‘Don't Worry, It's His Sister’
Season 1, Episode 3 - Aired January 20, 2015
As Johnny tries to sell the town, he's concerned the welcome sign is putting off potential buyers. Meanwhile, Moira is tormented by an anonymous Internet comment, David tries to get a job, and Alexis wonders if there's anything between her and Mutt.
Quote from Alexis
Alexis: Um, hey! So, why do they give you table scraps? Are you, like, a poor person, or?
Mutt: Uh, no, but thanks for asking. No, I use it to compost. You know, that way nothing gets thrown out. Composting?
Alexis: Yeah, no, I I know composting. Um, Gwyneth Paltrow does a compost gift exchange.
Quote from Moira
Moira: Start wherever.
Boy: Um... Do you wanna smoke a joint?
Moira: Oh, Mark, you are better than this. You can't let others define you. Look at me! Never let the bastards get you down!
Jocelyn: [whispering] Can't say bastard!
Quote from Johnny
Johnny: Come in! Ah, David Rose. You're applying for the bag boy position.
David: Yeah.
Johnny: Tell me David, why do you want this job?
David: I don't want this job.
Johnny: Well, thank you very much, and don't expect a phone call! All right, do it right! Or let's not do it. Now, we're gonna start again.
David: Okay.
Johnny: Tell me, David, why do you want this job?
David: I ran out of eye cream.
Johnny: Okay, you're not gonna get this job. You're not gonna get this job! You know why? Your attitude sucks! And look at how you're dressed! What is this?! Colostomy bag pants! I'm the manager of a family run grocery store. I'm not gonna hire you! You're not gonna get the job, you're the last person...
Quote from Moira
Moira: Okay, how many of you beautiful young things have a background in the theater? Raise your swords! [nobody raises their hand] I see, a class grounded in realism, nice work. Because that is where we find our deepest well.
Moira: May I be up front?
Jocelyn: Yes.
Moira: We're not here to play, or to have fun. You will work until it hurts!
Quote from Ronnie
Johnny: Well, I can see you've got a million things on your plate, so I'll get to the point, it's about the town sign.
Ray: I told you he wouldn't let this go! [Ray and Bob chuckle]
Bob: The sign tells people what to expect when they're in town. Do you have a problem with that message?
Johnny: A major problem, Bob. Yeah, you see, it's the first thing you see when you drive in, and as the owner of the town, I'd like to convey a better, cleaner image.
Bob: There's a lot of history in that sign, Johnny. Schitt history.
Ronnie: That's all we need, some outsider coming in here and changing everything. If it ain't broke, don't fix it!
Quote from Ray
Johnny: What the hell is this?!
Ray: The town sign.
Johnny: Is this the real sign, or the joke sign?
Ray: What do you mean?
Johnny: You don't see anything wrong with this? The man! Standing awfully close to that woman, wouldn't you say?
Ray: Well, he's holding on to her so she doesn't fall into the creek.
Johnny: Look a little closer, Ray.
Ray: Well, it need a little sprucing up.
Johnny: Sprucing up?!
Ray: It's very popular, people come from all over to take a picture with it.
Johnny: I'll bet they do! You know what? This is coming down!
Ray: That's the mayor's family up there! That sign's been here over forty years.
Johnny: And you wonder why this place won't sell?
Ray: Oh, I think I see it now. His shoulders are too big.
Johnny: Get in the car, Ray.
Quote from Alexis
Johnny: Have you seen your mother today?
Alexis: Um, yeah, she was face down on the carpet before dragging herself into the closet.
Johnny: And you didn't say anything?!
Alexis: I thought she was maybe looking for a contact or something.
Quote from Stevie
Stevie: Um, do you have any other skills or areas of expertise?
David: I've been told I have really good taste.
Stevie: Oh, well, that's good. Um, let's see... Oh! Bag boy at the grocery store.
David: I don't know what that is.
Stevie: You put groceries in bags, so that people can carry their groceries out of the grocery store.
David: Okay, and how much do you think that would pay?
Stevie: Mmm, I'm gonna say minimum wage.
David: Which is what? Forty, forty-five something an hour?
Stevie: Mmm-hmm, exactly.
Quote from Moira
Jocelyn: Anyways, I have a giant favour. My class is putting on a play for the younger grades, and I just thought that you'd be perfect, you know, to help coach the kids. ... Because they'd be thrilled to have someone like you, an actual star... Teach them?
Moira: That must have taken such courage to ask me that. But in show business boldness is rewarded, so my answer is yes. Yes, yes!
Jocelyn: That is such good news.
Moira: Fuck, I know!
Quote from Moira
Moira: What is it that you want?
Boy: To go home.
Moira: Is that where you keep the stash? You want the marijuana?
Girl: Yes?
Moira: No, you want to be seen, and heard, and loved! Now, what is it you need? It's different, be careful, what is it you need? [shouting] What is it you need?