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37Quotes from ‘Opening Night’

Schitt's Creek: Opening Night

301. Opening Night

Aired January 10, 2017

Moira prepares for "opening night" on the town council. Meanwhile, Johnny tries to get back into business, and David and Stevie realize they're both seeing Jake.

Quote from Moira

David: Um, Jake, this is my mother.
Jake: Listen, I'm really sorry, I didn't think anybody would be home.
David: Okay, nobody was supposed to be home. Nobody was supposed to be home, so... You were supposed to be at lunch, why- Why are- Why were you not at lunch?!
Moira: David, stop acting like a disgruntled pelican!

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Quote from Moira

Daycare Worker: Parents are complaining that they're struggling to get off work early enough to pick up their kids, and so that's why we would like to extend the after school daycare program by half an hour. [applause]
Roland: That's an idea we'll give some real thought to.
Moira: Spoken like a true politician. [audience laughs] Ah! Vivacity aside, our children's safety is no laughing matter. As a mother who once invested a great deal of time and money into her children, I, for one, stand by the request to extend the hours of the daycare. [applause] One might think that an additional 30 minutes will have no impact, but you tell that to the mother whose manicurist just applied the wrong colour, and must start all over again, or the father who got stuck in a mine! That extra half hour could be the difference between a child who gets picked up safely, and one who wanders the street, waiting for a dust-covered man to emerge from the darkness!
Daycare Worker: We do wait with the kids.
Moira: Is that really what we want for our town? Homeless toddlers?! Tugging at your pant legs?!

Quote from Moira

Roland: Moira, what are you doing? You undermined my authority.
Moira: We were losing our audience. You saw the walkouts. And on opening night!
Ronnie: This isn't a theatre.
Moira: Isn't it?
Roland: Look, you can't go making blind promises to these people! This isn't Sunrise Bay, where everybody lives in a perfect dream world!
Moira: I'll have you know, Sunrise Bay was a coastal community plagued by a centuries-old curse!

Quote from Moira

Moira: David, this isn't funny. I have my first Town Hall meeting in an hour, where is my portfolio?!
David: Uh, why, why would I know where your portfolio is?
Moira: You were bedazzling it last night.
David: Excuse me? I haven't bedazzled anything since I was 22.
Moira: David, you were dressed like a harlequin, and you were gluing shiny jewels... Perhaps that was just a night terror.

Quote from Moira

Moira: Well, hello again, you beautiful people. I would love to circle back to this matter of the extended daycare hours. Although I made some excellent points, in the interest of a fair and balanced discussion, I will now argue the other side of the issue. One of my fondest memories from childhood were weekdays, between 5:30 and 6 P.M. That was our time! And we would've fought anyone who dared try to take it away from us.
Daycare Worker: So you're not extending the hours?
Moira: Do we really want Big Brother programming every waking minute of our children's lives?!

Quote from Ted

Tennessee: Hmm, we should probably get going. We were going to hit the hot springs before the sun sets!
Ted: Oh yeah, definitely want to get a soak in, before you tackle the cones. Which you must really be "pining" for by now!

Quote from Moira

Moira: Oh, John, I think you could use a nice, cold shower.
Johnny: Well, I need something. [sighs] You and the kids are doing it all, Moira. Alexis has a job, David's puttin' money in the coffers, you're on Council, making a difference every day.
Moira: Not every day.
Johnny: You know what, I don't know if I'm looking after this family as well as I should be. [sighs]
Moira: John, you're the only one holding this family together. And that's the most important job of all. You're a good man, John Rose, and good men always win! Not at this exact moment, perhaps. You have an olive stain on your tie.
Johnny: What's that?
Moira: But just because no one is currently seeing all the wonders of which you are capable, does not mean that you are not one of the most talented people in this family.
Johnny: Well, thank you, Moira.

Quote from Roland

Moira: Ronnie, you have whispers of a maternal instinct. Isn't this issue important to you?
Ronnie: It's not a matter of importance, it's a matter of money!
Moira: Then find the money!
Roland: Ohhh, okay, why don't I just tiptoe into my orchard of money trees, and fill my basket with money for you! And while we're at it, why don't I gather up some diamond carrots, and some golden potatoes! And I don't mean the kind of potatoes you eat, I mean, the potatoes that are made out of actual gold.

Quote from Johnny

Johnny: We're looking for your mother's portfol- Oh. Oh! Okay. Hello, uh, Johnny Rose. You are?
Jake: Jake.
Johnny: Yes, welcome, welcome, Jake. I see, uh, David's made you feel right at home.
David: Okay, Dad!
Moira: John-
Johnny: No, no, no, I'm just saying, carry on doing whatever you're doing, or not doing.
David: Okay.
Johnny: I mean, I see things-
David: No. Got it, got it
Johnny: -are wrapping up here, so...

Quote from Johnny

Alexis: Oh, my God.
David: Oh, my God.
Moira: Alexis, this is Jake. We seem to have caught the boys in a...
Johnny: In an "afternoon delight." Is that term still a going thing?
David: No, that's no.
Alexis: No, never say that again.

Quote from Johnny

Moira: Nice to meet you, Jacob. If you take half as much care of our son as you do your physique,
David: Okay!
Moira: David should be in very good hands.
Johnny: Yes, well, not-not your hands...
David: Mmm-hmm, yep. Bye!
Johnny: But, uhm generally speaking...

Quote from Bob

Bob: Well, Cal's doing big business, and since you two are sharing an office, uh, I thought you might wanna get in on some of it.
Johnny: Sharing an office? You've rented out my office space?!
Bob: Well, Johnny, you weren't exactly paying rent, and Cal's business is booming.
Cal: I should add that registration is totally free, there's no charge whatsoever for registration, there's just a small monetary-
Johnny: And what business is this?
Bob: Antivirus. The guy's amazing.
Cal: Okay, you'll be receiving your CD-ROM in the mail within the next two weeks, and you'll know the software is working if you don't see any changes.
Johnny: Bob, this sounds like a scam.
Bob: Far from it. No, my-my computer was riddled with viruses. I mean, Cal, uh, he fixed it, over the phone! [laughs] He didn't even look at my computer! That's how good he is.

Quote from Bob

Johnny: Bob, I've got a meeting with a client in an hour, and I cannot be conducting business with somebody yammering into the phone beside me!
Bob: Johnny, you're putting me in a bit of a pickle here. You know, obviously I'd like to keep you both. But there's, uh, a cardboard box over there, you know, if you do feel like you wanna you know, pack up your things.

Quote from David

Stevie: What the flying fuck is going on here?!
David: I was gonna ask you the same thing!
Stevie: What was that?!
David: Uh, what was that?!
Stevie: We're seeing each other!
David: Okay, we're seeing each other. He literally came here from my room.
Stevie: Well, he dropped me off at work this morning.
David: He what?!
Stevie: He dropped me off at work this morning!
David: Okay, I get it! Um, he did not mention that to me. And frankly, I don't know whether I want your sloppy seconds!
Stevie: Uh, first of all, who says they're sloppy, and second, who's to say we're not getting his sloppy thirds?! Who knows how many people he's got on the go at this point?
David: Okay, well all I know is that someone is sloppy and it's not me!

Quote from Moira

Moira: Well, hello, everyone! What time is curtain?
Ronnie: We'll probably start in a few minutes. Well, it looks like a full house out there.
Moira: Huh! So uh is this what everyone's wearing?
Roland: Well, I might lose the jacket.
Moira: If we look to have given up on ourselves, how can we assure our constituents that we haven't given up on them as well?
Ronnie: So we look like we've given up on ourselves?
Moira: Could we remember please that these are real people, with real problems, people! And while I can't pretend to fully understand them, I can at least attempt to care! Places, please!

Quote from Johnny

Johnny: Well, first, I wanna say thank you, Amy, for taking the time to see me today.
Amy Grace: It's actually Amy Grace.
Johnny: Amy Grace, well, apologies. It's funny, 'cause I remember when our families used to vacation together, you were just "Little Amy."
Amy Grace: I've always been Amy Grace.
Johnny: Ah well then, just call me Johnny Michael.

Quote from Roland

Daycare Worker: So is that a yes or a no, I...
Moira: It's an absolutely.
Daycare Worker: Absolutely what?
Moira: Absolutely crucial. Absolutely crucial! Crucial that we approach- That that we entertain every- Approach. I don't-
Roland: Ahem! We'll think about it.

Quote from Alexis

Alexis: Yeah, Mutt asked me to just pop by, and keep an eye on the place while you are gone.
Tennessee: Okay. This is just the first I'm hearing about it, which is fine. If I had known you were staying at our place, I would've cleaned the sheets for you guys.
Ted: Oh, no, we're not together.
Alexis: You literally could not have said that any faster.

Quote from Moira

Twyla: All right, ready to order?
Johnny: Yeah, toast dry toast, and more coffee, please.
Alexis: And I know it's early, but I'm kind of feeling like, a big piece of fish.
David: Mm! Um and I'll have a bowl of room temperature hollandaise sauce, please.
Johnny: Oh, that's funny, very funny.
Moira: Don't listen to them, John. Don't listen and pick a point on the wall if you need to.


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