Nick: Back to the basics, Schmidt. Okay, there's only seven types of stories.
Schmidt: Please, don't list them.
Nick: I'm gonna list them. Man vs. Man, Man vs. Dog, Dog vs. Zombie, James Bond, stories of kings and lords, women over 50 finding themselves after divorce, and car commercial.
Winston: My favorite is, uh, that Toyota, Uh... Ev-every... the family's in the car...
Nick: You're thinking of the food commercial.
Schmidt: Really? Fat boy talks to idiot.
Nick: Okay, eight, fat boy talks to idiot.

Aly: Oh, Winston, now's really not a good time.
Winston: I know saying the word "bride" to you was a little crazy, But let me just explain myself, okay? What I meant to say is that you're beautiful. Every day with you is so much better. Your brain is banging. The skin-bag it comes in ain't too bad either. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. You know what, except that I'm not sorry, okay? Because this is who I am.
Aly: No, Winston, I have food poisoning. Yeah, I don't know who let Nick's mute park friend cook dinner for 20, but I want to find and throw up on them.

Schmidt: If you don't mind, I'd like to say a few words about my mom and my mom's...
Louise & Susan: My mom's friend Susan.
Schmidt: God, you guys, let me talk ["tawk"]. Look, Susan, I know I never fully accepted you. I just... I didn't know how long you were gonna be around. And, also, you used to call my mom the Big Ragoo and me the Little Ragoo, and I couldn't make any sense of it. But... You're a part of our family now. To my mom... And my mom.

Nick: You gonna barf?
Schmidt: [heaves] I muffed us! [sighs] I muffed us straight to the moon! I can never write my vows right now, I can barely even spell my own name. "S", jeans... Is that right? Is "jeans" not a letter? It feels like a letter to me.
Nick: Schmidt, this is...
Schmidt: I-I know it's something, is it not a letter?

Coach: How are you gonna ask me to help you play games with Aly, man? You don't want that. Be who you are. Now, the only way to find out why she left, is to go over there and ask her. Now.
Winston: Yeah, but...
Coach: Just do it! I don't yell in New York because everyone yells there and it's less meaningful, but I will yell here. Now push the button. God.
Winston: You really don't yell in New York?
Coach: Dude, I'm always in a museum.
Winston: Oh, my goodness.
Coach: I'm always in a museum.

Louise: Thank you for letting us stay in your room.
Schmidt: Of course.
Louise: I'm sorry your mother's not coming, Cece. Her disapproval of my son fills me with a hot rage. I've repressed into a cyst on my back.
Susan: It's grotesque. Sweet dreams, kid.
Schmidt: Night, Mom. Good night, my mom's friend Susan. Are you guys sure that you don't want to use the air mattress?
Susan: We sleep together.
Louise: We've been lovers since 1998.
Schmidt: [laughs]

Jess: I want to thank everyone for an amazing rehearsal dinner. Special shout out to Winston for a shockingly good toast. [all applaud]
Nick: Winston!
Cece: Insanely good.
Schmidt: Dipping in and out of French.
Sam: Powerful stuff, man.
Aly: Yay!
Winston: No. Blessings, blessings on all your households.

[as Schmidt and Cece kiss:]
Nick: Break it up!
Jess: What is this? The last night of drama camp?
Winston: Enjoy it while you can because it gets boring. Same old lips year after year with no spark, just dead tongues touching, like decayed salmon.
Schmidt: Oh, my god, Winston!
Winston: I did it!

Schmidt: How'd I lose it? I wear it around my neck. I even we... I even wear it when I got a spray tan.
Winston: Ooh. I think I know what happened.
Schmidt: What? [Winston picks a piece of debris off his shoe] 1Is that a piece of my flash drive?
Winston: Yes, it is. You see, earlier tonight, when we were practicing the hora...
[flashback:]
Schmidt: Winston, stop trying to throw me off the chair! That's not the game! [all cheering]
[present:]
Nick: I don't mean this anti-Jewish at all, but that insane Jew dance has ruined our lives.

Schmidt: My vows were like a novel. How much of your zombie novel do you remember?
Nick: Chapter one... "on Jack Granger's 41st birthday, he was shot in the face by his dog Ed."
Schmidt: Understand the situation that I'm in.
Nick: You are so lucky.
Schmidt: How-how am I lucky, Nick?
Nick: 'Cause one of the greatest writers of our time is about to enter this room. Would you like to meet him?
Schmidt: All right.
Nick: I'll go get him. [exits]
Schmidt: There's no way it's not him, right?
Winston: You think it's him?
Nick: [returns] It's me.