Schmidt: Winston, your sister got so hot. I'm gonna have to Shaq attack her.
Winston: Schmidt.
Schmidt: May I have your blessing? 'Cause I'm gonna be, Like, dribbling up the court.
Winston: Schmidt.
Schmidt: Boom. Technical foul. Boom. Illegal use of the hands. Boom.
Charmaine: Hello, Schmidt.
Schmidt: Charmaine. Charmaine! The loft just became Big Mama's House! Give me a hug.
Charmaine: You gonna take care of this?
Winston: He's dead to me.
Charmaine: Okay.

Sam: Hi. Excuse me. Are you Katie? I'm Sam from Cupid Match.
Jess: And I'm the girl from my dreams of you.
Sam: You are Katie, right?
Jess: [clears throat] Yeah.
Sam: Finally.
Jess: I am. I'm Katie. Hi.
Sam: Hi. So many e-mails back and forth. How's the little dog of yours?
Jess: I had to put her-im down on the way here.
Sam: Oh, my God!
Jess: I know.

Older Nick: Can I tell you something?
Nick: Uh, not really.
Older Nick: I'm you from the future.
Nick: Well, that's a first.
Older Nick: Nick, I traveled from the future to find you. I'm a time traveler.
Nick: Does everybody tip badly in the future, or is it just you?
Older Nick: You don't believe I'm you, do you?
Nick: Absolutely not.
Older Nick: Well, I know you didn't shower this morning.
Nick: Well, good guess. It's a Wednesday.
Older Nick: I know a girl broke your heart and you gave up on love. I know sometimes you get mad and you don't know why. I know you're a bartender because you like three feet of bar between you and everyone you meet.
Nick: Well, I mean...
Older Nick: Chew on that, you clown.
Nick: Wait. Hey, don't-don't say all that weird stuff and then just leave! You were wrong about the bar! But everything else was right.

Nick: I met me in my bar!
Schmidt: Ask him when I meet Kanye. 'Cause I vision...
Nick: I'm talking about real time travel.
Schmidt: I have visions of me, Kanye, Beyoncé...
Nick: I could figure out what happened...!

Schmidt: Wow, Katie's an animal. Katie's the best.
Nick: Nice.
Jess: I love being Katie.
Nick: Vintage Katie.
Schmidt: Like an animal you are.
Jess: Katie knows how the sausage gets made.
Nick: Ew.

Schmidt: And then there's you, who has this raw animal magnetism just dropped in her lap like a sack of taters. What a waste.
Jess: I'm pretty sure it is not a waste.
Schmidt: Oh, it's a waste. Jess, look, you don't have the skill to juggle men.
Nick: You wear a cardigan on top of another cardigan.
Schmidt: We all know you're not the best with doorknobs.
Nick: You can barely hold one thing in each hand.
Schmidt: You tripped the other day just standing there.

Jess: What's happening? Okay, but Katie can juggle men. She's out the door before you even know your wallet's gone, son. [phone chimes] Ooh. He wants to cook for me. Is there a hot way of saying I don't feel sexy after I've had a lot of cheese?
Nick: I would say no.

Schmidt: Well, it took a year, she's finally cooking and cleaning. I knew this would pay off eventually.
Jess: Does everybody like egg pie?
Schmidt: Jess, I believe the word that you're looking for is "frittata."
Jess: Oh, Schmidt, stop staring at my fritta-tas! [laughs]

Winston: You gotta do something, Nick. My sister's coming, my mother's coming.
Jess: I love being unemployed. I love it!
Nick: If I'd lost my job a week ago, I'd be deep in a porn hole by now.
Jess: Five-second rule.
Nick: The images, the things I would have seen by now. It's...

Nick: Jess! What is this?!
Jess: I just finished that last night. Isn't it great?
Schmidt: Felt art?
Winston: Nick?
Nick: I'm on it.
Jess: What?
Schmidt: What photograph were you working from? My hair hasn't looked like that in three weeks.
Nick: Your hair looks just like that, Schmidt.
Jess: Yeah, your hair looks just like that.
Nick: You are perfect in that.
Schmidt: This is making me furious.
Jess: It's multi-cloth collage.
Schmidt: Insane!