Jerry: You're swimming in the East River? The most heavily-trafficked, overly-contaminated waterway on the eastern seaboard?
Kramer: Technically, Norfolk has more gross tonnage.
Jerry: How could you swim in that water?
Kramer: I saw a couple of other guys out there.
Jerry: Swimming?
Kramer: Well, floating. They weren't moving much. But they were out there.

Mr. Steinbrenner: Costanza? Where's Costanza? Excuse mois? Have you seen Costanza?
Secretary: I've seen him around.
Mr. Steinbrenner: Um. He was humming this song yesterday. I can't seem to get it out of my head. I've got to know the name of that. "She's a heartbreaker A love-taker Brubaker run this prison like a man Ooh Ooh" Something like that. Very catchy tune. Very, very catchy. Well, you know what? I'm gonna sit here and wait for that guy. What is this, People? "The Most Beautiful People" People. Connie Sellecca. Nothing wrong that, huh?

Kramer: [enters Jerry's renovated kitchen] Oh man, I'm on the wrong floor again.
Elaine: Hey, thanks for ruining my mattress. It reeks.
Kramer: Hey, you know what I think it is? I think it's that East River. I think it might be polluted.

Kramer: I got pool problems Jerry.
Jerry: What happened?
Kramer: Well, I had been swimming for three hours and I was in a real groove so I decided to keep going. But at ten, they start the aquacise. 35 geriatrics throwing elbows. It was like I was swimming through a flabby-armed spanking machine.
Jerry: Well, how long did that last?
Kramer: A half hour then diving class started. Well, that got a little messy. I gotta find a new place to swim, 'cause that pool can't hold me, Jerry.

George: You know that manslaughter is the least serious murder charge?
Jerry: You don't say.
George: Manslaughter. Literally, the slaughter of a man. Sounds brutal, doesn't it?
Jerry: Heinous.
George: Yet it's the most socially acceptable form of murder.
Jerry: So you think we should change the name?
George: Yes, I do. How about, "inadvertent life-ending"? "Unintentional snuff-out."
Jerry: How about "I can't believe it's not murder"?

Jerry: So what are you doing now?
Elaine: I'm going to take a little stroll through the park.
Jerry: With a gentleman caller?
Elaine: Yes, his name is Hal.
Jerry: The walking date is a good date. You don't have to look right at the other person.
Elaine: Hey, it's the next best thing to being alone.

Elaine: Hey, Kramer, listen, you've seen The Omen, right?
Elaine: What exactly was that kid?
Kramer: Oh, Damien? Nothing, just a mischievous, rambunctious kid.

Jerry: So what are you going to do with the mattress?
Elaine: I don't know. Chuck it?
Kramer: Oh, no, no, no, no, I'll take it. Why don't you come over? Let's see if it will fit in my bedroom.
Elaine: Oh, all right.
Kramer: My old one sprung a leak.
Elaine: You have a water bed?
Kramer: Sand. It's like sleeping on the beach.

Mr. Steinbrenner: Where the hell is this guy? I've been waiting here for three and a half hours for crying out loud. Should I go? No way, Jack! I'm not going humming it to the guy at the record store again, I'll tell you that.
Secretary: Mr. Steinbrenner?
Mr. Steinbrenner: That's what they call me.
Secretary: Your grandchildren are here to see you.
Mr. Steinbrenner: Oh, well, send them in. Send the little tykes in. Hey, you little kids. Who are you people? Come here. Come here. How about a ride on the Stein-pony express? Get up here. What's your name, Shorty? Mel? Are you Mel?

Mr. Steinbrenner: George, can you imagine what went through my mind when I saw there wasn't going to be enough room under that desk for me and my babies.
George: I'm sorry, sir.
Mr. Steinbrenner: You know what I think? I think you knew about that bomb ahead of time.
George: What?
Mr. Steinbrenner: You had a premonition about the bomb. You climbed under that desk because you have ESP. Quick, George, put a thought in my mind. Mmm. Meatballs! Huh? Unbelievable. You're a wonder, George. Anyway, this terrorist had a specific demand. No more cheap adjustable hats for Hat Day. He wants fitted hats just like the players wear.