Winston: A-ha! You see this whole time, y'all thought you were having breakfast with Winston, but it turns out y'all been sitting with James Wonder. I'm talking about my alias. See, I'm thinking about applying for undercover work.
Jess: That sounds incredibly dangerous.
Winston: Well, not if I go deep enough into my undercover character. I've been practicing on y'all unknowin' asses. I combined the names of my favorite singers... Stevie Wonder and James Blunt. And I put those together to create a different name as my alias, James Wonder.
Jess: I'm worried you're not the undercover type of guy. I feel like if you had the ability to pretend to be someone else, you would have made that decision a long time ago. I feel like that sounded harsh, but it's only 'cause I care about you.

Jess: Okay, James. Uh, let's leave now so I can show you the school's landscaping.
Ed: Wait, actually, I have a stubborn back yard. Uh, I don't want to bring in frogs, but if I could attract frogs...
Winston: Very common situation in our business. You need a well.
Ed: A well? Oh. Well, you need to let me buy you a bottle of wine and pick your brain about all this.
Winston: [laughs] That sounds good, E-dawg. We should... But... but right now, I should get going.
Jess: Yeah.
Winston: I got a butt load of koi fish in the back of my truck that need bonding.

Nick: Would you be interested in rubble from old Yankee Stadium?
Schmidt: What, for my rubble collection?
Nick: I'm having a really hard time finding something for you. I thought I was just gonna go on the Internet, but the Internet is so different now. Have you been on the Internet lately?
Schmidt: How drunk are you?
Nick: I remember when the Internet used to just be a naked lady and a bunch of dancing hamsters.
Schmidt: How drunk are you, Nick?
Nick: I literally haven't had one thing to drink.
Schmidt: How many drinks have you had?
Nick: Give me a breathalyzer.
Schmidt: It feels like you're drunk.
Nick: Z-Y-X-N-L-P-A.
Schmidt: You're hammered.
Nick: I'm drunk.

Nick: I don't know what to do. I want to get you something great, but I can't find anything on the Internet. Here's the truth. I'd give you my heart. I'd rip it out of my chest but... but then I would literally die. But you know that, you're studying to be a nurse.
Cece: No, I'm not.
Nick: You're already a nurse?
Cece: Not a nurse.
Nick: But you went to college didn't you?
Cece: Why didn't you just give us the Vitalstir?
Nick: Because then it would just end up in a landfill in a year when they come out with a Vitalstir 3001.
Cece: Well, I imagine they'd go to 4000. Do you think that they have made 3,000 different Vitalstir models?
Nick: Do you really think they've perfected this blender in four tries? You're not a nurse.

Ed: Genevieve, this is James Wonder.
Genevieve: Hey.
Ed: A potential new dad. He's a landscape architect. And father of Asher.
Genevieve: And husband of?
Winston: I... I'm a widower.
Genevieve: Oh, oh...
Winston: Yeah. Yeah, she, um... she got squished.
Jess: Squished?
Winston: Mm-hmm.
Genevieve: Did she? Did she?

Genevieve: Ed! Oh, are-are you okay?
Ed: Sorry, I was, uh, moved to tears by the... second grader's self-portraits. I cannot believe you are gonna abandon us next year.
Genevieve: Oh...
Ed: I'm like, "Ah, don't go!"
Jess: [English accent] I can keep the accent so you'll barely notice she's gone. Prince 'enry, pet me corgi.

Genevieve: You must be holding a lot of sadness in your legs. I have hands like a bonobo... strong.
Winston: Oh, wow.
Genevieve: There we go. Ooh. Very good.
Winston: Aah! Ow! Now, no! I have a girlfriend. Her name is Aly.
Genevieve: Wasn't your wife recently squished?
Winston: Yeah. That-that happened. She was indeed... But then, we cremated her. And we, we, we had to dry her out first.

Genevieve: Didn't think I'd ever see you again.
Winston: I came to say goodbye. Asher and I are moving to Colorado.
Genevieve: Is that where Aly lives?
Winston: No. The city of Denver wants me to landscape an entire mountain. It's a whole thing.

Cece: Babe, can you help me finish this thank you card to Asha Auntie? She got us... that.
Schmidt: That porpoise porn?
Cece: Yeah.
Schmidt: "Best, comma, Cece and Schimdt."
Cece: All we're gonna give her is a "Best, comma"? Come on, she's my mom's sister.
Schmidt: Well, she should have stuck to the registry.

Schmidt: Principal, that's great. I'm really proud of you. And now you're almost gonna make what normal people make.