Patrick: David, there is absolutely nothing to be ashamed of, okay? And look, I found this blanket that I thought I had lost in the laundry room, so you've actually done me a favour.
David: Mm.
Patrick: So maybe we can um... maybe we can take divorce off the table?
David: Maybe, but if the tables were turned, I can't say I'd be as generous.
Patrick: Understood.

Moira: What exactly is required of me?
Alexis: Um, just like, a couple of cute pics, and funny one-liners.
Moira: I see, and you would be the architect behind those funny one-liners?
Alexis: Mm-hmm.
Moira: Colour me curious, what might one of my humorous quips sound like to you?
Alexis: Oh my God, I don't know yet.
Moira: Well, it's just that you and I have very different comedic stylings, dear. I take a slightly more cerebral approach.
Alexis: Okay, you were the one that described social media as an amusement park for clinical narcissists so, I'm doing you a favour.

Woman: Good morning, are you here for Benny Terkstra?
Roland: Uh, I spoke with somebody named Betty, but I was mowing the lawn at the time, so your guess is as good as mine.
Woman: Betty is Benny's wife. Please, follow me.
Roland: Huh, Betty and Benny? [chuckles] What are they, puppets? [cartoonish voice] It's the Benny and Betty Show!
Johnny: Okay, Roland...
Roland: Tu! Tu! I'm Betty. I'm Benny. I'm Betty!

Stevie: Why do I get the feeling this isn't an open house?
Roland: Maybe it's because of the coffin.
Johnny: This is a funeral, Roland! What exactly did the woman say to you?!
Roland: She said the showing was at nine o'clock. She may have said viewing.
Johnny: What the hell, Roland?!
Roland: Johnny, language, please! A man is dead.

Moira: Hm, it's noticeably cheerless in here today. If I didn't know better, I would suspect a little trouble in paradise.
Patrick: David's just having a bit of a day. Didn't get a lot of sleep last night.
David: Okay, I'm doing fine, thanks!
Moira: David, what's wrong? [gasps] Your sleep apnea hasn't returned, has it? I thought that was remedied when you got your new nose.
David: It was.
Moira: Is it night sweats? You're not eating pepperettes in bed again!
David: No.
Moira: Night terrors?
David: I don't wanna talk about it!

Moira: David, don't tell me you've had a nighttime oopsie-daisy.
Patrick: I'm sorry, a what?
David: I'm leaving. Okay? And if I don't come back it's because of you. [exits]
Patrick: Me?
Moira: Ooh dear. David's nocturnal enuresis used to only happen when he went to bed all juiced up with excited anticipation about something. Christmas, birthdays, the Ides of March. And now it seems your impending nuptials has opened the floodgates.
Patrick: Oh! Why am I oddly flattered?
Moira: I can't imagine.

Stevie: Well, I hate to point this out, Mr. Rose, but if you weren't in such a rush to see this place, we wouldn't be at a funeral.
Johnny: No, it's what happens when you leave anything up to Roland. We just have to find a window where we can leave without anybody seeing us. Because the last thing we want to do is offend the woman that's selling us this place.
Stevie: Well, assuming we're actually buying it.
Roland: You know what they say, you can tell the quality of a motel by the food they serve at the owner's funeral.
Johnny: We're not even supposed to be here, Roland, can you put the plate... Is that egg salad?

Moira: Say Havarti, girls! [camera click] Oh no! [laughs] Well, you can't win them all.

Alexis: Okay, who taught you how to live-stream?!
Moira: A wonderful teen named CherryBus, she lives in Singapore. Why? Who wants to know?
Alexis: Okay, well, did she teach you how to turn it off? Because you just posted your entire conversation with David and Patrick!
Moira: No, I distinctly remember putting down the phone.
Alexis: But you didn't stop recording. So people basically got like, a whole podcast about how David's wetting the bed again. If I wasn't your publicist, I would be enjoying the situation a lot more than I am. Which is still like, quite a lot.

Betty: I can't say I wasn't expecting you, I just didn't think you'd show up at the funeral! I'm aware that my husband was not perfect. I told him that poker ring was risky, and I know there were some shady business dealings that went on behind closed doors, but I had nothing to do with it!
Johnny: I'm sorry?
Betty: Well, you're the federal agents I was warned about. No need to keep up the act. Her face has "fed" written all over it.
Stevie: Thanks?