Nick: Let's just say, hypothetically, we live in a world where time travel exists, okay? So if that is the case...
Schmidt: One, Marie Antoinette. Two, Cleopatra. Three, young Ann-Margret. Four, old Ann-Margret.
Nick: Would you shut up, you clown?! I'm being serious! I'm talking about real time travel here, Schmidty.
Schmidt: And I made an astute observation off of that.

Jess: Okay, look, I had the best sex of my life last night. He brewed me like a fine chamomile.
Nick: Oh, so that was you. I thought that was a couple bums fighting.
Jess: It wasn't.. It was me having sex. I left my body, went up to heaven, saw my grandparents, thought it was weird that I saw my grandparents, came back down, I became a werewolf, I scared some teenagers. I came back into my body. Only thing is, he thinks my name is Katie. And that I'm a dancer and/or something involving puppets.

Nick: I might have met future me.
Schmidt: Who knows about this?
Nick: Nobody. You're the first person I've told, obviously.
Schmidt: Whoa.
Nick: If I find out how you die, do you want me to tell you?
Schmidt: Don't worry. I already know. It's one of these moles. See this little S.O.B. right there?
Nick: That's the guy?
Schmidt: I've been eyeing him for a while. That's one's gonna turn green one day, and then [snaps fingers] there you go. Schmidt's dead.

Jess: Katie... Has a job, y'all. I think I should just stay Katie.
Schmidt: Maybe you should watch a cautionary tale that I like to call The Nutty Professor.

Nick: Do I ever finish writing my zombie book?
Older Nick: Z is for Zombie?
Nick: Great title. Do we ever get rich and famous?
Older Nick: Three words: Hot, air, balloon.
Nick: Do we invent them? No, they've been invented.

Schmidt: Jess, are you cooking a frittata in a saucepan? What is this, prison?

Jess: He says, "Can't stop thinking" about what you're gonna wear tonight." How do I respond?
Cece: With a simple...
Jess: Mm-hmm.
Cece: "Or not wear."
Jess: Okay.
Cece: Okay?
Jess: "Or not wear because sex happens naked." Send.
Cece: Okay, let me help you with that. "Just kidding. Get ready for a night you will never forget." Okay?
Jess: "Because once you see my body, you will go brain-dead and have memory loss." Send. Oh, no. Autocorrect changed "body" to "meat bar."

Jess: Oh, my God. I forgot. I've never had two guys into me before. What's happening?
Schmidt: Jess, I'm gonna tell you what's happening. Okay, there comes a time in every person's life when... for no reason whatsoever they are irresistible to the opposite sex. For me, it was the third night of Hanukkah '96, which I like to refer to as The Night of the Shoshannas.
Nick: For me, it's every time I jet ski.

Nick: Jess, can I have a word with you? Take a break! You're looking at this the wrong way. This is the first time you don't have to be anywhere or do anything.
Jess: Right.
Nick: You could make weird art or... don't make weird art. But the point is you can do whatever you want. You could go off the grid. You could be an outlaw.
Jess: I'm not really someone who goes off the grid, Nick.
[later, at the bar:]
Jess: Whoo-hoo! I'm off the grid! I'm so far off the grid, that everybody's all, "She's off the grid!" And then I'm all, "I don't play by your rules." I can drink at 11:00... a.m.
Nick: Yeah, that backfired pretty quickly.
Jess: High five.

Schmidt: Winston, I need you to be honest with me, okay?
Winston: Yeah.
Schmidt: Does your mother not like me?
Winston: Yes.
Schmidt: She does, she does not like me?
Winston: Schmidt, she loves you.
Schmidt: Good, good, because, you know, historically speaking, I'm like, catnip to tough-talking African-American women. It's 'cause I don't front, know what I mean?
Winston: Don't do that.
Schmidt: A'ight.
Winston: What is that?