Woman: I can't believe somebody pulled the top off of this muffin.
Elaine: That was me. I'm sorry. I don't like the stumps.
Mr. Lippman: So you just eat the tops?
Elaine: Oh, yeah. It's the best part. It's crunchy. It's explosive. It's where the muffin breaks free of the pan and sort of does its own thing. I'll tell you. That's a million dollar idea right there. Just sell the tops.

Jerry: So we're going to make the post office pay for my new stereo?
Kramer: It's a write-off for them.
Jerry: How is it a write-off?
Kramer: They just write it off.
Jerry: Write it off what?
Kramer: Jerry, all these big companies, they write off everything.
Jerry: You don't even know what a write-off is.
Kramer: Do you?
Jerry: No. I don't.
Kramer: But they do. And they're the ones writing it off.

George: I still don't see why I can't ask her about my arm.
Elaine: She's a physical therapist. She doesn't want to have to deal with that outside of the office.
George: Why not?
Elaine: Because it is what she does.
George: I love these people! You can't ask them questions. They're so mentally gifted that we mustn't disturb the delicate genius unless it's in the confines of an office! When huge sums of money are involved, then the delicate genius can be disturbed!
Elaine: George, you got a little something, right here.
George: [wiping face] These people think they're so important!

Ron: Well, what do you got here? You know, you got "Don Ho: Live At Honolulu", you got "Jerry Vale Sings Italian Love Songs" you got Sergio Mendes, now come on...
Kramer: Wait, wait, wait. Sergio Mendes has a cult following.
Newman: They follow him like a cult.
Kramer: He can't even walk down the street in South America.
Ron: Look, that's his problem, all right? Now you don't like it, too bad.
Kramer: [in Newman's ear] I don't like it.
Newman: I don't like it.
Ron: Well, then get the hell out of my store, all right? You bring me something decent, I'll give you some money.
Kramer: [in Newman's ear] All right, we'll be back, jack.
Newman: All right, we'll be back, jack!

Raquel Welch: "You are a fraud Dr Tarnover. You haven't even been to Scarsdale."
Kramer: [knocks and enters] Ms. Welch.
Raquel Welch: Who are you?
Kramer: Well, I'm Cosmo Kramer. I'm one of the producers.
Raquel Welch: [answers phone] Hello, Sidney! No. No, I told you I don't want to do that! If you bring it up again I will feed your genitals to a wolf! [hangs up] Kids! You're still here.
Kramer: Well, I- Uh, Ms. Welch I do need to talk to you about a little problem regarding your performance.
[Raquel kicks a chair out of her way and walks up to Kramer]
Raquel Welch: What kind of problem?
Kramer: Well, it seems that due to the vagaries of the production parameters, vis-a-vis the fragmenting of the audience due to cable television, carnivals, water parks...
Raquel Welch: Out with it!
Kramer: Well, you're fired because you don't move your arms when you tap dance. You're like a gorilla out there. I've gotta go...
[As Kramer attempts to run out of the dressing room, Raquel Welch drags him back in]

Kramer: I just kissed Gail Cunningham.
Jerry: You what?
Kramer: Yeah, I kissed her.
Jerry: You kissed her?
Kramer: Right on the mouth.
Jerry: What kinda great friend are you? How do you go from snubbing to kissing?
Kramer: Well, you know, I saw her outside the Y. You know, she came up to me, she started yelling because I snubbed her. And then we started talking a little bit, and I walked her to her building. And just before I left, I put my arm around her waist, I pulled her to me, and I... I planted one!
Jerry: And what did she do?
Kramer: She kissed me back.
Jerry: I don't get this. I go out with this girl three times, she doesn't want to shake my hand. Why's she kissing you?
Kramer: Because I snubbed her. You see? Women, they like that! Yes! I understand women. The snub is good, they love the snub!
George: No, they don't. I tried that once. I snubbed for a year. Nothing. Every woman I saw, I snubbed. You never saw people so pleased.