Jess: Last night was horrible. Sam came over, we tried to make out, I stopped it, and then we just laid there like the old couple in The Notebook waiting to die.

Schmidt: Yeah, no, nobody gets rowdy like us Romney boys. Just a bunch of alphas, you know what I mean?That is, of course, unless we're fishing on Lake Winnipesauke. There's nothing that I love more than just getting out on the water with Dad, the freezing cold dawn, a couple of cold beers in hand. Having that one quick moment...
Courtney: Your dad doesn't drink. He's a Mormon.
Schmidt: Well, we don't drink the beers, Courtney. You know, we just buy them to support American breweries. Then we dump them in the lake. 'Cause we're Americans.

Schmidt: Are-are you spelling it right? Two "G"s, silent "B."
Megan: Here's a picture of the whole family. And you are not in it.
Schmidt: Yeah, well, somebody had to take the picture, Megan.
Courtney: Just admit it. You're not a Romney.
Schmidt: Oh, I'm not a Romney? Would a non-Romney know this? That Ma and Pa never go to bed angry. That there are 16 grandchildren, Allie, Joe, Thomas, Gracie, Wyatt, Parker, Miles, Jonathan, Sawyer, Nate, Nash, Mia, Owen, Soleil, Nick and Chloe.
Megan: Those are just facts you got from the Internet.
Schmidt: I'm proud to be a Romney. Okay? I'm proud to have had a dad that was around when I was growing up. A dad that took me camping, a dad that spent Saturdays with me, throwing... throwing the football. A dad that gave me a wink when I left for prom night and said, "Be safe, son." When I think of a dad like that, I'm proud not only of the Romney name, but of this country. God bless Mitt Romney. God bless America.
April: It's a candid shot from the governor's biography. The caption says, "The whole family."
Schmidt: Nitpicking turns me off. You're all horribly unattractive to me. Tugg Romney, out.

Winston: [to the doorman] We got Tagg Romney out here. We're gonna need you to sweep the the perimeter.
Doorman: What the hell you talking about?
Schmidt: Tagg Romney. Pleasure to meet you, sir.
Doorman: Romney. Like, Mitt Romney's your dad?
Schmidt: Let's get America back to work.

Nick: Look, I did what you said, and I feel terrible.
Winston: Because you didn't set boundaries.
Nick: I don't know what that means, Winston.
Winston: As a friend, you can lift a heavy object, but you can't drive her to the airport, okay? You can hold the elevator, but only if you see her running down the hallway saying, "Hey, man, please can you hold the elevator?" No picnics, no mini-muffins and never Adele.
Nick: Adele?
Winston: Never Adele.
Nick: Adele's amazing.
Winston: No Adele. No concerts, no music, no T-shirts, no nothing.
Nick: But guys and girls...
Winston: Never Adele!
Nick: A little Adele. [Winston slaps Nick]

Winston: The belt, Schmidt. Please explain the belt.
Schmidt: It's after Labor Day. I'm wearing whales.
Winston: The dumbest thing ever.
Nick: You look like the bad guy in an '80s high school movie.
Schmidt: I'll have you guys know that Kanye wore this belt, okay? Let me just say that word one more time: Kanye.
Winston: Kanye?
Schmidt: Yeah, and he looked beautiful in it. His whole midsection lit up.
Winston: What is your obsession with Kanye?
Schmidt: Befriending Kanye is the most efficient way for me to jump social strata. Now all I have to do is meet him, and then dazzle him to the point that we're each other's last call before bed. "Yo, what up, K?" "Yeah, I'm just going to sleep." "You watching Fallon? That brother's crazy."

Winston: Hey, Tagg Romney. You know if your dad's gonna win the election?
Nick: He does look like a Romney.
Schmidt: Telling me that I look like one of the most handsome men in politics does not hurt my feelings, Winston.

Nick: [on the phone] Where are you, Schmidt? This place is fancy, and I don't know which fork to kill myself with.

Jess: This place is crazy expensive.
Nick: Schmidt picked it. I can afford the valet charge and the "Add onions."

Jess: Maybe I should just stop trying with Sam. I'm old-fashioned below the belt. I've got a Civil War-era piece of equipment, and that's all she wrote.