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‘Opening Night’ Quotes Page 1 of 4    

Schitt's Creek: Opening Night

301. Opening Night

Aired January 10, 2017

Moira prepares for "opening night" on the town council. Meanwhile, Johnny tries to get back into business, and David and Stevie realize they're both seeing Jake.

Quote from Moira

David: Um, Jake, this is my mother.
Jake: Listen, I'm really sorry, I didn't think anybody would be home.
David: Okay, nobody was supposed to be home. Nobody was supposed to be home, so... You were supposed to be at lunch, why- Why are- Why were you not at lunch?!
Moira: David, stop acting like a disgruntled pelican!


Quote from Moira

Daycare Worker: Parents are complaining that they're struggling to get off work early enough to pick up their kids, and so that's why we would like to extend the after school daycare program by half an hour. [applause]
Roland: That's an idea we'll give some real thought to.
Moira: Spoken like a true politician. [audience laughs] Ah! Vivacity aside, our children's safety is no laughing matter. As a mother who once invested a great deal of time and money into her children, I, for one, stand by the request to extend the hours of the daycare. [applause] One might think that an additional 30 minutes will have no impact, but you tell that to the mother whose manicurist just applied the wrong colour, and must start all over again, or the father who got stuck in a mine! That extra half hour could be the difference between a child who gets picked up safely, and one who wanders the street, waiting for a dust-covered man to emerge from the darkness!
Daycare Worker: We do wait with the kids.
Moira: Is that really what we want for our town? Homeless toddlers?! Tugging at your pant legs?!

Quote from Moira

Roland: Moira, what are you doing? You undermined my authority.
Moira: We were losing our audience. You saw the walkouts. And on opening night!
Ronnie: This isn't a theatre.
Moira: Isn't it?
Roland: Look, you can't go making blind promises to these people! This isn't Sunrise Bay, where everybody lives in a perfect dream world!
Moira: I'll have you know, Sunrise Bay was a coastal community plagued by a centuries-old curse!

Quote from Moira

Moira: David, this isn't funny. I have my first Town Hall meeting in an hour, where is my portfolio?!
David: Uh, why, why would I know where your portfolio is?
Moira: You were bedazzling it last night.
David: Excuse me? I haven't bedazzled anything since I was 22.
Moira: David, you were dressed like a harlequin, and you were gluing shiny jewels... Perhaps that was just a night terror.

Quote from Moira

Moira: Well, hello again, you beautiful people. I would love to circle back to this matter of the extended daycare hours. Although I made some excellent points, in the interest of a fair and balanced discussion, I will now argue the other side of the issue. One of my fondest memories from childhood were weekdays, between 5:30 and 6 P.M. That was our time! And we would've fought anyone who dared try to take it away from us.
Daycare Worker: So you're not extending the hours?
Moira: Do we really want Big Brother programming every waking minute of our children's lives?!

Quote from Ted

Tennessee: Hmm, we should probably get going. We were going to hit the hot springs before the sun sets!
Ted: Oh yeah, definitely want to get a soak in, before you tackle the cones. Which you must really be "pining" for by now!

Quote from Moira

Moira: Oh, John, I think you could use a nice, cold shower.
Johnny: Well, I need something. [sighs] You and the kids are doing it all, Moira. Alexis has a job, David's puttin' money in the coffers, you're on Council, making a difference every day.
Moira: Not every day.
Johnny: You know what, I don't know if I'm looking after this family as well as I should be. [sighs]
Moira: John, you're the only one holding this family together. And that's the most important job of all. You're a good man, John Rose, and good men always win! Not at this exact moment, perhaps. You have an olive stain on your tie.
Johnny: What's that?
Moira: But just because no one is currently seeing all the wonders of which you are capable, does not mean that you are not one of the most talented people in this family.
Johnny: Well, thank you, Moira.

Quote from Roland

Moira: Ronnie, you have whispers of a maternal instinct. Isn't this issue important to you?
Ronnie: It's not a matter of importance, it's a matter of money!
Moira: Then find the money!
Roland: Ohhh, okay, why don't I just tiptoe into my orchard of money trees, and fill my basket with money for you! And while we're at it, why don't I gather up some diamond carrots, and some golden potatoes! And I don't mean the kind of potatoes you eat, I mean, the potatoes that are made out of actual gold.

Quote from Johnny

Johnny: We're looking for your mother's portfol- Oh. Oh! Okay. Hello, uh, Johnny Rose. You are?
Jake: Jake.
Johnny: Yes, welcome, welcome, Jake. I see, uh, David's made you feel right at home.
David: Okay, Dad!
Moira: John-
Johnny: No, no, no, I'm just saying, carry on doing whatever you're doing, or not doing.
David: Okay.
Johnny: I mean, I see things-
David: No. Got it, got it
Johnny: -are wrapping up here, so...

Quote from Johnny

Alexis: Oh, my God.
David: Oh, my God.
Moira: Alexis, this is Jake. We seem to have caught the boys in a...
Johnny: In an "afternoon delight." Is that term still a going thing?
David: No, that's no.
Alexis: No, never say that again.

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