Johnny: You want the smooth under eyes of a 16-year-old, get a job.

Moira: I would like two apple fritters, sliver of pecan pie, large fries with gravy and bacon!
Alexis: Okay, so, she will have scrambled egg whites and some steamed spinach, please, thank you.
Moira: And some pecan pie! Onion rings, and ice cream!
Alexis: Actually, none of that, and I will have a tea, thank you.

Alexis: So, that guy from the other night. He's not for me, right?
David: What guy?
Alexis: That beardy guy that I kissed at the party. He's gross, right? Like, that's not a thing for me. There wasn't, like, a spark or anything.
David: You mean the hitchhiker that was burning meat over a garbage can?
Alexis: Yeah, that one.

Johnny: Well, except I've got a few things I have to take care of, so I need you two to go in, and take-
Alexis: No, I did Saint-Tropez, so...
David: And I did her birthday, and Aspen twice.
Johnny: And I'm trying to sell this town. So, if you kids want any chance of getting out of here, you'll help me out, and go in and look after your mother.
Alexis: Well, my horoscope said that I shouldn't assume responsibility for anybody but myself today.
Johnny: Yeah, and my horoscope says, why don't you go in and help your mother. And don't let her out of your sight, okay? We don't want her detonating in public!
Alexis: I know! Though it is kind of fun to watch, though.
Johnny: Not when you're the one she's trying to back over with a car.

Alexis: Okay, I just remembered that being a mother is not your strong suit.
Moira: Oh darling, I'm only telling you because it's true.
Alexis: And because you gobbled down a hundred thousand anti-depressants this morning.
Moira: I was hungry. But I could still eat.

Roland: That is my great grandfather up there, Horace Schitt. He was a visionary, Johnny! He discovered this land, he developed it, and he turned it into the little slice of heaven that it is. And I'm proud of him! You understand that?
Johnny: Roland, you've got this all wrong.
Roland: Why do you hate me?

Alexis: You just need to relax, because it's not like your boyfriend left you for a Scandinavian flight attendant. What kind of name is Kika anyway? I'm the one that should be in the closet right now, not you.

Alexis: You know what I think we should do? I think we should go get something to eat, because when you're eating you can't be talking to me, okay?
Moira: You know what I think?
Alexis: What?
Moira: [snorts like a pig] You date pigs.

Alexis: Um, hey! Stay here, okay? Don't move. [exits]
Moira: Oh, wow, I'm really bored.

Johnny: So, how'd it go?
David: I met with a woman at a very sad grocery store, and I have a quote unquote interview to be a bag boy.