Morty Seinfeld: You wanna take a ride?
Jack: No, thank you.
Morty Seinfeld: Come on, take a ride.
Jack: I don't wanna take a ride.
Morty Seinfeld: Why not?
Jack: I don't feel like taking a ride. Do I have to take a ride?!
Jerry: He doesn't wanna take a ride.
Morty Seinfeld: Uh-huh.
Jack: What do you think, I've never ridden in a Cadillac before? Believe me, I've ridden in a Cadillac hundreds of times. Thousands.
Morty Seinfeld: Thousands?!
Jack: What? Do you think you're such a big shot now, because you got a Cadillac?
Morty Seinfeld: Aah!
Jack: Aah! [walks away]
Morty Seinfeld: Could you believe that guy?
Jerry: Aah!

George: [to Katy in her hospital bed] Anyway, I was thinking about what you said. About uh, me and Marisa. You know, about the uh, two of us getting together. And I know that I said I was engaged, but... Uh, you know, it's really just something you say. It's like, going steady. You know uh, going steady, engaged, it's... It's all just stuff you say. Anyway, I was watching uh, My Cousin Vinnie, on the uh, on the tape the other day, and I was thinking that uh, you know, the two of us might take a meeting, as they say. [chuckles] So, what do you, what do you think? Move a pinkie, if it's yes. Can you move a pinkie?

Jack: Come on Morty, the jig is up!
Morty Seinfeld: What are you talking about?
Jack: I'm sorry. I'm sitting here, the whole meeting, holding my tongue. I've known you a long time, Morty, but I cannot hold it in any longer.
Herb: What's going on, Jack?
Jack: I'll tell you what's going on. Morty Seinfeld has been stealing funds from the treasury.
Morty Seinfeld: Stealing?!
Ralph: What proof do you have?
Jack: Proof? You want proof? He's driving around in a brand new Cadillac. Now what more proof do you want?
Morty Seinfeld: My son bought me that car!
Jack: Your son?
Morty Seinfeld: Yeah.
Jack: Your son could never afford that car. We all saw his act last year at the playhouse. He's lucky he can pay his rent!
Herb: Jack's right! He stinks!
Ralph: It's his material.
Morty Seinfeld: I tell you, he bought it for me!
Herb: I move for a full investigation!
Ralph: I second.

Helen Seinfeld: Impeachment?
Morty Seinfeld: That's right. Have you ever heard of anything like that?
Helen Seinfeld: Can they do that?
Morty Seinfeld: If they get the votes.
Helen Seinfeld: I told you we shouldn't have let him give us the car.
Jerry: Didn't you tell them I got the bill of sale? That proves I paid for it.
Morty Seinfeld: It doesn't make a difference. They think we're in cahoots.
Jerry: You know, you could put a fence around these condos, and call it an insane asylum. Nobody would know the difference!

Evelyn: He's voting to impeach. Not because he think you stole the money, but mainly because you never thanked him for giving you his aisle seat at Freddy Roman's show.
Morty Seinfeld: I did so thank him!
Helen Seinfeld: No, he never heard you. I told you he didn't hear you.
Morty Seinfeld: Ah, he's deaf anyway.

Evelyn: Okay. I'll see you at the Lichtenberg's, tonight.
Helen Seinfeld: The Lichtenberg's?
Evelyn: Yes, they're having a party.
Helen Seinfeld: We weren't invited.
Evelyn: Oh. Probably they think you're too good for them. You know, because of the car.
Helen Seinfeld: We're losing all our friends.

John: [on the phone] Hello, Mr. Kramer? This is John Hanaran, from Con Ed.
Kramer: Ohh, it's Hanaran now, is it?
John: Yeah. We've had some reports of power surges in your building. It seems some jokers were up on the roof, and they must have damaged some of the wires.
Kramer: Oh, you don't say.
John: Yeah. Either way, we need to get into your apartment and do a safety check.
[Kramer looks across the street to the phone booth, where an African-American woman is on the phone]
Kramer: Oh, you're good. You are really good.
John: What're you talking about? [Kramer hangs up]

Susan Ross: Hey! What are you watching? Only You? That's another Marisa Tomei movie, and you've seen that one too. What, do you have a thing for her?
George: [forced laughter] Yeah, yeah. I have a thing for Marisa Tomei. Like she would ever go out with a short, stocky, bald man. Like that's her type. Huh. She's an Oscar winner. Besides, I don't even know her. It's not like anyone's trying to fix us up. Who, who would try and fix me up with Marisa Tomei?
Susan Ross: What are you talking about?

Jerry: [answers phone] Hello?
Elaine: [flirtatious] Hi Jerry.
Jerry: Elaine? Wh- What's going on?
Elaine: [clears throat] I was thinking, I mean, I'm not really doing that much this weekend, and I thought, "Well, huh, what the hell, maybe I'll come down there and hang out a little."
Jerry: You wanna hang out here, at phase two of the Pines of Mar Gables?
Elaine: [girlish giggle] Well, it's just two hours by plane...
Jerry: Gee, I dunno what to tell you.
Elaine: [beep] Dammit! I got another call. Uh, hang on, don't hang up Jerry.

George: Marisa Tomei! I, just spoke to Marisa Tomei! And I wasn't even that nervous. You know, I can't remember the last time I called a woman without being nervous. I, usually, I'm pacing all over the room, I'm...
Elaine: [looks at watch] Okay, well that's all the time we have for today. Why don't we pick up with this next week?