Winston: Hey. You're gonna tell him you hate it on his daughter's birthday?
Nick: What do you want me to do? You know he's gonna ask about it.
Winston: Be cool. Okay? We'll practice. [imitating Schmidt] Neck! Do you favor my moose-tache?
Nick: I hate it.
Winston: You'll be fine.

Schmidt: So?
Nick: So?
Schmidt: See anything new?
Nick: No.
Schmidt: On me? On my face?
Nick: Oh! Y-You mean the mustache.
Schmidt: Any thoughts?
Nick: I hate it.
Schmidt: You don't... you don't mean that. You've had a long journey, you need to rest. Let's talk again when you've had some rest. All right. Welcome back.
Winston: [chuckles] All right, man.

Russell: Wow. And you're not engaged?
Jess: Well, we just take things day by day. You know, don't want to rush it.
Russell: That's right. You've always had that problem.
Jess: I'm sorry, what do you mean?
Russell: Well, you and Nick. You were always terrified of moving forward.
Jess: Oh, my God. Did you ask me before, like, when we were talking, if we were engaged? 'Cause yes, the answer is yes. We are engaged. There was a ring and everything, and-and thank God, because it was the only thing holding my finger to my hand for the entire 18-hour ambulance ride to the hospital in Warsaw. So suck on that. Right, Billie Jean King?

Schmidt: This party is a disaster.
Cece: I know.
Schmidt: Our guests have no questions for the panel.
Cece: Wait, no, wait, look.
Ruth: This is for anyone. Daddy's butt?

Winston: So you told Russell you're engaged. Well, that's simple. I'll just tell him that I'm engaged, so what was once interesting will now become commonplace.
Jess: I'm so mad at myself. But he was hectoring me. I felt completely hectored.
Winston: Forgot about "hector." That's a good word, real good word. Which reminds me, um, may I hector you to pick a favorite?

Jess: If Nick finds out that I told Russell we're engaged, he's gonna spin out, and he'll tell me he's fine, then I'll get a call a week later with him on a bus, crying somewhere, and he's gonna ask me to marry him. And then I'll never know if he wanted to marry me or if he just asked me 'cause I lied to my ex at a children's birthday party.
Winston: That was a lot.
Jess: You know what? I just need to march right up to Russell and I need to tell him the truth.
Winston: Yeah.
Jess: I can do that. I've been to Europe. I can do anything.

Schmidt: Hey, Mr. Europe.
Nick: Hey, man.
Schmidt: You know, I thought you were gonna propose for sure. I was waiting for it.
Nick: Yeah.
Schmidt: Uh? Look who it is. It's Mr. Sun. [applies lotion to his mustache] I tell you, I was sure That you were gonna pop the question. Instead, you just sent me a bunch of Instagram pictures. Pasta, bread, cheese, sorts of nonsense really. I mean, I get it, you're in Europe.
Nick: You have to know that's disgusting.
Schmidt: Relax. It'll soak in.
Nick: No, not the sunscreen. The mustache. Your mustache is disgusting. Stop touching it.
Schmidt: I'm rubbing it in.
Nick: You're just doing the mustache. Just...
Schmidt: If you hate my mustache, sir, then you hate me.
Nick: That's not true. I just don't like the mustache. It never would've happened if I was here! It never would've happened!
Schmidt: Don't make this about the mustache!

Russell: Nick, congratulations.
Nick: Hey. Thank you, thank you. Yeah, MagaTween Magazine is calling it "This year's longest Pepperwood."
Russell: No, I meant about the proposal.
Nick: Ah, you are such a sweetheart. Nobody ever talks about my book proposals. So, thank you. Some of my best work.
Russell: No, Nick, I just wanted to congratulate you on your engagement.
Jess: The Rio de Janeiro Civic Center next month.
Russell: That sounds cool. Can I come? I'm in and out of Rio all the time.
Jess: It's sold out.
Nick: It's all full?
Russell: Mm, maybe next time. Look, Nick, I just wanted to tell you how happy I am that you're finally getting married.
Jess: Aw, screw it. Nick, I'm sorry, I told Russell we're engaged.

Nick: Hey, are you okay?
Jess: Yeah, no, I'm okay. I'm so sorry about what I did. I just, I feel so stupid. I was just defensive and we're happy the way we are. I don't want you to get in your head and think we're not happy.
Nick: No, I don't, I'm great. Jess, you do not have to worry about ol' Nicky Blue Eyes. I'm good. You told Russell we're engaged, that's hilarious. Friggin' hilarious.
Jess: Really? You're not in your head? Because you kind of seem like you are.
Nick: I'm good. We cool. Are you cool?
Jess: Yeah.
Nick: Table for two at the We Cool café. This is hilarious.
Jess: If you say so.
Nick: I say so.
Jess: Cool. I'm gonna go lie on Ruth's bed and pretend I'm a giant.
Nick: Like a friggin' giant.

Schmidt: I know why you hate my mustache. You look at me and see a stay-at-home father. Just like I look at you and see a globe-trotting author who has thrice appeared on Book TV's Watchu Readin' with PP Jilbi. Yeah. Have our lives changed? Yeah, sure they have. But, like my mustache...
Nick: There's no deeper level. I don't like your mustache because I think it looks ugly on your face.
Schmidt: There's always a deeper level, Nick.
Nick: There's no deeper level.
Schmidt: There's always a deeper level, Nick!
Nick: That's what I'm saying, there's no deeper level!
Schmidt: There's always a deeper level, Nick!
Nick: Fine, Schmidt. I hate your mustache because I miss your upper lip. Okay? You happy now?
Schmidt: No, Nick, not happy now. Happy forever.