David: Um, Jake, this is my mother.
Jake: Listen, I'm really sorry, I didn't think anybody would be home.
David: Okay, nobody was supposed to be home. Nobody was supposed to be home, so... You were supposed to be at lunch, why- Why are- Why were you not at lunch?!
Moira: David, stop acting like a disgruntled pelican!

Moira: After a glut of unasinous ideas put forth today, the room is suddenly bombilating with anticipation. Can we feel that? It's almost as though we're building towards some sort of inevitable climax.

Moira: Very well. Let me see what you're typing! "Big news coming soon, caw caw!" And a little yellow cartoon... winking. You know what would be fun, Alexis, let's put a beak on that winking cartoon.
Alexis: No, you can't do that.
Moira: Let me handle this, please. Okay, is it on? Can they see us?
Alexis: No, you just press "send."
Moira: Alexis, this is exciting! We have our very own digital soapbox here! It reminds me of the Nickelodeon pilot I did in which Ashley Tisdale and I played suffragettes. You remember, "You Go, Girl."

David: What is that noise?
Patrick: I don't know. Maybe the sheets are a bit stiff.
David: No, it's like a, a crinkling sound.
Patrick: Oh, you're probably just sitting on the mattress tag.
David: [gasps] Is this a mattress protector?
Patrick: No. No, no, that's a... a second sheet that you put on the mattress, um, that my mom gave me when I moved in, so I just...
David: You put down a plastic sheet?
Patrick: Well, I don't think it's a pla... I mean, it might have like a rubberized coating, but I don't know.
David: Oh my God!
Patrick: Purely coincidental.

Patrick: Hey, let's talk about something else.
David: Sure, um... what's the thread count on this plastic?
Patrick: Okay, would it help if I were to share something private and embarrassing with you?
David: I might be too tired for that tonight.
Patrick: Ha ha! If we're gonna be married, I just think it's important that we be as open and honest with each other as we possibly can.
David: What is this sexy thing?
Patrick: Okay, I only put this in when you're not around. It's my mouth-guard.
David: Oh... well, there's nothing really embarrassing about that. Also, you look very beautiful.
Patrick: Aw, thank you. Um, hmm. How about... now?
David: My God!
Patrick: This is my nose thing, and it just helps me breathe better.
David: I have never been more attracted to you.
Patrick: Mm, same.
[They kiss and laugh]
David: Ooh! Ronnie's texting me a link to something?
Patrick: Okay, put it away, David. It's bedtime.