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The Premiere

‘The Premiere’

Season 6, Episode 5 - Aired February 4, 2020

Buoyed by a positive review of The Crows movie, Moira has Alexis arrange an impromptu premiere in Schitt's Creek. Meanwhile, Stevie reconsiders her decision to leave the motel, and David cares for Patrick after he has his wisdom teeth removed.

Quote from Moira

Moira: Please, everyone stay calm! Whatever you do, do not look them in the eye!
Alexis: Okay, you're making them angrier!
Moira: I'm not, Alexis! I know a bit of their language. CAW! CAW-CAW!
David: This is fucked.

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Quote from Moira

David: Okay, have you seen this yet? Some random news station just posted video of the premiere. It's been shared 32,000 times.
Moira: Well, all press is good press, right?
David: You might wanna watch it first.
Reporter: [on video] Tonight, a murder of wild crows attacked would-be audience members who had come to see a movie about a crow attack. We must warn you, the following content is pretty graphic.
Alexis: Okay, they weren't "wild" crows. They were supposed to be trained.
Moira: Trained! Some of them were painted seagulls. This is not good, Alexis!

Quote from Moira

Alexis: No, I have like big plans for an immersive experience. Ronnie said that she can find a red carpet, and Roland has a guy who rents out live crows.
Moira: I think we should take the lead from Interflix. I cannot stop the masses from gathering to view the film, but best... best to avoid any fulsome in-decorum until we're assured a positive reaction.
David: Remember that "Waterworld II" premiere?
Moira: Exactly, David. Oh, the last place anyone wanted to be when those reviews came in was a glass-bottomed pirate ship in the middle of the ocean.

Quote from David

Patrick: Can you make me a lasagna, David?
David: [laughs] Imagine? No. I think we rest this little voice, 'cause you have been chatting ever since the dentist's office.
Patrick: Why are you so handsome?
David: I mean, unless you wanna keep talking. In which case, that works as well.
Patrick: How come your skin is like... perfect.
David: It's a nine-step regimen I do twice a day. It's not a big deal.

Quote from Patrick

Patrick: Shh! Listen, okay? Come here, come here. I got a secret.
David: I don't...
Patrick: Come on.
David: Mm...
Patrick: [whispering] David? I'm very hungry.
David: Okay, there's nothing I can do about that.
Patrick: Wait. Just lie down with me.
David: Okay.
Patrick: I wanna, I wanna hold you.
David: Mm-hmm.
Patrick: [sighs] Imagine us right now, but just with a little baby.

Quote from Johnny

Stevie: Oh! What's this? Thank you. You didn't have to bring anything.
Johnny: Oh, just a little housewarming platter, since it's my first time here. Twyla whipped up some sandwiches. Hope you like mayo.
Stevie: Thank you.
Johnny: Wow, so this is, this is your place. I'm glad you didn't feel you needed to clean up on my account, you know? It shows just how comfortable a friendship we actually have.
Stevie: I did clean up.
Johnny: Right. That's... what I meant. You didn't feel the need to clean up, but I appreciate the fact that, uh, that you did.

Quote from Johnny

Stevie: I thought you were gonna try to talk me into coming back.
Johnny: Oh, no, no. That wouldn't be fair. Wouldn't be fair to you. I'm not gonna stand in the way of you finding what makes you happy. And, and speaking of, I wanted to give you this.
Stevie: Oh, wow... I don't know what to say.
Johnny: Well, once you get past the haircut and the dated references, I'm sure you might find something useful in there to help you get your footing. You don't have to downplay your excitement on my account, Stevie. I'll be just fine.

Quote from Moira

Alexis: Um, is that your gown? What is that for?
Moira: Oh, I thought I might throw it on for tonight.
Alexis: So you're going to the screening?
Moira: Yes. A simple "Thank you, Mother" might be a nice place to start.
Alexis: Also, I thought you returned that?
Moira: I did! Oh, I know I returned a dress. A glittering, backless thing. Stella McCartney, I think.
Alexis: That was mine. I've been looking for that.
Moira: Blame UPS.
Alexis: Ugh!

Quote from Roland

Ronnie: I assume this has something to do with all the calls we're getting from TV stations, asking where they can park their vans?
Alexis: Um, yeah. So the premiere may be getting like a little bit bigger than I had planned.
Ronnie: Oh, snap! It's a premiere now? 'Cause first you said it was, and then you said it was just a viewing party.
Roland: Yeah, and, and if it's a premiere, we're all in trouble, because my skinny jeans are in the wash.

Quote from Ronnie

Alexis: No, it is a premiere. Unfortunately, that decision was made like half an hour ago, so it would be really helpful if I could just tell you what I need.
Ronnie: Oh no, the red carpet that you told me not to order?
Alexis: Yes, but at this point, I will settle for any shade of red, and it doesn't have to be sixty feet.
Ronnie: Okay, good, 'cause all I've got is a 20-foot Merlot in my garage I ripped out after the church basement flooded.
Alexis: That sounds amazing.

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