Ronnie: You ever killed before?
David: Have I ever killed before? No. Elton John used to have an annual hunt at his place in Windsor, but that was more about the lunch.
Ronnie: Turkey virgin!

Roland: So how are your bowels? Good and tight?
David: Yes. Thank you for the concern.
Roland: Well, I just wanna make sure you got the stomach for this 'cause you, you kinda seem like an indoors-y sort of guy to me. You know, delicate. Fragile. Scrimpy.
David: Thank you.

Ronnie: All right, you gotta treat it like it's a newborn baby. Have to admit, not into babies so it's kind of a guessing game for me. Oh, you got soft hands.
David: Okay, thank you. Thanks.

David: Oh, my God! It's fleeing!
Stevie: Whoa, it's fast!
David: It's fleeing into the bathroom. That's why you use the cup method, because you'd keep it contained! Now it's just all out!
Stevie: Well I guess I don't even need to be here.
David: Well, it's h- Now it's hiding somewhere in the darkness waiting for nightfall. I- I can't- I can't sleep here. I can't sleep here.
Stevie: Not with your mouth open anyway.
David: That's not a nice thing to say to me.
Stevie: You know, sometimes I forget what life was like before I knew you.

Jocelyn: You know, Moira, you ever need to just go somewhere to unwind and have some pampering, I know a great place in Elmdale.
Moira: Let's not and say we did.

Alexis: So Ted's taking me to Antonio's.
David: What's Antonio's?
Alexis: It's this little buffet restaurant in Elmdale, but he said that we could order off the menu.
David: Are you sure you wanna be travelling so far out of town with a person you just met?
Alexis: I went on a blind date to Bali with Leo, so I'm pretty sure I'm gonna be fine.

Johnny: Tell me, Ted, are your parents still together?
Ted: Uh, no. They divorced when I was in high school.
Moira: Oh alcoholism.
Ted: No, I think they just realized that they were better off as friends.
Moira: Tsk, tsk. Affair. Poor thing.

Moira: Excuse me, cowboy, have you seen my husband?
Johnny: Oh, my God. Oh, oh, oh. Look at you. Boy, you look like...
Moira: Who? Who do I look like?
Johnny: I wanna say Tanya Harding.
Moira: Do you? How about ?
Johnny: Jocelyn! Oh, my God, that's right! Why Jocelyn?
Moira: Because everyone who comes out of that salon looks just like Jocelyn.
Johnny: Wow! And is that you? Is that your wig?
Moira: No, it's a dead possum. Yes, it's a wig, John.

Mutt: Yeah, we went to high school together. I think you'd be good for each other.
Alexis: Do you?
Mutt: I think he has everything you're looking for in a husband.
Alexis: A husband? What am I looking for in a husband?
Mutt: Money.
Alexis: Hmm.

Stevie: I was joking. I have a strong feeling that would not be your thing.
David: And what do think "my thing" is exactly?
Stevie: High thread count sheets? Colognes that smell like fireplace-
David: Okay. Well, it might surprise you to know that I have more than one thing, so I will happily go with you on the hunt!