: I'm bad. I'm bad!
Allison: You're killing me!

George: So what could I do? I couldn't go through with it. She threatened to kill herself.
Elaine: Over you?
George: Yes. Why, is that so inconceivable?

Elaine: Hey, come here. Come here. Those two girls behind you, they're eavesdropping.
George: Really?
Elaine: [loudly] You know, just because you two are homosexuals, so what? I mean you should just come out of the closet and be openly gay already.
George: So, what do you say? You know you'll always be the only man I'll ever love.
Jerry: What's the matter with you?
George: [quietly] Come on, go along...
Jerry: I'm not going along. I can just see you in Berlin in 1939 goose-stepping past me: "Come on, Jerry, go along, go along..."
Elaine: You're no fun.

Jerry: You know, I hear that all the time.
Elaine: Hear what?
Jerry: That I'm gay. People think I'm gay.
Elaine: Yeah, you know people ask me that about you, too.
Jerry: Yeah, 'cause I'm single, I'm thin and I'm neat.
Elaine: And you get along well with women.
George: I guess that leaves me in the clear.

George: Hey, I just thought of a great name for myself, if I ever become a porno actor.
Jerry: Oh yeah. What, "Buck Naked"?
George: Yeah, how did you know that?
Jerry: You told me that already like two months ago.

George: Jerry, did you wash this pear?
Jerry: Yeah, I washed it.
George: It looks like it hasn't been washed.
Jerry: So wash it.
George: [to Sharon] You hear the way he talks to me?
Sharon: You should hear how my boyfriend talks to me.
Jerry: What?

George: Hey, let me ask you something. What do you think of this shirt?
Sharon: It's nice.
George: Jerry said he didn't like it.
Jerry: I didn't say I didn't like it. I said it was okay.
George: Oh, you said you didn't like it.
Jerry: Oh, well, so what if I don't like it? Is that, like, the end of the world or something?