Nick: I'm trying to turn it off, you idiot!
Winston: Oh... no.
Nick: What's going on?
Winston: Uh... Bucky got out of his cage, man. Let's go get him.
Nick: No! No! I'm getting out of here!
Winston: No, you're coming with me. You got to help me find the badger, Nick! You don't be no bitch!

Nick: Hey, give me the keys.
Jess: Where are we going?
Nick: I don't know. Where did we come from? Where do we go? Where did we come from?
Jess: [chuckes] Shut up.
Nick: Yeah, that was "Cotton-Eyed Joe," wasn't it?

Winston: Hey. Bucky bit me. Bit me bad.
Nick: Hmm.
Winston: Yeah. So, um... so I'm pretty dizzy.
Nick: Okay.
Winston: Okay, what happened with Jess?
Nick: We called it. And she left. Yeah, we-we called it off. So, now I'm gonna drink, because that's my move.
Winston: Yeah. That was also your dad's move. Yeah, when things get messy, you just run away. But, you know, there are other moves. [Nick chuckles] Go.
Nick: Thanks, man.
Winston: Hey, bartender, can you call an ambulance? I'm about to bleed out. Thanks, man.

Jess: Hey, guys! Hurry up! I'm the maid of honor and I have to be there early and I wanna get a picture in before we go.
Nick: Miami Vice called and I'm not sure... I don't know how to finish that joke.
Jess: What?
Nick: Ah, it's a crap joke, scratch it.

Elizabeth: But you must have feelings for her. You tried to sabotage her wedding.
Schmidt: I sabotaged her wedding as a friend. I didn't want her to marry someone else as a friend. It's only romantic because it's a wedding. I would be just as happy to sabotage, I don't know... let's say, her tax audit.

Winston: What? No, no.
Nick: That's my phone.
Winston: I said no phones.
Nick: I know. I'm gonna get it.
Winston: They can track us with phones.
Nick: What is going...? Relax. You're so weird with pranks. What is going on with you?
Winston: Put the phone away!

Bob Day: Let's do this. Okay, you ready? Scrunch together. There we go. No... uh, Rick, move one step to your right.
Nick: Me?
Bob Day: Yes, one step to your right. One more step to your right.
Nick: I can't go much further.
Bob Day: One more step to your right. Until you get into the hallway, and then, once you get in the hallway...
Nick: No, I see what you're doing, dude. Very funny, buddy.
Jess: Dad. Dad, Dad, we have to go...
Bob Day: ...go directly to the Chinatown trash can where you got that suit.

Elizabeth: There are so many fun, cool traditions at this thing. The groom comes in on a white horse.
Schmidt: So, basically, they're just copying my Bar Mitzvah.

Schmidt: Guys, guys, shut up and listen to me, it's Cece. She doesn't want to get married.
Winston: Damn.
Nick: What happened?
Schmidt: Well, her exact words were: "I don't want to marry Shivrang, but my whole family has flown out here from all the way across the world. I can't back out now. Please, Schmidt, as my closest friend, help me."
Nick: What did Jess say?
Schmidt: Well, Jess didn't hear it. Cece told me with her eyes.
Nick: Oh, so nothing happened.
Winston: Cool, so she's marrying Shivrang.
Schmidt: No, guys, I know Cece. I know her looks.

Schmidt: I have let her go. I'm with Elizabeth now and she's amazing. Look, Jess, I'm telling you this as Cece's friend and nothing more.
Jess: Cece loves Shivrang. I know that 'cause I know her better than you do.
Schmidt: False. When you've had sexual congress with someone and you've peered into their soul at the exact moment of fulfillment... Ew.
Jess: Ew.
Nick: [gags]
Winston: No, no, hear him out.