Nick: No, I appreciate you looking out for me. I-I've got no chance with Reagan. She's hot and she's cool and she's bisexual. That means she likes men and women.
Winston: I know what bisexual means.
Nick: I can't compete with that. That's too many people, Winston. That's all the people! It's time to stop chasing
the magic. Now I'm gonna ask out a girl who will not stop staring at me. But why do I feel so nervous?
Winston: You know, I'll tell you why you're nervous, my friend. [Nick walks off] It's because you're human. Because you're... Where the hell is my cherry?

Nick: Jen just agreed to go out with me any time, any day, anywhere.
Winston: How do you feel?
Nick: Totally fine, bordering on no feeling at all.
Aly: Ah, yes, the sweet spot.

Cece: Oh, hey, Schmidt. Be careful, okay? There's a guy over there that brought me flowers. I might realize that I'm in love with him and run away.
Schmidt: Does he come in here often? [off Cece's look] An unfortunate start.

Nick & Winston: Magic!
Nick: That was magic.
Aly: Okay, you guys saw magic. I watched a hot girl pour herself a drink and then leave without paying.
Nick: Wait, she left?
Aly: She's a robber. Nick has a crush on a robber.
Nick: How did she leave so fast? She's amazing.

Winston: Uh, you coming?
Aly: Oh, I would. But I have to stay here and eat pretzels.
Winston: Okay, I'll call you with an update.
Aly: No.
Winston: I'll text you with an update.
Aly: Don't.

Schmidt: Uh, ma'am, we're surprising her because we want her to move in with us. See, earlier I said, "Get out!" And she did. [Nick, Cece, Winston clamoring] Which was an embarrassing mistake by me.
Woman: I don't speak English.
Nick: Oh, where are you from?
Woman: Um, outside of Connecticut.

Reagan: What are you doing here?!
Nick: Thank you for the swift kick to the face. Perhaps you want to live in our place. [Reagan sighs] Genuinely didn't rhyme on purpose.

Winston: I think what he's trying to say is, we want you to come live with us.
Schmidt: Yeah. That's right.
Reagan: I'm okay here. I actually worked it out so that I get to pick out a lobster to eat at the end of every week. It's a sick deal.
Schmidt: You know what's a sick deal? Friendship. [all groan]
Reagan: That's an unacceptable segue. I actually like being a loner. It means fewer people break into my hotel room.

Schmidt: Okay, well, if you're such a loner, then why did you help me with Cece?
Reagan: I don't know.
Schmidt: You could've left when I kicked you out. You could've left when you caught me beasting that hunk of cheese.
Reagan: That was disgusting.
Schmidt: But you stayed. Now I'm not leaving. And Cece's not leaving and Nick... Well, Nick physically can't leave. Winston's not leaving.
Winston: Hey, I'm Winston, by the way.
Schmidt: None of us are leaving until you agree to move in with us.
Reagan: This is actually the kindest, creepiest thing that a group of people I've only known for four hours has ever done for me. Ah, screw it. I'm gonna move in!

Nick: I can't see what's going on, after being kicked in the head. But I'm picturing a very happy scene.