Jess: Ugh. I can't wait to lie down.
Nick: What? Are you crazy? We got all this mail to open. Let's open it, I'll lay it out.
Jess: But it's, like, 4:00 a.m. for us. And a grown woman just fell on me.

Nick: Well, let's just open one to get the mailman off our backs.
Jess: Okay.
Nick: I mean, not that one. That's not the one to pick. Pick one that looks really cool and interesting, right? That one? Not that one. I'm gonna open this one.
Jess: You want to open an appointment reminder from my gynecologist?
Nick: Yes, of course I do. I like to keep track of you and what's going on with your thing. So just... pick one that... You know what, I'm gonna pick one. Do you mind if I pick one for you? Is that weird? I'll just pick one. H-How about this one? Oh, this one's from Turkey. How mysterious. You want to open that one?

Nick: Russell, what are you doing here?
Russell: Well, I would've called, but my ex-wife deleted all the female numbers from my phone. Might've been nice to say good-bye to my aunt before she passed. Anyway, Jess. Uh, can we, uh... can we talk?
Nick: Uh, we're a little bit busy. We're opening mail right now.
Russell: It's only gonna take a minute, Nick.
Jess: Sure. We'll be opening mail before you know it.
Nick: But don't open that one. It might have a bomb in it. So...

Jess: This used to be Nick's room, but now it's his home office. Listen, about earlier today, when I lied about me and Nick...
Russell: Jess, I don't think I can spend another second of my day and possibly my life talking about you and Nick.
Jess: Oh. Most people find us adorable, but okay.
Russell: Come to work for me. I was being serious earlier. I've spent a year looking for the right person, and I think you'd be perfect. I know you're planning a trip, so hear me out. I'd...
Jess: Wait. I don't know what you do, still.
Russell: Yes. I was going to cover that in the "hear me out" portion.

Aly: I think at our kid's party, we go cash bar. Cash bar would solve a lot of problems.

Aly: Why have you been so casual about that? This is crazy, babe. W-What are you doing just sitting there? Get a chair. Help me get off my feet. We've got the beginning of our family in here.
Winston: Baby, can I get you anything? Anything at all?
Aly: Yes!
Winston: Like what?
Aly: Everything.
Winston: Coming right up.

Jess: Bye, Russell.
Nick: Hey. Did he like my home office?
Jess: Yes. He said it reminded him of his home office.
Nick: Well, that's because I copied his home office exactly.

Nick: Uh, I'm sorry, you guys can't be here. We're opening mail right now.
Jess: Nick's really into mail all of a sudden. You never know what Europe's gonna do to a guy.
Nick: Yeah, so...

Winston: You guys will never believe what's happening right now. Okay, fine, I'll tell you. Aly is taking a nap. I was watching her, and then I left, and... That's one big-ass cake.

Nick: I guess we're gonna open mail in front of everybody. Great. Uh... Jess, you want to go ahead?
Jess: Yeah. I just want to say we really missed you guys. And Nick, I don't need to be married to know who we are.
Nick: Really?
Jess: Really. I love you, and I love our life together, and I don't want anything to change. And the moment that someone suggested that we weren't where we should be, I went crazy. Because we're great. And why risk messing that up? We don't need to get married, and that's okay with us. Right, Nick?
Nick: Yeah, right.
Jess: So, let's see what Turkey wants.
Nick: Ah, enough of that. Give me that. Who cares what Turkey wants? Cake beats mail. We got a hungry birthday girl right here, I don't want to bore her with foreign mail.
Ruth: I like mail.
Nick: Oh, you don't know what you like. You're three years old. Excuse me. I got to go wash my hands. I've been in Europe.
Schmidt: Is he suggesting that he hasn't washed his hands since Europe?