David: I mean, listen, just because I didn't have the Town Hall... on my mood board doesn't mean we still can't have fun. And as long as my husband doesn't stand me up at the altar, I don't care where we get married.
Patrick: Wow. That massage really did a number, huh?
David: Uh, yeah. That was the first time I've ever received a happy ending.
Patrick: I'm sorry, what did you just say?
David: The happy ending that the masseur gave me. I've always heard of things like that, but I've never actually gotten one. Did you have to pay extra for that?
Stevie: [shocked gasp]
Patrick: I didn't pay for a happy ending! I paid for a massage! He gave you a happy ending?! On our wedding day?!
David: I thought you wanted that?!
Stevie: See, this is what Ray should be filming.

Patrick: This is unbelievable. At no point was that ever discussed. All I did, was leave an envelope full of cash and a note that said to take very good care of you. And now that I've said those words out loud, I can see how a certain kind of person would interpret that the wrong way.
Stevie: Okay, but was it good at least?
Patrick: Do not answer that. Was it? Don't.

Alexis: [loud cough]
David: [wakes up, gasps] What happened? Who died?
Johnny: Who died?
David: Did Patrick die?
Alexis: No, Patrick didn't die, David.
David: Then why did you startle me awake like this? My mind went straight to some kind of unthinkable tragedy. Like something really, really bad happened.
Johnny: Oh. Imagine.
Moira: Well, the day did have a slight singultus.

Johnny: Well, David... I-I-I could easily step in here. I have a lot to say about... [getting emotional] my son getting married...
David: Okay. You can barely get through this without crying, so that's a no.
Moira: A note, I did bring the house down at Pat Sajak's first wedding.
David: Oh my God.
Johnny: Oh, I remember that. "Can I buy a vow." [all laugh]
Moira: I had the studio audience wrapped around my finger.

David: Okay. We should've gotten a tent. I didn't need pizza that badly.
Patrick: Wow, let's not get crazy.
David: No, we should have gotten married indoors.
Patrick: You said indoor weddings are tacky.
David: No. I said most weddings are tacky. And they often take place indoors.

Patrick: David, we all know how much the success of this wedding means to you. So we are going to make the absolute best of today, okay? And regardless of how that happens or where that happens, at the end of the day, I am going to kiss that worried-looking face of yours and call you my husband. And that's the only thing that matters.
David: Okay, I just refuse to get married in Roland's living room. I have to draw the line somewhere.
Patrick: Okay. Okay.
David: Besides those carpets do not photograph well.

Patrick: All right, I am heading to the motel to sort all this out with your Dad. In the meantime, I have arranged for a massage to chill you out a little bit. So you can just lie down, relax and not talk until we have a plan, all right?
David: How did you book a massage so last-minute?
Patrick: Oh no, all this was planned weeks ago. Just had a hunch you wouldn't handle stress well today.
David: Okay, I've been handling the stress just fine.
Patrick: You had like three bagels in half an hour.
David: They were a mistake.

Moira: "Hello, you. Are-are we all ready to spin the wheel of life today?" Even Vanna White didn't laugh at that one.

Moira: Alexis, have I ever told you how bewitching you are. It's a compliment.
Alexis: No. I know. I'm sorry. I'm just feeling like, a little emotional today.
Moira: Is it David? Did he say something to upset you? He can be very cruel, but it's all fear-based, Dear. So please don't take it personally.

Johnny: Ray, you don't need to be documenting this.
Ray: I was told to capture the day.
Patrick: Ray, I don't think this is a part of the day that anybody is gonna wanna remember.
Ray: Can you say that again for the camera?