Johnny: No, Don, here's the joke. The joke is I'm sitting here in a half decent restaurant with my wife and our friends. And all you two have done is complain about the food, and pretend that you didn't leave us high and dry after we lost everything.
Moira: Oh, we're past all that now.
Johnny: I'm not quite past it, Moira. You wrote us off, Don. Not a phone call, not an email, not a nickel. Roland and Jocelyn here, could not have been more generous with what little they have. They found us a place to live, they've offered us their truck whenever we've needed it. They've invited us to their parties, they even offered to take us out to dinner tonight.
Roland: Well, just to be clear, Johnny, we were always gonna split the bill, it's just with the coupon...
Jocelyn: Rollie, Rollie.
Johnny: And that town you passed through, it's not called Schittsville. It's called Schitt's Creek. And it's where we live.

David: Um, speaking of sexual popularity, I'm pretty sure that, um, that guy at the bar, is into me.
Stevie: Who, Jake?
David: Yeah. Jake. Why, was he one of your high school conquests?
Stevie: Actually, no. But I have a pretty stellar radar for being able to tell when guys are into me.
David: Mmm-hmm. Um, and having swam in both ponds, I can say that I might be able to navigate those waters a little bit better than you.
Stevie: Uh huh? Well, we'll see.

Stevie: Wow, well, according to the Internet, you were "Mister Popular."
David: I will have you know that that head-shot got me a two-episode arc on a TV series.
Stevie: What series?
David: "Dateline." I played a boy who got abducted from a grocery store.
Stevie: Wow.
David: Yeah. And the performance was so riveting, people thought I actually was the "Valu-Mart victim."
Stevie: Hmm, bet that got you laid.
David: It did. It really did.

Johnny: Kids, it happens to be our anniversary today, so it might be a nice idea if you wished your mother a happy anniversary.
David: Okay, um, what would you like us to say?
Johnny: Well, you could start by saying, "Happy anniversary."
Alexis: Erm, okay, but why are we wishing her a happy anniversary? Isn't that something that you two are supposed to say to each other?
Johnny: Yeah, it's called being courteous, honey. You know, the Bloomfield kids used to throw their parents an anniversary party every year.
David: Mmm-hmm. Um, if we're truth telling, the Bloomfields were always a little too friendly with one another. I just don't understand what kind of family skinny dips together.

David: Okay. Um, so Jake is into me.
Stevie: Is he?
David: Yeah!
Stevie: What makes you think that?
David: Because we just necked out behind the barn.
Stevie: Seriously, what makes you think that?
David: Because we put our mouths together, out behind the barn.
Stevie: Just so you know, I kissed him too.
David: Well, that didn't happen.
Stevie: Who's to say?
David: Well, when would you have had time to do that? Did he invite you to his wood shop? Sorry, that came out wrong.

Ted: You know, I am surprised that you haven't asked me to leave early today.
Alexis: Are you telepathic or something, because I have been thinking about asking you that question every day this week.
Ted: I was just kidding.
Alexis: Oh. No, yeah, me too.

Johnny: Hi, Rose, party of two.
Waitress: Yeah, we spoke on the phone this afternoon. You're lucky we had that cancellation.
Johnny: Yes, well, lucky for someone. We had a reservation which I of course made, uh, weeks ago.
Moira: You always could swing a good table at the last minute, John.

Jake: Oh, I wouldn't do that if I were you.
David: Oh, I wouldn't either, but I couldn't find a cocktail shaker, and someone brought room temperature vodka.
Jake: No, I mean Mutt made those ice cubes from well water, so they smell a little fishy.
David: Oh. Yeah, wouldn't want that melting in my drink, thank you very much.
Jake: I'm Jake.
David: David.
Jake: It's nice to meet you, handsome.

David: Wow! Look at you.
Stevie: What's that supposed to mean?
David: No, I've just never seen you this dressed up before.
Stevie: I do what I want. And tonight, I'm wanting to meet someone.
David: Hmm.
Stevie: So, I have a certain high school reputation I need to live up to.
David: Uh huh. Yeah, and good luck with that.

Tennessee: Alexis, hi. It's so nice to finally meet you. Mutt's told me so much about you. The way he describes you, it's like you're this beautiful little poem.
Alexis: Well, love "little!" Look at you! You're like a poem too. Like, a really pretty poem, or like, a mermaid, or something. Mutt, you're growing back your beard.
Mutt: Yeah, she likes it.
Alexis: Okay. Um, okay, uh, I'm gonna go grab a drink. But um, it was so nice to finally meet you, Tallahassee, so...
Tennessee: It's ah, Tennessee.
Alexis: Yes, Tennessee. I love that name, it's so unique. Um, thank God you look the way you do, because that name on the wrong girl would just... Ooh! So, you should feel really good about yourself.