Roland: Well, I've come up with the perfect excuse for you to buy yourself a brand new hot water heater!
Johnny: Still waiting for the good news.
Roland: Well, the good news is that my friend Terry can replace the whole thing for you.
Johnny: Replace it? Well, how much is that gonna cost?
Roland: I did a little negotiating with Terry, and he says you can have it for $4,200.
Johnny: $4200?!
Roland: Right. Unless you want it installed.
Johnny: Well, of course I want it installed, Roland!
Roland: Okay, well, that's gonna be $5,500.

Johnny: Okay, you know what? I can't afford to throw away money like that.
Roland: Oh, come on, this coming from the guy who was just bragging about taking out a mortgage to pay for his wife's dress!
Johnny: I wasn't bragging!

David: What about the person...?
Stevie: David, I would tell you if I saw him! Also, that's rude!
David: Okay, it's just that your type is very inconsistent.

Alexis: Oh, my God, Shan! You still here? Have you not taken lunch?
Shan: I've just been pretty busy.
Alexis: Ugh, same. Can I get a "hell yeah" for two hard-working women in the 21st Century? [high fives Shan and then pulls her in close] Anyway, I think that we both know that things are a bit off between us, and I understand why. Ted told me all about your little... [kissing sound] And it's like not a big deal.
Shan: Okay. Alexis, that's- That's such a relief. And oh! Honestly, between us, it was just a drunken one-time thing, and I told him we'd be better off as friends.
Alexis: Oh. Did you tell him that after he told you that?

Ted: Alexis. Right on time.
Alexis: You're telling me, I was just having a chat with Shan. Clearing the air about that little trip you two took to pound town.

Ted: Well, just, um, one minute. Again, not that it matters, you know, but uh, the day after we, um, we were supposed to meet up at the 5k for Feral Cats, and I never followed up so...
Shan: Oh, yeah, it totally doesn't matter.
Ted: No.
Shan: But I also never followed up. So when we saw each other the next weekend at the opening of Bronwyn's Exotic Animal Clinic, I assumed you'd gotten the hint.
Ted: Okay, well, that's what I assumed, so...
Alexis: Okay, not to interject, but I assumed that this would play out in a much more interesting way. So for the sake of time, um, I'm just gonna go with Shannon's version of things. Shannon, can we get you anything while we're out?
Ted: Uh, I'm not sure that we actually quite finished the conversation.
Alexis: Oh, it's okay, Ted. Because the important thing is, that Shannon and I had a breakthrough.
Ted: Yeah, but I'm just not really sure where we landed on the whole...

Roland: Johnny, let me tell you something. That is not the place to cut corners. Okay? What you need to do is re-examine your extravagant lifestyle.
Johnny: What are you talking about?
Roland: Well, not all of us can drive around in an 8 cylinder car.
Johnny: It's a '78 Lincoln, and it's all we could afford!
Roland: Right, '78. Vintage.
Johnny: Okay! Roland, do you mind if I get back to work?!
Roland: Yeah, no problem, I've got to go on my smoke break.

David: Wow, for someone who can barely stand, she sounds good. How are we feeling?
Stevie: All things considered, I'm feeling better.
David: Good. I'm gonna see if they have more Mariah, the first three songs were just a warm-up.

Emir: I'm so sorry. A student driver rear-ended me on the way over here, it was a whole thing. He started crying. We had to exchange insurance information. His mom was there.
Stevie: You couldn'tve called? I thought I was stood up.
Emir: The student driver has my phone, and I have his. We didn't give them back to each other after we exchanged info. So if you wanna know what's on a 16 year old's smartphone, I could offer you that.
Stevie: No, thank you.
Emir: Yeah, that's probably for the best.

David: Okay, good news, they have "Fantasy," which means that you get to play Ol' Dirty Bastard.