Jess: I don't understand. You guys talked for 30 minutes. How did our relationship not come up?
Nick: 'Cause I got scared. There were so many things that I wanted to tell her.
[flashback:]
Nick: You ever thought how weird it would be if you just gave up your thumb? You just didn't have a thumb. I mean, how would you give a thumbs up? Just like this? [cut] I think a guy died in the building, 'cause one day in the Dumpster is a bunch of clothes that just fit me. [cut; British accent:] What I like to do now is take the Underground, yeah? Spend my quid. Cheers?

Jess: I did not steal your boyfriend.
Caroline: Timeline. Now.
Jess: Okay, um you and Nick break up. London has a great Olympics. Uh-oh, trouble in Syria. Board up your windows. Superstorm Sandy. Hey, over here. Me and Nick get together.

Schmidt: Oh, what's that? Uh, you want to watch the game? Which one? Basketball? Football? Of Thrones?
Winston: Oh! That is awesome, man. Look at this place, Schmidt. You got so many plush surfaces.
Schmidt: Well, there are 15 different bang spots in here, each one specifically designated to its own sexual position.
Winston: Mm.
Schmidt: That's standing, this is sitting, that's diagonal.
Winston: That's how I do it.
Schmidt: The "Why? Why? Because." The "Closure of the Lincoln Tunnel." The "Red Beanbag Chair." Which is pretty obvious, but, you know, that's a good one. The "Glass Menagerie." The "Bike Share."

Jess: Um, okay, well, um this has been a really, um, neat talk, so, um I'm gonna go sit in the shower, and, um, go over the greatest hits in my mind.

Winston: Yeah, that's true. I mean, I'm friends with all my exes...
Jess: See?
Winston: ...families.
Nick: Ha-ha! See?
Winston: I still send Shelby's dad a Father's Day card, and he still sends me five bucks on my birthday.
Nick: What is wrong with you?
Jess: That's nice.

Cece: What is going on?
Schmidt: May I speak plainly with you, Cecilia? I'm in a bit of a sexual drought. The Good Valley Schmidt hasn't seen rain in months.
Cece: You're just you're giving off a creepy vibe. All right? Living alone is messing up your game and it's making you weird.
Schmidt: Yeah, but I love living alone.
[flashback:]
Schmidt: Where are you, grapes? Grápés. Great apes. Grapes, we have you surrounded. Come out with your stems up! [sobs while eating grapes]

Jess: You and Caroline still need some closure.
Nick: Well, what do you want me to say? That I walked out on her and now I'm dating you?
Jess: We started dating, like, a year after you broke up.
Nick: Yeah, but that doesn't matter with her. She's got a crazy streak, and this is bound to set her off. What if she hurts me physically? What if she hurts me with words?
Jess: Just talk to her. Clear the air. You'll feel better, she'll feel better. Besides, Nick, I can't give up that farmer's market. Strolling around, chatting with vendors... It's so nice. I feel like Don Corleone.
Nick: I think a lot of ladies do.

Nick: Oh, crap. This is her. She thinks I cheated, Jess.
Jess: You know who you should talk to? Berkley. He's so good at this stuff friendship, closure. Actually, he did write a book about it. It's an e-book. I gave it four stars, but it kind of falls apart at the end. He goes into God in a way I don't think he needs to. You know what? I'm gonna text him

Nick: You're leading him on, Jess.
Jess: Oh, Nick.
Nick: You are.
Jess: Berkley's really gonna teach you a lot.
Nick: Men don't talk to people they've dated unless they want sex, or they're Winston.
Winston: I also want sex.
Coach: Going to Schmidt's. He's been begging us to all week.
Nick: Jess, men are sick. Look, I'm a relatively good guy, but even I'm a sicko. Luckily, we have the Internet as a community of...

Schmidt: Fellas. You made it. As promised, here's a coupon for a free sub.
Winston: Yup. Probably get ham.
Coach: Wow, man. It's nice inside of here, man.
Winston: Yeah.
Coach: It's like a European airport.