Tom: [aside to camera] This VIP card gives you exclusive access to the investment opportunity of a lifetime. Where? Multipurpose Room F. When? 3:00 p.m. Dress code? Black tie optional. Just like life. [flings card]

Leslie Knope: Oh, my God. It's an envelope from the IOW Awards Office! Nobody freak out! [silence] Do you know what this means? I am Pawnee's Woman of the Year!
[aside to camera:]
Leslie Knope: The IOW is the Indiana Organization of Women. I have been a dues-paying member since I was nine. And every year, they choose one woman to win the Dorothy Everton Smythe Female Empowerment Award. Winning is every girl's dream. But it's my destiny. And my dream.

Leslie Knope: [aside to camera] The IOW is a bunch of sexist jerks who need to get back in the kitchen where they belong, and leave the real feminist work to actual feminists like Ron Swanson! Oh, my God! What is happening?

April: You gave Tom all your money?
Andy: Yeah, well, I'm investing. I'm like Warren "Buffay".

Leslie Knope: [aside to camera] Apparently, the girls' team does not have a field assigned to them for practice, but the boys' team does. No. Not on my watch. Every child has the right to play, no matter how boring the sport.

Ron Swanson: [aside to camera] Awards are stupid, which is why I fully intend to decline this nonsense, and recommend it go to Leslie because she works really hard, and I don't. However, she cares way too much about crap like this, which is why I can't pass up this opportunity to tease her about it.

April: So, what kind of place are you looking for?
Andy: I can afford, like, 300 bucks a month. I've always wanted a doorman named Ernie. That would be awesome. Or Kipp. I'm pretty flexible on that.
April: Here's a great one. It's a Tudor mansion. It's got seven rooms, four bathrooms. It's got a tennis court, a pool and a three-car garage.
Andy: What?
April: And it's only $20,000 a month. And it's in Chicago.
Andy: Ah, that close! It was almost perfect.

Leslie Knope: Twenty-six certificates, plaques, ribbons, trophies, medals and miscellany certifying that I am the kind of person who deserves recognition for her achievements. What do you have, Ron?
Ron Swanson: I have the Dorothy Every Time Smurf Girl Trophy for excellence in female stuff.
Leslie Knope: Dorothy Everton Smythe. I swear to God, I would...

Ron Swanson: Leslie. Before you continue, please read this.
Leslie Knope: Another organization giving you credit for something you didn't do? "I, Ron Swanson, recognize that Leslie Knope should have received the IOW Award for all the hard work she has done, especially for the Camp Athena project. However, in my opinion, she is far too concerned with institutional gratification." No, I'm not. "So, I am going to let her dangle in order to show her that awards are bull... crap."
Ron Swanson: Come on, Leslie, you know I'm not sexist. I love powerful women.
Leslie Knope: You do attend a shocking number of WNBA games.

Tom: [aside to camera] I want to open up my own club one day. Maybe call it something like Club-a-Dub-Dub or The Clubmarine, sort of a submarine-themed club. Or Tom's Bistro. The word "bistro" is classy as [beep].