Randall: Sweetums has been Pawnee's leading sweet-treat manufacturer for over 80 years. And we are so excited about our new partnership with the Parks Department.
[aside to camera:]
Leslie Knope: [sucking lollipop] Starting next month, Sweetums is gonna take over the concession stands in our parks. I mean, I don't love the idea of corporate sponsorship, but Sweetums is an institution. When you think of Pawnee, you think of Sweetums.

Tom: Brendanawicz! Quick question, do you personally know Xzibit? Because I was checking out that pickup truck of yours, and that ride is pimped!
Mark: It's really nice of you to compliment my pickup truck with no ulterior motives.
Tom: Yeah, so, listen, I need to move some stuff this weekend into my new bachelor pad, since my divorce is finally going down. Just some odds and ends. You can bring up the Mark-mobile, help me move, right?
Mark: I'm totally blanking on a valid excuse right now, so, yes. I'll help you.
Tom: My boy!
[aside to camera:]
Mark: I [bleep] hate having a pickup truck.

Ron Swanson: Ready to go?
Leslie Knope: Yes. Your keys, please.
Ron Swanson: You gotta be kidding me. I'm fine.
Leslie Knope: Well, we'll let the chart be the judge of that. What are you, 5'11", 210 pounds, three whiskeys? Looks like you are just over the line into impaired.
Ron Swanson: You carry that with you all the time?
Leslie Knope: It comes in handy. And on the back, it teaches you how to play blackjack.

Ron Swanson: Swansons have a preternaturally high tolerance for alcohol. My old man used to put Wild Turkey on his Corn Flakes.
Leslie Knope: I'm not gonna argue with you, Ron. We're just gonna sit and wait until, you know, you're safe to drive, which would be in about one hour.
[cut to Ron in the driver's seat of his car as Leslie sits on the hood:]
Leslie Knope: "Insurance is a side bet when you wager half of your original bet because you believe the dealer has a 10 in the hole."
Ron Swanson: [horn honks] Get off my car, woman!
Leslie Knope: Twenty minutes. The dealer really has an advantage. That's what I get the most from this.

Leslie Knope: Hey, Marci.
Marci: Leslie. Are they finally teaching you Parks people how to read? Oh, I guess not. It's a movie.
Leslie Knope: You're pretty cocky for someone whose job is obsolete because of the Internet. [laughs]

Marci: Hmm. You seem to have a $40 late fee on a book called [loudly] Mysteries of the Female Orgasm.
Leslie Knope: No, I don't.
Marci: Yeah, you do.
Leslie Knope: Ann, grab the movie! Go, go, go, go! Punk-ass book jockeys!

Leslie Knope: Sidebar, Ron. I did some research, and NutriYums are terrible for you.
Ron Swanson: I don't care. We're doing it.
Leslie Knope: That's a... We're in a sidebar. Do you not care about your city's health?
Ron Swanson: I care about the people's right to consume whatever they want.

Andy: Dude, Deep Blue Sea. Greatest movie ever made.
Tom: That's the Canadian version, 22 extra minutes, and there's a bonus audio track where LL Cool J raps all his dialog.

Tom: So, this is a really big room I need packed up, guys.
Mark: This is your bedroom?
Tom: No, it's a spare room I converted into a walk-in closet lhome fitness center.
Mark: What is that?
Tom: Oh. I strapped an MP3 player to one of those floor cleaning robots. I call him "DJ Roomba." Little guy cruises around and plays music. What's hot, DJ Roomba? [music plays] DJ Roomba, tearing it up!
Andy: He likes me.

Man #3: How do we know you're really a nurse?
Ann: I am, I promise. I work at Saint Joe's.
Man #3: Well, the point is, my friend thinks you're cute. Give me your number so he can have it.
Ann: Yeah, that's not gonna happen.
Man #3: Can I have your e-mail address?
Ann: Oh, my God.
Man #3: I just got on AOL.
Ann: No!
Man #2: I think we ought to throw those bars out and eat ham-and-mayonnaise sandwiches.
Ann: That's not a good idea.
Man #2: Ham and mayonnaise!
Ann: That's not... No.
All: [chanting] Ham and mayonnaise!