Roland: Uh, it's kind of a Schitt family tradition there, Ronnie. Okay, I guess I just gotta crack this myself. It's either my birthday, or Gloria Estefan's.

Bob: Anyway, moral of the story, I got a new key chain, and I keep a sleeping bag in the car.

Patrick: I think that we need to be a little more proactive about this. We can't just wait for people to come in. We have to find better ways to engage with the community. Or, hey, just like a way. Just one way to engage with the community.

David: Well, there's someone that is going to the cafe.
Patrick: You know why people are always in the cafe? Because they feel at home there, it feels like comfortable.
David: Okay, are you saying that I don't make people feel at home?
Patrick: Erm...
David: Okay.

Patrick: You remember our opening day here?
David: Yes! It was opening day, and there was booze. And people are drunks.
Patrick: Yes but they still showed up.
We need to do something to make this store feel a little bit more accessible, a little bit more inclusive.
David: [sighs] Okay. Well, I am open to suggestions.
Patrick: What if we hosted an open mic night?
David: I am open to suggestions.

Patrick: I actually used to host one in high school. There was a little cafe around the corner from my house, it had a little stage in the back. Drew a pretty big crowd.
David: Okay. So there was a point at which you, and some of your fellow amateur singer songwriters would gather and perform poetry and songs?
Patrick: Yeah.
David: For one another?
Patrick: Mmm-hmm. That's right.
David: Oh god.
Patrick: The occasional improve troupe would stop by.
David: I'm, um, I'm feeling kind of ill.
Patrick: David, you can laugh now, but an open mic night can be a surprising amount of fun. Worst case scenario, we get some people in the store.
David: Okay, no, worst case scenario, I watch improv.

Alexis: Okay, so first of all, I would like to thank you both for meeting with me today.
Stevie: Was this really necessary?
Alexis: That's a good question, and the answer is, yes. Um, I'm just gonna say it. This place needs a tonne of work, like top to tail. We're talking serious, but manageable, fixes.
Johnny: I think what you mean to say is proposed improvements?
Alexis: No, I mean like full-blown things that need fixing.

David: Someone took a long coffee break.
Patrick: Oh, I'm sorry, did I miss the evening rush?
David: Uh, yes, one customer came in, who was asking for directions.

Patrick: Well, I have good news. I got us a permit for tomorrow night, and Ronnie says that we can get around the liquor license if we just charge people cover at the door, so.
David: What's the permit for?
Patrick: The open mic night.
David: Oh! So we're moving forward with the open mic night, then.
Patrick: Yeah! We're moving forward with it. People are pretty excited about it, too. Did you know Bob does beat poetry in his spare time?
David: No.

Johnny: "Um, welcome to the Schitt's Creek Motel. I'm Johnny Rose."
Ray: Um, yes, but no, don't use your mouth. Uh, um, talk to the guests with your face. Smile with your eyes.
Stevie: What the fuck does that mean?
Alexis: Okay, Johnny, what are we doing with our hands?
Johnny: Alexis, I don't love you calling me Johnny.