Roland: Hello, Johnny. Stevie. I come bearing good news.
Stevie: Okay, Roland, as you can see, Mr. Rose is checking out a guest right now, so maybe you can hold off on that good news?
Roland: Oh sure, I got it. Uh, well let me just say this, re the toilet that died in Room 4, the plumber will be here in a few hours. He said he'd be here sooner, but he has another autopsy.
Johnny: Toilet on the fritz.

Alexis: I also had a question.
Ted: Uh yeah, Alexis, I'd love to answer that question, it's just I'm kind of right in the middle of interviewing these people, so.
Alexis: Okay, yeah, totally. I will just um... Um... I actually used to work here. This used to be my desk, so.
Ted: You know, now that you're here, I guess you could sit in on the interviews with me.
Alexis: Oh. Okay, sure. Now, everybody, just so you know, I got a job here, and I have literally zero interest in animals, so you guys are already like, way ahead.

Patrick: One tea for you. One caramel macchiato skim, two sweeteners, and a sprinkle of cocoa powder for you.
David: Thank you.
Moira: You're very speedy.
Patrick: Thanks. I wasn't sure about the scone, so I got one just to be safe.
Moira: There's nothing wrong with treating yourself, dear.

David: Okay, well are you even sure that the pill would have saved his life?
Moira: We'll have to let the courts decide.
David: The courts? Well, know that you've unloaded this on me, what am I, an accomplice?
Moira: David, I came here to be talked off a ledge, not pushed!
David: Can you imagine this in prison?

Patrick: Can I interject? I know I wasn't supposed to be listening to this conversation, but it's a small space, and your voice carries so beautifully.
Moira: Mmm-hmm.
Patrick: Mrs. Rose, I can say with 100% certainty, you have nothing to worry about.
Moira: Well that's very kind of you, dear, but now's not the time for well-intended placation.
Patrick: You're legally prohibited from supplying medication to your guests, so by not giving him anything you've actually avoided any potential liability in his death.
Moira: Well, there we have it then. Thank God you're here Pa...
David: trick.
Moira: Trick. You know how David can get carried away, I'm sure.
Patrick: Oh, I do.
Moira: Well, I suppose I'll head back to the scene of the crime, with which I had nothing to do.

Patrick: Can I ring that up for you?
Moira: I paid way too much for a wedge of brie last week, so let's call it even.
David: I don't think it works like that.
Moira: Alexis was right, he's a button.

Stevie: But there is someone staying with us right now who works in a quarry. So, I bet he has a lot of stories.
Johnny: And what kind of kid doesn't like rocks?
Stevie: Yeah.
Johnny: Maybe he'll even get to take one home.
Female guest: Ooh. I'm gonna think about it.
Stevie: Yeah, it's mandatory.
Female guest: It's mandatory?
Johnny: Well again, wrong choice of words, it's not mandatory, but there is a fee for not attending, so you'll be paying for it either way.
Female guest: What?
Stevie: Yeah, so we'll just be by a little later to escort you to the lobby.
Johnny: In the meantime, you can put your son to bed and just make sure he's up and ready to go at 3:55. Okay? Bye for now.

Ted: I have to admit, Alexis, some of your questions were shockingly effective. I found it very telling how many people would just accept a cocktail from a total stranger.
Alexis: Hmm, thank you.
Ted: Who would've known that Paul was allergic to cats? What was he doing here?

Ted: Alexis, wait. Who would you hire from today?
Alexis: Um, I liked the guy with the glasses.
Ted: Me too.
Alexis: Um, or the guy with cystic acne. Either or.
Ted: Okay.
Alexis: Or the girl with the oily braid. Also very good.
Ted: Okay, lots to think about there. Thank you, Alexis.

Johnny: Well, hello everyone, welcome. Welcome. Hope you're enjoying the cinnamon buns and vodka. We thought it was festive in a Scandinavian sort of way. Uh, well what a wonderful opportunity for all the guests to uh, get to know each other. Anyone from out of town? [all hands go up] Well, that makes sense. [laughs] You're all staying at the motel. Um, oh Frank, Frank Frank is here. Frank who works at a quarry. Did you bring some rocks in for the kids, Frank?
Frank: No, I didn't bring any rocks.
Johnny: No rocks? Well.