Cece: Just admit it, you're jealous.
Schmidt: Uh, I'm not. I simply want a demographic breakdown of all the guys who hit on you. You know, jacked dudes, swole dudes, yoked dudes. What in Megyn Kelly's America are you doing, Nick?

Nick: I'm installing a high-end shower.
Winston: Nick's got a crush on a girl who is way out of his league.
Nick & Cece: Ooh...
Schmidt: Do you want a boom box?
Cece: You gonna invite her to winter formal?
Nick: When you're my age, you don't form crushes anymore. I'm past that. I don't remember anything about her. I mean, what, does she have brown hair, brown eyes, a nose? She had moxie, she ran the room, she commanded it. [knock on door] She's here, she's here! All right, guys, make your hair look good. Everybody, make your hair look good, okay? Don't embarrass me.

Reagan: South-facing windows, a balcony, stainless steel appliances, and I'm guessing someone with extreme OCD that lives here to keep this place clean.
Schmidt: Hello, I'm Schmidt.
Reagan: You were a large child.
Nick: That's incredible.
Schmidt: Yes, I-I was obese.

Schmidt: Cece, y-you went to the MTV Beach House? Did you get to announce a video and then scream?
Cece: Actually, we both did.
Reagan: Yeah. And then we hooked up.
Cece: Yeah, that's true, too.
Schmidt: [moaning softly]
Reagan: Is he okay? It sounds like there's a dishwasher in his face.
Cece: I know, it's just, uh... he's just processing.

Nick: What a turn of events, the fact that you guys hooked up.
Reagan: You know, that was a big summer for me. Remember, I-I pierced my nose.
Cece: I know.
Reagan: I forgave my mom. I realized that I was bisexual. I mean, of course I went for you. I go nuts for big boobs. I'm a real melon-felon.
Cece: Oh, trust me, I remember. [laughs]
Reagan: [about Schmidt] I think he's having a seizure.
Cece: No, no. It's just that when he has to process a lot of emotions, sometimes he likes to do Nick Cannon's solo from Drumline.

Reagan: [to Nick] Okay. Just fix the shower. It needs to be in the center of the ceiling and water needs to come out of it. [to Winston] You have a cat, don't you?
Winston: How'd you know?
Reagan: It's very obvious.

Winston: Utilities are not included. Just wanted to make sure that didn't get lost in all of this.

Reagan: Are you sucking on a block of cheese?
Schmidt: No.
Reagan: Oh, my God. Here. Take this free sample of antacids. Consider it a parting gift. I don't want this anyway. Some weird friend group... shenanigans. I can't get involved.
Schmidt: You're a real lone wolf, huh? New day, new city? A real lady Costner.

Schmidt: What do you got?
Reagan: You can pick one thing.
Schmidt: Easy. Uterus-shaped stress toy.
Reagan: Not surprised.
Schmidt: [toy squeaking] This is really helping, thank you. Can I also get the double-sided pen?
Reagan: No.

Winston: Hey, about earlier. I'm sorry that I basically let you drown in the shower. And then called you a soggy little bitch.
[flashback:]
Nick: I don't know how to build a rain shower, okay?! Help me!
Winston: I want to help you! But I'm gonna get wet! It's too late for you! There's still time for me!
[present:]
Winston: I'm sorry I squirted you with all that shampoo. It-it was supposed to be a metaphor, but I-I really just panicked, to be honest with you. I was trying to be tough, but it came off as mean.