Hal Tucker: Ah, here. Hey, you're, ah, you're missin' two eggs here.
Adrian Monk: No, no. I only buy ten at a time. I know, it's crazy.
Hal Tucker: No, it makes perfect sense to me.
Adrian Monk: It does?
Hal Tucker: Yeah, I mean, why have a decimal system if you're not gonna use it? Ten at a time, it's brilliant. I mean, why 12?
Adrian Monk: Exactly. Twelve's so arbitrary.

Hal Tucker: What's this?
Adrian Monk: That's bubble wrap. Protect the apple.
Hal Tucker: Did they do this for you?
Adrian Monk: No, no. I bring my own. They- They always tease me about it.
Hal Tucker: Yeah, well, who's laughing now? Look at that thing. It's perfect. Where as mine it's all bruised and scuffed up. You're a genius.
Adrian Monk: I don't know about genius.
Hal Tucker: I like your style, ya know? You know, you play by your own rules.
Adrian Monk: That's one way of lookin' at it, I guess.

Adrian Monk: Why doesn't he call? It's been two and a half days.
Julie Teeger: Why don't you call him?
Adrian Monk: I did. I left 14 messages. I must have said something. Done something. I came on too strong. Scared him off. So now I'm back to zero friends.
Natalie: Mr. Monk, I'm your friend.
Adrian Monk: Because I pay you!
Natalie: You don't pay me that much.

Hal Tucker: Ah, this is the life, huh?
Adrian Monk: Yeah.
Hal Tucker: A Sonny Chow movie, pepperoni pizza, a couple of guys hanging out.
Adrian Monk: Absolutely. I'm sorry I had to send that first one back.
Hal Tucker: Oh, don't worry about it. No, you were totally right. Sliced ten ways makes all the difference.
Adrian Monk: That's all I'm sayin'.

Julie Teeger: There's this girl in my grade, Jenny Merrick. And when Becky Zucker stopped talking to her, you know what she did? She told everybody that Becky wets her bed.
Adrian Monk: [sarcastically] Thanks, Julie! [phone rings] That's him. That's him. It's him, it's him.
Natalie: But how do you know?
Adrian Monk: Who else could it be? You're right here. [giggles, answers phone] Hello? Yeah. She's right here. [to Julie] It's for you. It's your friend, Bonnie.
Julie Teeger: I'm sorry. I gave her this number. [on the phone] Hi. No, I can't talk right now. My mom's boss is crying again.

Adrian Monk: Candle's full of water. These are soaking wet. Okay, he was in the shower. Something happened, she said something. He was upset. He opened the shower curtain, didn't even bother to stop to turn off the water. He grabbed the top towel. Went into the other room and killed her.
Captain Stottlemeyer: You're pretty damned good when the toilet seat's down.

Adrian Monk: Oh, my God! Oh, my God! He's gonna be here any minute! Any minute! Julie, Julie, put on some music. Please, Natalie, don't go away. Stay- Stay right there. I need you. I need you. Which one? Which?!
Natalie: They're exactly-
Adrian Monk: Which one?!
Natalie: That one! Mr. Monk, you're gonna have a heart attack.
Adrian Monk: No, no. I'm fine. I'm okay. Just, uh... Just, uh... Keep going, ask me another one.
Natalie: Okay. What's a forward line?
Adrian Monk: Ah, in professional hockey. The forward line consists of the right wing and the left wing. And the center. This year the Sharks have had a outstanding forward line. Outstanding. Let's- Let's say their names. Okay, Joe Thornton. Oh, Kaspar--no!
Natalie: Mr. Monk, why don't you just be honest? Tell him it's your first game.
Adrian Monk: No, no, no. I tried that honesty thing. It was a total disaster.

Adrian Monk: No, no, Julie. Not classical. Put on something cool. You know, the rock and the roll.
Natalie: You don't have any rock and roll.
Adrian Monk: Well, not- Not classical. Anything but classical.
Natalie: Mr. Monk, he's just a guy. He can't be the first friend you've ever had. [Monk looks at Natalie] Oh.

Hal Tucker: Oh, my gosh! Are you okay? I am so sorry. That is all my fault. Man, they oughta put blinkers on these things. Is this yours or mine?
Adrian Monk: No, that- That's not mine. That's yours.
Hal Tucker: Yeah, well. Pretty much anything that can kill ya, that's gonna me be mine.
Adrian Monk: Yeah.
Hal Tucker: I mean, look at this. Soup for one, frozen meat loaf. I might as well wear a big sign that says, "divorced guy."
Adrian Monk: Yeah.

Hal Tucker: Hal, Hal Tucker.
Adrian Monk: Adrian Monk.
Hal Tucker: Yeah- Oh, did I do that?
Adrian Monk: Oh, it's nothing. Just a little juice. It's nothing.
Hal Tucker: You got to send me the bill for that.
Adrian Monk: No, no. I have a hundred shirts just like it at home. I mean, 99 now.
Hal Tucker: Well, I always pay my debts. Adrian Monk, I'm gonna look you up. I'm gonna pay you back.
[After Hal walks away, Monk takes his groceries bags and dumps them in the trash as he heads back into the supermarket]