Tom: [aside to camera] When you're in government, there's a million ways to exploit your power. Have I ever given in to that temptation? No, never. I'm not that kind of politician.
[flashback:]
Tom: Official Parks and Rec business. Just need to grab a quick hot dog. Sorry about that, little girl, you can have the next one.
[back:]
Tom: I have a moral code, and I never violate it. People look at me and they say, "Wow, Tom. You are so pure, you're like a brown Superman with a beard that just stands for justice and truth and the American way."

Leslie Knope: There it is. Let's clear the air. Last night, I opened up this gift basket, for my own pleasure.
Tom: Really. Leslie Knope. Usually such a prudish stickler for the rules.
Leslie Knope: I'm not happy about it either, Tom.
Tom: It's like I don't even know you anymore.
Jerry: Last year you wrote me up for making personal phone calls to my mom.
Leslie Knope: Yes, I did. And I would do it again. Two wrongs do not make a right.
Jerry: Yes, but she was in the hospital.
Leslie Knope: I did not know that at the time.

Leslie Knope: It happened right out there, right outside this window. Why can't I look away?
Ron Swanson: Let's not blow this out of proportion.
Leslie Knope: I will blow this in proportion! The minimum punishment for this is an official reprimand from the city manager.
Ron Swanson: It's not that big a deal.
Leslie Knope: Maybe in your world it isn't a big deal. You're a white Protestant man with a full, rich mustache. But I am a woman and I need to hold myself up to a higher standard.
Ron Swanson: This is ridiculous. You're punishing yourself more than anybody else is gonna punish you.
Leslie Knope: No. What do you suggest we do? You think we should cover this up?
Ron Swanson: No, I'm not saying that. No one said cover-up.
Leslie Knope: Good, because the cover-up is worse than the crime. When you spill something and you try to wipe it up with something that's dirty, then you get double dirty.
Ron Swanson: Please don't make this worse.
Leslie Knope: Oh, my God.

Tom: Do you want me to run some test questions with you? Maybe give you an idea of what the disciplinary committee will be like?
Leslie Knope: Yeah, that'd be great. Yeah, thanks, Tom.
Tom: Okay. So, Miss Knope, you're accused of stealing wine. How many drinks do you have per week, on average?
Leslie Knope: Zero. Zero to six.
Tom: I'm gonna write down 10.
Leslie Knope: Yeah.
Tom: Do you ever cheat on your taxes?
Leslie Knope: No, no, no. Never.
Tom: Good. You're doing great.

Tom: How many sexual partners have you had in the last year?
Leslie Knope: Are they gonna ask that?
Tom: This is a deposition-style hearing, Miss Knope. Nothing is off-limits. You have to answer. Now, how many sexual partners have you had in the last year?
Leslie Knope: Zero to six.
Tom: Zero. Have you ever thought about Ron sexually?
Leslie Knope: What?
Tom: Including dreams. Have you ever had a sexual dream about our boss, Ron Swanson?
Leslie Knope: No! Absolutely not. No.
Tom: Yes.
Leslie Knope: No.
Tom: Now, in this recurring dream that you have about Ron, is he like a regular Ron, or is he half-Ron, half-animal, like a centaur?
Leslie Knope: What? No...
Tom: Is he wearing a football uniform? Are you making love to him on a couch shaped like his mustache? Is he covered in Powerade?
Leslie Knope: No, okay. Time-out. Time-out.
Tom: This committee doesn't take time-outs, Miss Knope. Now answer the question!
Leslie Knope: I need something to drink.
Tom: How about some stolen wine?
Leslie Knope: No. I meant water.
Tom: Thank you for your time, Miss Knope. You're fired. So, that's kind of your worst-case scenario, you know? If you can handle that, I think you'll be fine.

Mark: You look like you need one of these. Come on. You're over 21.
Leslie Knope: You're not supposed to be drinking on government property.
Mark: Loosen up. You're gonna drive yourself crazy trying to follow every single rule in government.
Leslie Knope: Mark, I have a letter in my file.
Mark: I got seven letters in my file. Pretty much every guy in city planning has a bunch of letters. So, welcome to the team. [toast]
[aside to camera:]
Leslie Knope: Look out, boys. I'm in your club now. [to the male pictures on the wall] I'm in your club. I'm in your club. I'm in your club. I'm in your club. I'm in your club. I'm in your club. I'm in your... Mmm. Creepy.

Jerry: Ooh. Hey, Tom. Check it out. Norton Construction just sent this over.
Tom: Whoa, mama!
Jerry: I love Great Lakes wine.
Tom: You can have the wine. I want to take that cheese and do terrible things to it.

Leslie Knope: So, Ann. I asked April to create one of those social network Internet profiles for the Sullivan Street pit. So, are you guys ready for the debut?
Tom: Yes, can we cut that red ribbon around your monitor now?
Leslie Knope: Absolutely. I love a good ribbon cutting.

Tom: Look at this lady. She's got a thong on her face.
April: Oh, my God, his favorite movie is Dances With Wolves.
Leslie Knope: Okay, we're good. We'll keep checking in on this.

Leslie Knope: You know what we should do? Let's go out there. Let's bust up that old boys' club. We're doing great work in the government. We deserve to be included.
Ann: Sure, yeah. I could use a beer.
Leslie Knope: Yes, Ann! That's good, think like a man. April, we're leaving, you're in charge. And it's because you're a woman!