Jocelyn: Anyways, I asked this kid to come to the front of the class and solve this math equation and he was "pitching a tent." He had a boner!
Johnny: Oh.
Jocelyn: And then I was thinking, these are young boys, these poor kids, and it can't be easy having a teacher like myself, so... What was your question again?
Johnny: You know, it's been so long I can't remember.

Alexis: Hey, Twy. Um, Twy, what is in the "Meadow Harvest" smoothie?
Twyla: Uh you know, it changes every day. Just depends on my mood. But it's all organic, earthy ingredients.
Alexis: Okay, so it's like fruity or..?
Twyla: Yes, it is. Yup. At times. And then other times, not.
Alexis: Okay! Well, today, is it more fruity or more vegetably?
Twyla: No, I don't know. I've gotta check in the back and see what we have.
Alexis: So Meadow Harvest doesn't refer to anything in particular.
Twyla: No, Meadow Harvest is exactly how it sounds. It just changes everyday.

Johnny: You know, honey, a little pampering might not be a bad idea. Could alleviate some of that weight your carrying around.
Moira: So now I'm fat and stressed?
Johnny: Emotional weight. Emotional.
Moira: John, go find a towel now, please, or I will strip out of this robe and I will air dry in the street!

Moira: I don't hate this town, Jocelyn. It's just not mine. And this is not my hair.
Jocelyn: I know. It's a wig.
Moira: It's not my style. You? On you, it's adorable. You have a look that says, "Hi, I'm Jocelyn, and I know who I am!" For that, you're very fortunate. You are. I don't who I am from one moment to the next. So honestly, dear, I envy you, all right? But if you ever, ever catch me shopping at the Blouse Barn, you must shoot me in the temple. Promise?
Jocelyn: Promise.
Moira: My son is hunting right now with your husband, so I I know you people have guns.

Stevie: Uh, it looks like a bug. Trapped under a glass.
David: I Googled that bug. It's some sort of demonic cricket that "takes chunks out of your skin when provoked." Chunks is the word that Google used.
Stevie: You Googled a bug?
David: Yeah. I have a thing about bugs with milky exoskeletons. I have this irrational fear they are gonna crawl into my mouth and nest at night, so...

Jocelyn: I just wanted to say how fun it was to spend the day with you.
Moira: Oh, Jocelyn, 'tis I who owes you a big thank you.
Jocelyn: I also wanted to apologize for Janine ruining your wig.
Moira: No, don't be silly. I was I was about to find a shower cap.
Jocelyn: I know you hate your hair, Moira. Almost as much as you hate this town. But there's a possibility you could be here a really long time. May I offer you something? The people here are just trying to help you, and there'll be days when your wigs need conditioning. Or one of your fashion-y blouses shrinks in the dryer, and you'll have to go to Janine's. Or get a shirt at the Blouse Barn, just like the rest of us. And I would hate for that day to catch you by surprise.

Ted: Um, I just feel like I have to warn you, what you just ordered is gonna run through you like Niagara Falls.
Alexis: Excuse me?
Ted: Uh, she's a sweet girl but her smoothies are deadly. Um, I usually prescribe them to my patients when they're feeling a little backed up.
Alexis: That's a lot of information.
Ted: I'm- I'm- I'm kidding. I'm actually not. I've absolutely done that with her smoothies.

David: Did you know Richard Gere's middle name is Tiffany?

Moira: There you are, John! Where did my towel go?
Jocelyn: Moira! Nanaimo bars. Accidentally doubled the batch and Roland's on diabetes watch, so I thought why not share the wealth?

David: So about the bug thing.
Stevie: No explanation necessary. You've got a thing about bugs.
David: No, I don't have a thing about bugs. It was one bug, and that bug was milky.
Stevie: So you're a man at one with nature.
David: Yeah. I could not be more at one with nature. I do Coachella every year, so...