‘Asbestos Fest’
Season 4, Episode 3 - Aired January 23, 2018
Moira drives Jocelyn crazy when she won't make up her mind about her performance at a local charity event. Meanwhile, Johnny and Stevie wonder why Roland is lurking around the motel, and Alexis helps David and Patrick deal with some teens loitering outside the store.
Quote from Roland
Johnny: All right, But only because we could actually use some help.
Roland: That's a smart move, Johnny.
Johnny: But consider this a trial.
Roland: Yeah, that's probably a good idea, I don't wanna commit until I know I like it.
Quote from Jocelyn
Jocelyn: Good news, Moira, don't ask me why, but Gwen had a hunting rifle in her basement, and I'm hoping this is good for your act!
Moira: Um, it was a machine gun. So I need a machine gun for the machine gun ballet!
Jocelyn: Okay, Moira, you've got to meet me halfway here. This is a real gun!
Quote from David
David: Okay, I just have one more question. All those compliments, and fist pumps-
Teen: Bumps.
David: Shut up. Was that just part of the big scheme?
Teen: No, you have cool style.
Teen #2: I like your shoes.
Alexis: They're lying to you, David, they're lying, they're lying.
David: Okay, get out.
Quote from David
David: What if we did the number?
Moira: The number?
David: Yeah, I know, it was stupid, it was dumb. It was a dumb idea.
Moira: David, you would do that for me? I thought you used to hate it when I'd trot you out in front of my friends?
David: I still do, it's just that I'm finding this situation to be incredibly disturbing, and I will eventually need my bed back.
Moira: Do you think people would find it strange, or even inappropriate?
David: Probably.
Moira: And do you think we still have it?
David: I'll go plug in my hair straightener. [pointing to his bed] I hope you're not wearing your shoes.
Quote from Alexis
Alexis: [to Johnny] Um, is this the number? It's the middle of summer.
David: Brr! It's awfully cold out there.
Alexis: [to Patrick] Um, they used to do this act every year at our Christmas party, and you can't unsee something like this.
Quote from David
David: [knocking] Oh, I wonder who that could be! It's television's Moira Rose! [audience applauds]
Moira: That's television's mom, to you. [fake laugh] You know, nothing is colder than the chill I get when I think of the dangers of asbestos poisoning.
David: Mmm-hmm.
Moira: Luckily, a little birdie told me that with enough funds raised, this town could be asbestos free by-
David: Christmas!