Cece: Now you know your pogo, you truly know it all. There I go being a smart-ass again. I mean, that, that could be my pogo.

Jess: And then there was one.
Nick: Oh, no, no, no, I'm sure that you guys have stuff you laugh at me behind my back.
Schmidt: We don't laugh about your pogo, Nick.
Winston: Yeah. We're worried about you.
Nick: You're worried about me?
Schmidt: We're worried that you're not gonna make it.
Nick: Make it to what?
Jess: Just in general. 'Cause you don't take care of yourself.
Schmidt: Sometimes I'll crumple up vitamins and I'll put them in your food.
Jess: We all take turns sneaking money into your pants pockets before we put them in the dryer.
Nick: Yeah? Well, I hope you're happy. The pogos are out. The loft dynamic is ruined.

Jess: [on the phone] I'm at school and I'm doing office hours...
Nick: Get out now!
Jess: Okay, I'll just, I'll just keep you on the line, and then I'll say the safe word, okay? I'll just say it like... Apricots! Apricots!
Nick: Good. Yeah, yeah, that's what you say if you see Edgar.
Jess: Apricots! Really, apricots!
Nick: Oh, no. Okay, okay, stop it. He's there. Okay. I thought it was gonna be "dragon slippers."
Edgar: Is this a bad time or...?
Jess: No, no, no, no. I just have a deaf grocer. Apricots! Apricots! And butter.

Edgar: You thought I was a murderer? You thought I was a murderer of people?
Jess: You said you were gonna kill me, so I don't know.
Edgar: Your character... in my graphic novel.
Old Woman: He's an excellent artist.
Nick: Okay, but your drawings, they don't have any eyes.
Edgar: Hate drawing eyes. It's weird.
Old Woman: He can't draw eyes.
Nick: There's a reason for everything.
Jess: What about the duffel bag?
Edgar & Old Woman: Don't ask about the duffel bag!
Old Woman: Bitch.

Jess: What are you doing up?
Nick: Just taking care of myself.
Jess: Are you putting butter on bacon?
Nick: I don't want it to stick to the pan.
Jess: Okay, did you...? Great. It's just what bacon needs, more fat. And salt.

Jess: "Julius Pepperwood: Zombie Detective"?
Nick: All his murder victims are already dead, so they obviously don't need a detective. I'm working on it.
Jess: "The night was inky hot."
Nick: Don't do this.
Jess: "She strode into his office with a sense of purpose, place, another word here, question mark."
Nick: I'm looking for another "P" word there.
Jess: "She had zombie legs that went on for miles. They were the kind of legs you could sink your teeth into. Pepperwood had two friends ... one, if you count his hat. The other was his gal Friday, Jessica Night."
Nick: It's not you, Jess.
Jess: "She was small in stature, but not in spunk. And a super annoying know-it-all."

Schmidt: Oh, bacon.
Nick: Where the hell did you come from?
Schmidt: I came from my room.
Nick: No, I didn't hear the pitter-patter of your disgusting feet.
Schmidt: I cut my toenails. Yeah, the soaking really worked. Look at that. They're gorgeous now. Went down a full shoe size.

Jess: You can't put out a grease fire with water! You have to smother it!
Nick: Why didn't you say that before?!
Jess: I don't want to be a know-it-all!

Nick: Amazing, my man! Whoa. Whoa.
Winston: Honestly, I didn't know you were gonna put your arm around me. I'm so sorry.
Jess: Oh, you put up your pup tent in front of the fire.
Winston: It's involuntary. It is a combination of adrenaline and great circulation. And I'd appreciate it if you don't just hug me randomly! That's weird and...!

Cece: Okay. You said you had a breakthrough.
Jess: It's just a whole new world teaching adults. This week, I gave them an assignment. I said write whatever you want just load it up with descriptive imagery.
[flashback:]
Ben: My fluffy pillow, my yellowy fluffy pillow, next to my dog, my hairy dog, my beloved hairy dog, while I diddle myself.
Jess: Excellent.
Susie: He was a merman. He was the last of his kind, and he needed a mother for his mer-child. He was not a mer-gentleman.
Jess: Can't wait to hear more.