George: Let me ask you something. What do you do for a living, Newman?
Newman: I'm a United States postal worker.
George: Aren't those the guys that always go crazy and come back with a gun and shoot everybody?
Newman: Sometimes.
Jerry: Why is that?
Newman: Because the mail never stops. It just keeps coming and coming and coming, there's never a let-up. It's relentless. Every day it piles up more and more and more, and you gotta get it out but the more you get it out the more it keeps coming in. And then the bar code reader breaks and it's Publisher's Clearing House day!

[stand-up:]
Jerry: To me, the thing about old people is that they get smaller. You know, their bodies get smaller. They move into smaller places. They sleep less time. They eat smaller meals. Except the car. The older they get, the bigger their car gets. I've never understood that. And old people have a way of backing out of the driveway. You know what I mean? They don't turn from side to side. They just go, "I'm old. I've been waiting a long time. I'm backing it out." You know? "I'm coming back. Watch out, buddy, I'm coming.", you know. And you've gotta watch out for them. And then once they get out there, they drive so slowly. And I would think the less time you have in life, the faster you would want to go. You know, I think old people should be allowed to drive their age. If you're eighty, do eighty. If you're a hundred, go a hundred. I mean, they can't see where they're going anyway. Let them have a little fun out there.

[stand-up:]
Jerry: The life expectancy is now 72, I think, for men. 75 or 76 or something for women. It's amazing to think that just a couple of thousands of years ago, life expectancy was 30. Which, in our terms, would mean that you get your driver's license around 5, you'd marry at 9, divorced at 15. In your late teens, you move down to Florida. I guess that's how spring break got started. I don't know. And then, eventually, people are saying things about you like, "Well, it's amazing. He's 28, but he's still very alert. His mind is so sharp you'd think you were talking to a two-year-old."

Ben: No, I feel great for 85.
George: You know, the average life span for an American male is like, 72. You're really... kinda pushing the envelope there.
Ben: I'm not afraid of dying. I never think about it.
George: You don't? Boy, I think about it a lot. I think about it at my age. Imagine how much I'll be thinking about it at your age. All I'll do is keep thinking about it until it drives me insane...
Ben: I'm grateful for every moment I have.
George: Grateful? How can you be grateful when you're so close to the end? When you know that any second... Poof! Bamm-o! It can all be over. I mean you're not stupid, you can read the handwriting on the wall. It's a matter of simple arithmetic, for Gods sake.
Ben: I guess I just don't care.
George: What are you talking about? How can you sit there and look me in the eye and tell that me you're not worried?! Don't you have any sense?!! Don't you have a brain!? Are you so completely senile that you don't know what you're talking about anymore?! [Ben gets up] Wait a second, where are you going?
Ben: Life's too short to waste on you.
George: Wait a minute, please.
Ben: Get out of my way.
George: But Mr. Cantwell, you... You owe me for the soup.

George: Helping people. Of course. Of course! It makes perfect sense! How could I not be doing this!? I am gonna help somebody, damn it.
Elaine: What about you?
Jerry: Nah, it's not for me.
Elaine: Jerry, if anybody should be doing this, it's you.
George: What kind of a person are you?
Jerry: I think I'm pretty much like you, only successful.

Jerry: Well, I dunno about you two, but I'm quitting. I hate my guy. He's a mean, mean guy.
Elaine: I wish I could quit...
Jerry: So quit!
George: Yeah, I'm a great quitter. It's one of the few things I do well. I come form a long line of quitters. My father was a quitter, my grandfather was a quitter... I was raised to give up.

George: You don't speak any English?
Housekeeper: No English.
George: I would like to dip my bald head in oil and rub it all over your body. [she has no reaction] You don't understand! It's a miracle! You don't understand because you don't speak English!

Kramer: So what's up, Diggity Dog?
Jerry: George and I just signed up with the Senior Citizen's Volunteer Agency. Same thing Elaine's doing.
Kramer: Oh, that's too bad. Now don't say I didn't try to warn you.
Jerry: What are you talking about?
Kramer: Oh, Jerry, I'm surprised at you!
Jerry: What?
Kramer: It's a con. These agencies are usually a front for some money laundering scheme. Or they're bunco artists; bilking people out of their life savings. Oh, yeah.
Jerry: Where do you get this?
Kramer: The alternative media, Jerry. That's where you hear the truth.

George: Oh, what's the point? When I like them, they don't like me, when they like me, I don't like them. Why can't I act with the ones I like the way I do with the ones I don't like?
Jerry: Well, you've only got another fifty years or so to go, and it'll all be over...
George: Maybe I need someone who doesn't speak English.
Jerry: Yeah, how about a mute?
George: A mute would be good.
Jerry: Ah, where you gonna meet a mute?
George: This is what my life has come to: trying to meet a mute. I don't know, Jerry, something's missing. There's a void, Jerry. There's a void.
Jerry: A deep, yawning chasm
George: There's got to be more to life than this. What gives you pleasure?
Jerry: Listening to you. I listen to this for fifteen minutes, I'm on top of the world. Your misery is my pleasure.

George: Volunteer work, huh?
Jerry: What are you gonna do down there?
Elaine: Well, they say all it is is that you go over to their apartment and, I dunno, you take them for a walk and you get a cup of coffee and it's supposed to make them feel good.
Jerry: That's what I do with him. [points to George]