Ron: Well, what do you got here? You know, you got "Don Ho: Live At Honolulu", you got "Jerry Vale Sings Italian Love Songs" you got Sergio Mendes, now come on...
Kramer: Wait, wait, wait. Sergio Mendes has a cult following.
Newman: They follow him like a cult.
Kramer: He can't even walk down the street in South America.
Ron: Look, that's his problem, all right? Now you don't like it, too bad.
Kramer: [in Newman's ear] I don't like it.
Newman: I don't like it.
Ron: Well, then get the hell out of my store, all right? You bring me something decent, I'll give you some money.
Kramer: [in Newman's ear] All right, we'll be back, jack.
Newman: All right, we'll be back, jack!

George: When did you get this idea?
Elaine: Last time I had lunch with you here. You were going on and on and on about how you wanted to meet somebody who didn't speak English.
Jerry: What, do you break it in with her, then you try it out on me?

George: Hey, what's your guy's name again?
Jerry: Fields. Sidney Fields. 87 years old. 87. How about your guy?
George: Ben Cantwell. 85. Huh, you think we'll make it to that age?
Jerry: "We"? No.

Newman: [at Kramer's door] Kramer?! Kramer!? Where are you? Kramer!?! Kramer!!?
Kramer: I'm in here. Come on..
Jerry: Hello, Newman.
Newman: Jerry, George. [to Kramer] So, did you ask him about the records?
Kramer: Well-
Jerry: What records?
Kramer: Well, Newman and I are going partners selling used records. [secret handshake with Newman]
Newman: You know Ron's Records down on Bleeker? They pay big cash for used records.
Kramer: Yeah, so we thought if you had any of those big, you know, old- fashioned useless records, you know, just... lyin' around--
Newman: You know, we'd take them off your hands, free of charge.

Ron: I'll give you five bucks.
Kramer: Five bucks?
Newman: Well, you know how much those records are worth!?
Ron: Yeah, I do. Five dollars.
Newman: Those records are worth more than five dollars!
Kramer: [in Newman's ear] He's gypping us.
Newman: You're gypping us!

Jerry: Hi, I'm Jerry Seinfeld, the agency sent me.
Sid: Agency? What agency? The CIA?
Jerry: No, no, the-
Sid: Who let you in here?
Jerry: The woman, she-
Sid: Oh, her. She steals from me. Steals my money. She says she doesn't speak English. My ass she doesn't speak English. Plays that freakin' "voo-doo" music, tries to hypnotize me. She thinks she's gonna turn me into a zombie and then rob me blind. Well, I wasn't born yesterday. I may drop dead today, but I sure as hell wasn't born yesterday. Now get the hell out of my house!
Jerry: Mr. Fields, I'm here to spend some time with you.
Sid: Oh, really. Are you the boyfriend? I know she's got a boyfriend. Are you going to kill me? I'm an old man for crying out loud, you gonna kill an old man, you coward?!?

Jerry: What's all this stuff?
Sid: Trash. Garbage.
Jerry: You're throwing this out?
Sid: I believe that's what you do with garbage, you idiot.
Jerry: You don't want any of this?
Sid: Well, if I wanted it I wouldn't be throwing it away, Einstein.
Jerry: You know I have some friends who would really like to have these.
Sid: Well, take it. I'm sure as hell not going to give it to my family.
Jerry: Well, do you want to go out for a walk, get a cup of coffee?
Sid: With you? I'd rather be dead.
Jerry: Well, maybe I'll get goin' then. I just remembered I got an appointment to get my, um, tonsils out.
Sid: Good. Thank God. Good riddance. Oh listen, before you go, would you mind changing my diaper? [laughs]

Elaine: Mrs. Oliver?
Mrs. Oliver: Yes, my dear?
Elaine: [gasps]
Mrs. Oliver: What's the trouble? Are you all right?
Elaine: Yeah. Yeah. Yes. Yeah.
Mrs. Oliver: It's my goiter, isn't it?
Elaine: Did you say goiter? What goiter?
Mrs. Oliver: This football-shaped lump jutting out the side of my neck.
Elaine: Oh, that goiter. Hey. [chuckles] What do you?
Mrs. Oliver: Does it bother you?
Elaine: Bother me? Oh, pfft. Why would a little goiter like that bother me? No, not a bit. It's nothing. It's nothing. It's um, in fact, it's um, it's very distinctive, y'know? Um, I mean you want to know something? I, I wish I had one. Really.

Jerry: Come on Elaine, it's just a goiter.
Elaine: I don't know what I'm going to do. I can't look the woman in the face. I mean I keep thinking that that goiter's gonna start talking to me! You'd think they'd mention that before they send you over there: "Oh, by the way, this woman almost has a second head.". But no, no, I didn't get any goiter information.
Jerry: They really should mention that in the breakdown: height, weight, goiter.
Elaine: You know, you try to do some good. You want to be a good person but this is too much to ask.
Jerry: Yeah. Well, I'll tell you, I'd rather talk to a goiter with a nice disposition than the nut they sent me to.

Elaine: Hey Georgie, what happened with your guy?
George: I don't think it's gonna work out.
Jerry: What do you mean?
George: He fired me.
Jerry: He fired you?
Elaine: How do you get fired from a volunteer job?
George: I dunno. I was just talking to the man and he walked out on me!