Newman: I don't understand. You fill an eighteen-wheeler?
Kramer: No, an eighteen-wheeler's no good. Too much overhead. You got permits, weigh-stations, tolls... Look, you're way outta your league.
Newman: I wanna learn. I want to know why.

Tony: Oh, yeah. I remember this car. Beautiful car.
Jerry: Yeah. So, anyway, the engine's been idling a little rough. I thought it might be time for a check up... [Tony climbs inside] There's really nothing wrong on the inside.
Tony: Well, the shift knob is loose. You know about that?
Jerry: No, I hadn't noticed.
Tony: Have you been picking at it?
Jerry: Have I been picking at it? No, you know, it's just wear and tear.
Tony: Wear and tear. I see.
Jerry: The engine is really the only thing that needs checking.
Tony: You been rotating the tires?
Jerry: Try to.
Tony: You don't try to. You do it! Fifty-one percent of all turns are right turns. You know that? That's right.

Tony: Thanks for coming in, Jerry.
Jerry: Sure.
Tony: I think I know what's going on here, and I just wanna hear it from you. But I want you to be straight with me. Don't lie to me, Jerry. You know that motor oil you're putting in there? It's from one of those Quicky-Lube places, isn't it?
Jerry: Well, I change it so often, I mean to come all the way down here...
Tony: Jerry, motor oil is the lifeblood of a car. Okay, you put in a low-grade oil, you could damage vital engine parts. Okay. See this gasket? I have no confidence in that gasket.
Jerry: I really want to...
Tony: Here's what I wanna do. I want to overhaul the entire engine. But it's gonna take a major commitment from you. You're gonna have to keep it under sixty miles an hour for a while. You gotta come in, and you gotta get the oil changed every thousand miles.
Jerry: How much money is this gonna cost me?
Tony: [scoffs] I don't understand you. It's your own car we're talking about. You know, you wrote the wrong mileage down on the form? You barely know the car. You don't know the mileage, you don't know the tire pressure. When was the last time you even checked the washer fluid?
Jerry: The washer fluid is fine.
Tony: The washer fluid is not fine!

Detective: What was the suspect wearing at the time of the incident?
Jerry: You know, like mechanic's pants, a shirt that said 'Tony'. Let me ask you something, have you ever seen a case like this before?
Detective: All the time. A mechanic forms an emotional attachment, thinks he's gonna lose the car, he panics, he does something rash. I'm gonna ask you some personal questions. I'm sorry if I touch a nerve, but I think it'll
help with the case. Had you been taking good care of the car?
Jerry: Had I been taking...?
Detective: Well, did you leave the A/C on? Do you zip over speed bumps? Do you ride the clutch? Things like that.
Jerry: W- Well, what does it matter? It's my car, I can do whatever I want with it. [the detective stares at Jerry] Not that I would think of doing such things.

Jerry: I don't get it. He assigns it to you, you don't do it. Somehow it gets done, and now he's telling you what a great job you did.
George: Maybe somebody did it and didn't take credit for it. Maybe it was already done and didn't need doing in the first place. I have no idea who did it, what they did, or how they did it so well. And you know what? Jimmy crack corn and I don't care!

Jerry: [answers phone] Hello.
Tony: Hey Jerry, it's Tony.
Jerry: Tony, where are you?
Tony: Aw look, I just want you to know that the car is fine. I got her all fixed up. We're in a nice area, no potholes, no traffic. So there's nothing to worry about. Okay? In fact, here, somebody wants to talk to you. [Tony holds the phone toward the dash and revs the engine a little]
Jerry: Tony, you better bring that car back!
Tony: Nobody's giving anything back! You tried to take it from me, I don't forget that.
Jerry: Tony, it is my car, and I want it back!
Tony: Oh, your car. You want your car back!
Jerry: Tony.
Tony: Listen, that registration may have your name on it, Jerry. But this engine's running on my sweat and my blood. [hangs up]
Jerry: Where do I find these guys?

George: [on the phone] Steinbrenner had me committed! I'm in the nuthouse!
Deena: [to her father] I'll be back same time next week, Pop.
George: They took my belt, Jerry. I got nothing to hold my pants up. Well, you gotta come over here now! Just tell 'em what we talked about, how I, how I, I didn't do the project.
Deena: George? I see you're finally getting some help.
George: Aw, oh, oh Deena, thank God. [hugs her] Thank God you're here. Listen, you gotta help me. You gotta tell these people that I'm okay. You know that I don't belong in here.
Deena: George, this is the best thing for you.
George: Yea.. What? No, no!
George: Deena! Deena, wait a... Deena, help!
Pop: Is that little Georgie C.? How's the folks? You still got that nice little car?

J. Peterman: Elaine! You found the clubs. That's wonderful news. Where are they?
Elaine: Yep. Let me get them for you, Mr. Peterman.
J. Peterman: Oh, I'll be inaugurating them this weekend, with none other than Ethel Kennedy. A woman whose triumph in the face of tragedy is exceeded only by her proclivity to procreate.
[Elaine places the bag of wrecked golf clubs down in front of Mr. Peterman]
Elaine: The, uh... The letter of authenticity's in the side pocket there.
J. Peterman: Elaine. I never knew Kennedy had such a temper.
Elaine: Oh. Oh yeah. The only thing worse was his slice. [nervous laugh]
J. Peterman: See you on Monday.
Elaine: Have a good game.

Kramer: [on the phone] Jerry, we got him. I'm riding his tail. There's no escape. He's running scared, buddy.
Jerry: How's the gas situation?
Kramer: I got enough to get to Memphis. He's reaching in back. He's grabbing at something. He's pulling out a gun! He's got a gun, Jerry!
Jerry: Duck, Kramer! Duck!
Kramer: It's a golf club! It's no gun. He threw a golf club at me!
Elaine: Those are JFK's golf clubs!
Kramer: Hey, I'm under fire here. [another club hits] I'm under heavy fire here, boy. [another hit] Jeez! That was a five-iron!
Elaine: Stop the truck, Kramer. Pick up the clubs!
Jerry: No, don't stop, Kramer. Keep going, don't let him get away.
Kramer: Wait a minute, I think he's done. Oh no, he's taking out the woods! You'll have to do a lot better than that! [Tony throws the bag]

Wilhelm: And you can tell the players that I reimbursed the trainer for the cigarettes and the dive checks.
George: Sorry, the players will be reimbursed?
Wilhelm: The trainer, George. Tell the players I'll reimburse the trainer. What's the matter with you? This is the third time I've had to repeat myself.
George: Sorry, Mr Wilhelm.
Wilhelm: Look, sorry doesn't cut it. We're running a ball club here, George. You've got to pay attention.
George: I know, sir. It won't happen again.
Wilhelm: Let me see, I uh, I had an assignment for you... uh. [wanders off to the men's room]