Teen #2: I thought she was too cool to work here.
Alexis: I don't work here, and I am really cool, so. Don't do it again, and I won't call the Po Po.
Teen: Did she say Po Po?
Alexis: Okay! Okay! I think we're done here.

Stevie: Okay, uh, why don't you just start by changing the sheets?
Roland: Honey, that kinda sounds like a Johnny job to me. Why don't we just put a "J" next to that.
Johnny: No, no, no. We're putting an "R" next to that, Roland, I thought you said you had no problem doing grunt work.
Roland: Well, Johnny, how's it going to look to have the mayor of the town changing sheets?
Johnny: Uh, we change sheets.
Roland: Well great, so then, you've got it covered, let's put a big, fat "J" next to that one.

Johnny: All right. Here's what we're gonna do.
Roland: Hmm?
Johnny: We're putting an "R" beside every single thing on this list.
Roland: Got it. Okay. Now when you say "R," does that stand for Rose, as in Johnny Rose-
Johnny: Roland! It stands for Roland!

David: Ew! What are you doing in my bed?
Moira: Oh, David please, I couldn't possibly make it all the way to my own bed. I'm- I'm just, uh- I'm exhausted!
David: Was it the footwork?
Moira: Oh, it was the footwork. It was the score, it was the book, it was all of that, David. But most severely lacking was me. You were right, my dear. I've had my time, and it's over now.
David: Um, I don't think I said that.
Moira: There is an elephant in the room, David, and he's whispering, "retire!" Run, David, go to Jocelyn, and tell her to cancel the evening.

Jocelyn: Okay, let's have another round of applause for the children's choir, and their Kylie Minogue medley! [audience applause] Those were some racy lyrics! Okay. Ladies and gentlemen, I know that your headliner tonight is gonna surprise you, because she certainly surprised me when she told me just moments ago that she'd switched up her entire act, even though somebody put down a really hefty deposit on a wall of mirrors! [chuckle turns into a sob] Okay anyways, without further ado, the main event!

["Jingle Bells" plays on the piano]
David: Ding!
Moira: Dong!
David: Ding!
Moira: Dong!
David: Ding!
Moira: Dong!
David: Ding!
Moira: Dong!
Both: On the first day of Christmas, My true love gave to me, The keys to a Lamborghini - On the... Oh come all ye faithful Deck the halls with boughs of holly Yes, I said faithful, which rules out all of you! [forced laugh] God rest ye, merry gentlemen Let nothing you dismay may-may-may [both join hands and dance]

Moira: Stick 'em up. This is a hold up. Nobody move but me-me-me-me! But me!

Moira: Okay, Patty, come on, Patty! atty, the eyes of the lonely world are on you! So, five, six, seven, eight, Patty! [taps] Five, six, seven, eight! Nine, ten- Nine. Nine, ten, eleven, twelve.

Stevie: Did you ask him why he's been wandering around with a notepad, it's really starting to creep out the guests.
Johnny: Yeah, he's pitching a guy he knows to help out around the motel, but don't worry, I told him that we're a well oiled machine at this point.
Stevie: Yeah, that I've been greasing. Your new policy about helping the guests with the bags.
Johnny: Yeah, and you know, we're getting very good feedback about that on the comment cards.
Stevie: But I've been the one carrying them, because "somebody" has a bad back.
Johnny: Well, Stevie, if I lift a roll of toilet paper, you know, it flares up.
Stevie: Okay well, I'm starting to look like a Slovakian shot putter, so I'm with Roland. We're gonna be hiring someone else.

Jocelyn: Moira, I'm sorry I couldn't be more available for you today, it's just that my sister was supposed to organize this with me, and her husband has come down with gout for the third time. But I still think this is gonna be the best Asbestos Fest yet!