George: Remember my friend Adam from Detroit?
Jerry: Yeah, the guy with the flat head?
George: He's a cube. Anyway, he got married six months ago. He told me ever since he's been wearing a wedding band, women have been coming on to him everywhere he goes.
Jerry: Yeah, I've heard that about wedding bands.
George: I wonder if that's really true.
Jerry: That would be an interesting sociological experiment. You know, Kramer has his father's band. He'd loan it to you.

George: Thanks a lot. I"ll give it back to you in a week.
Kramer: You know, I don't even know why you're fooling around with this ring. I've been telling you, get yourself some plugs, or a piece.
George: I'm not doing that.
Kramer: Oh, man. You know, you're crazy. You're a good looking guy. What do you want to walk around like that for?
George: No, I'll put half a can of mousse in my head like you.

Jerry: You know, I used to think that the universe is a random, chaotic, sequence of meaningless events, but I see now that there is reason and purpose to all things.
George: What happened to you?
Jerry: Religion, my friend, that's what happened to me. Because, I have just been informed that it's going to cost Elaine the sum of five thousand dollars to get the apartment upstairs.
George: Five thousand dollars? She doesn't have five thousand dollars!
Jerry: Of course she doesn't have five thousand dollars!
George: So, she can't get the apartment.
Jerry: Can't get it.
George: So, she doesn't move in.
Jerry: No move. So, you see, it's all part of a divine plan.
George: And how does the baldness fit into that plan?

Jerry: Well.. there's a little bit of a problem.
Elaine: Oh, I know. There's a weak shower spray, I know. And I've already thought about it, and I'm switching to baths. As Winston Churchill said, "Why stand when you can sit?" Maybe I'll get some rubber duckies.

Jerry: Well, better load up on some carbos before the race.
Roxanne: Oh, the marathon is great, isn't it?
Jerry: Oh, yes. Particularly if your not in it.
Roxanne: I wish we had a view of the finish line.
Jerry: What's to see? A woman from Norway, a guy from Kenya, and twenty thousand losers.

Janice: I've never been able to be with just one person. I can, however, carry on strictly physical relationships which can last for years and years. It's a shame you're married.
George: [frantically tries to remove the ring off] I'm not. It's just a sociological experiment!
Janice: Please. [walks away]

[stand-up:]
Jerry: I don't know. What do you do when a neighbor is making, like, a lot of noise at three o' clock in the morning? I mean, can you knock on someone's door and tell them to keep it down? You're really altering your whole self-image, I mean, what am I? Fred Mertz now? What's happening to me? Can I do this? Am I a shusher? I used to be a shushee. There's a lot of shushing going on in movie theaters. People are always shushing. Shh. Shh. Shh. Shh. Doesn't work, 'cause nobody knows where a shush is coming from. They just hear a Shh. "Was that a shush? I think somebody just shushed me." Some people you can't shush in a movie theater. There's always that certain group of people, isn't it. They're talking and talking, and everyone around them is shushing them, and shushing them. They won't shush. They're the unshushables.

Elaine: [sings] "Good morning, good morning.." Have you ever gotten up in the morning and felt it's great to be alive? That every breath is a gift of sweet life from above? [George leaves]

Jerry: What did you do?
Kramer: Mousse. I moussed up.
Elaine: I guess it was just a matter of time.
Kramer: You know, I should've done this years ago. I mean, I feel like I had two lives. My pre-mousse and now, I begin my post-mousse. Hey, tell me the truth, have you ever seen a better looking guy?
Jerry: Oh, look, its so subjective.

Harold: We have to go up there now and clean the apartment. It's a good thing her rent was overdue. She'd be rotting up there for a month.
Jerry: She died? Mrs. Hudwalker died?
Harold: Ninety-four years old. I found her yesterday. She didn't have a wig on. It was horrifying.