Jess: Yeah, Nick, he might pull the funding from the school, so I'm just a little bit...
Schmidt: Blame your period. I've actually done this before. I mean, both parties knew that I was lying, obviously, but it didn't matter because they knew that I had utterly humiliated myself, and at the end of the day, they respected that.

Jess: But you've always wanted a thing. This could be your thing, like, the guy with no phone.
Nick: Well, who is that guy? I don't want to be that guy.
Jess: No, no, no, it's like mysterious. It's like, "I want to call Nick Miller." "You can't. He doesn't have a phone." "What?!" You can go all Ghost Protocol on everyone.
Nick: See, that's cool. I mean, I always wanted to be a mole person.

Nick: This is the problem, Jess. It's rich people. We are right where they want us, Jess. Just suckling on the teat of consumerism.
Jess: Yeah.
Nick: That's the exact reason I got rid of my phone.
Winston: You were denied a cell phone because you have the credit score of a homeless ghost.
Nick: How I got here doesn't matter.
Winston: You weigh more than your credit score.
Nick: I'm here now, and I'm loving it.
Jess: Yeah.
Nick: I'm the guy with no phone. I mean, right now, I'm writing a letter to my friend, Kev, seeing if he wants to party with me this Friday. "What up, Kev? You in? Nick Miller."

Jess: [on the phone] Okay, I'm gonna start with a quote against social Darwinism, then a discussion of the Gilded Age, the robber barons, the Great Society, how we ended up with a huge wealth disparity in this country, and then, I end with a bluegrass version of Public Enemy's "Fight the Power."
Nick: Bad finish.
Schmidt: What is that? Are you driving a lawn mower?
Jess: No, I just... It's my car.

Shelby: Schmidt, you're the Michael Jordan of bar trivia. We were in the Greek mythology zone. I mean, you knew every question.
Schmidt: Perseus, Icarus, Medusa... Medeuce, deuce!
Winston: Guys, you're shouting.
Shelby: I mean, you knew every answer. Like, what was the tiebreaker you got? Calvin Coolidge's birthplace?
Schmidt: Little Plymouth Notch, son.
Winston: Wow, I'm done with this. Hey, Shelby...
Shelby: I mean, seriously, how did you know that?
Schmidt: How do you forget that? You don't. [high-fives] Jar! I'm gonna jar myself on that one.
Shelby: He's like a trivia god.
Winston: Girl, get up.
Schmidt: Winston, don't worry about it, man. It's your public school education. You'll catch up.

Will: Hey, uh, sorry, I was just checking your credit score, and I got this number that's crazily low, so I'll try again.
Nick: Don't bother. I'm sure it's right.
Will: Seriously?
Jess: Are you kidding me? 250?! You get 150 just for being alive.
Will: Hey, Mojan! Got a 250 credit score!
Nick: Well, I guess the $40 I saved on that Gap card didn't pay off.

Jess: Whoa. Makes me want to sit by the fire, and talk about how annoying Gandhi is.
Nick: Whoa, something's happening to me, Jess. I want to sit at that desk and veto a law.
Jess: What are you doing, Nick?
Nick: That's someone else's stuff.
Nick: Jess, when I put my hand on this desk, I feel sexually proficient for the first time in my life.
Jess: Nick, this man stands for everything you hate.
Nick: [picks up phone] I'm President Miller! You're all fired! Bring our boys home.
Jess: Okay, this is how evil geniuses are born.
Nick: You smell that? It smells like leather and Teddy Roosevelt and wistfulness. I want to wear this cap.
Jess: You're not helping me! Nick, I know this room is beautiful, gentlemanly, and... smells like Christmas, but you have to stay strong. I'm gonna go find Russell. Keep... playing with that duck.
Nick: [to the duck] I want to kill you. Because I respect you. I think I understand hunting!

Jess: Do you have, like, a box of charity phones you're sending to Africa? Can he just have one of those?
Will: Claire, Brendan, this guy's got a 250 credit score.
Nick: We're bringing everybody out?
Mojan: Look at this.
Claire: Oh, I'm sorry. I've been doing this a long time. I've just never seen a score this low. Did you just wake up from a coma?

Russell: Is this a bad time?
Jess: Nope, no, no, no, I was just cleaning up from the sexual health class. I had to take condoms off 30 cucumbers, and condoms are harder to take off than I thought. I know how to put them on, but I didn't know how to take them off. I guess someone else has always done it for me.
Russell: Yeah, I'm sorry. I just got off a flight from London. Maybe I'm a little out of it.
Jess: [British accent] Oh, London. Did you have a busy sch... Se-dule?

Jess: I have to grovel. I hate groveling. I would have lasted two seconds in the court of the Sun King. I think about that all the time.
Nick: You do?
Schmidt: Do you know how much I grovel on a daily basis? It is literally obscene. Come the weekend, I'm the one who's filling up my cart with Fila, Nautica, Impulse Fila, Hilfiger, CK, BR Leather cuff, and more Fila.