Jess: Oh, my God. What's in that duffel bag? He's the plumber from the story. How did I not see this before?
Nick: What was I saying?
Jess: Oh, my God, you were right.
Nick: Yes, say that again, say that again.
Jess: You were right, you were right, you were right about everything.
Nick: Don't ever forget you're saying it!
Jess: Oh, my God, I can't believe you were right.
Nick: I was a right about everything!

Nick: [on the phone] Jess, he wants to kill you!
Jess: What...?
Nick: I am in his shed right now What? And there are drawings on the wall of you, and bloody weapons and googly eyes. Googly eyes are actually kind of sexy, but that's beside... Jess, I will not let you be in a room alone with this guy. You're the deer in his story. He wants to kill you. You're the deer, you're the deer, you're the deer.

Edgar: Remember when you told me to base my characters on people from my own life? Well, I based one on you.
Jess: So flattered.
Edgar: And then I realized that there was only one way for the story to end. You need to die.
Jess: Apricot, apricot. [as Edgar bends down to pick something up] No! [sings] Hey...! Uh, uh-uh-uh...! Look at that notebook.

Edgar: You said, "Great literature is surprising." What's more surprising than killing your main character?
Jess: What about this ... go with me ... what if, um, what if my character lives and the book just goes on? Imagine coming to the end of the book, and then just finding a lot more book. Surprise. ["I'm So Excited" ring tone plays] Um, oh.
Edgar: I heard that song yesterday.
Jess: This song is everywhere these days.
Edgar: Were you at my house? Okay, thank you. Good-bye.
Jess: No. No! No!
Edgar: I have to go... right now.
Jess: [on the phone] Apricot's leaving! Apricot's leaving!

Nick: Hey, man. Hey, take this as a compliment, pal. Your stories are so real.
Edgar: Well, it's because what you taught me.
Jess: You listened?
Edgar: Well, of course I listened. You were a good teacher. Until you thought I was a murderer and you broke into my shed.
Jess: Aw! You were my favorite student until I thought you were a murderer.
Edgar: Ah...
Jess: Your son's a really great writer.
Old Woman: He's not my son.
Edgar: Oh! Are you kidding?! Really?! Real nice, you two. Come here, baby.
Old Woman: Mm! God, you smell like waffles.
Edgar: I love it. Did you just make some waffles?
Old Woman: Want to eat me up?
Edgar: Yes, I do. I'll meet you inside. I'm gonna get the duffel bag.
Old Woman: Yes, do.

Schmidt: You ever notice... when Winston runs, that he kinda farts while he's running?
Nick: Yes! Sounds like a jalopy.
Jess: New pogo.
Schmidt: Oh, we got a great new pogo!
Nick: He farts when he runs!