Bartender: You came in around 2:00, you sang the song, you won the trophy, you threw up, and you collapsed on a table over there.
Adrian Monk: Was he alone?
Bartender: I didn't notice. About 10 minutes later you came back, you were all excited and you kept saying, "I solved the case!"
Captain Stottlemeyer: Anything else?
Bartender: No, sir, you just ran outside looking for a payphone.
Adrian Monk: You sat at this table and you solved the case.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Look, do you have any idea what I meant?
Bartender: No.
Woman: I do. You told me all about it.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Um... What exactly did I say?
Woman: I'll tell you on one condition.

Natalie: Listen, my friend Adrian Monk just checked in.
Lewis: Room 1525.
Natalie: That's right. Anyway, uh, he's a little peculiar. He has to have 60-watt light bulbs in all the lamps.
Lewis: 60-watt? Did you try Guest Services?
Natalie: Yeah, there were 10 people in front of me. Could you help me out? I would so appreciate it.
Lewis: Done. But you owe me one.

Woman: Those are different pants. Where are the jeans?
Captain Stottlemeyer: Look, lady, a deal is a deal. I sang the song, now tell me what I said last night.
Woman: All you said was, "They don't match."
Captain Stottlemeyer: "They don't match"? What doesn't match?
Woman: I don't know. You didn't say.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Wait, wait, wait, is that it? Is that all you got?
Woman: Leland. Sing it again. I just love the way you sing.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Thank you.

Natalie: Daniel Thorn has a mistress. She's a dancer at another casino.
Captain Stottlemeyer: How do you know that?
Natalie: Lewis the bellboy told me.
Adrian Monk: He told you just like that?
Natalie: Mmm-hmm.
Adrian Monk: Oh, that's right. You're cute.

Natalie: Mr. Monk, they're not naked.
Adrian Monk: They're naked-ish.
Natalie: Well, you can't argue with that. They are naked-ish.
Natalie: Where's the Captain?
Adrian Monk: He went back to get Randy out of the casino. He's down $4,000.
Natalie: What, he's never gonna leave. Nobody walks away. It's like a drug. I used to gamble. I had a big problem. That's why I left.

Teresa Telenko: I called in sick because I was sick. I miss a lot of shows. Would you like to see a note from my doctor? What happened to Sheryl Thorn was an accident. She was on that elevator alone and she choked to death.
Adrian Monk: I don't think so.
Teresa Telenko: Look, if you're gonna accuse me of something, the least you can do is look me in the eye.
Natalie: Mr. Monk, come on.
[Monk holds his hand out to block his sight of her below the neck]
Adrian Monk: Thorn killed her. I don't know how he did it, but he did it. I think you knew something about it, either before the fact or after.
Teresa Telenko: Are you arresting me?
Adrian Monk: No.
Teresa Telenko: Then I have a show to do. Excuse me.
Adrian Monk: Miss Telenko. When you talk to Mr. Thorn, you tell him that I'm not going anywhere. Tell him that he's smart, but I'm smarter. And I am gonna figure out how he did it. [Telenko walks off] Is she still there?

Adrian Monk: All right, we have about 10 minutes. Let me have the scarf.
Natalie: What are you doing?
Adrian Monk: We're reenacting the crime. You're the victim.
Natalie: What if- What if the elevator starts up? It'll get caught again.
Adrian Monk: It's not gonna get caught.
Natalie: Then you be the victim.
Adrian Monk: No, no, no, uh, Sharona was always the victim.
Natalie: Yeah, I'm sure she was.

Adrian Monk: [painful mumbling] Questions.
Daniel Thorn: Questions for me? No, I'm- I'm sorry. I'm on my way to a board meeting. I'm already late.
Adrian Monk: It won't take a minute. One- [coughs] One minute.
Daniel Thorn: Did I do something to offend you, sir? I mean, why don't you let this thing go? What happened to my wife was an accident. Ten witnesses saw her get onto the elevator alone. When it stopped, she was dead.
Adrian Monk: They said your wife was screaming for help. And that she called your name.
Daniel Thorn: Yeah, that's true. That's true. I- I will never forget that moment.
Adrian Monk: But just now, I was being strangled by the scarf like your wife, but I couldn't yell anything. I- I couldn't even breathe. How do you explain that, sir?

Daniel Thorn: I loved my wife, Mr. Monk.
Natalie: As much as you loved Terri Telenko?
Daniel Thorn: Yeah, I know you talked to Terri. Virtue was not one of my virtues, and, uh, Sheryl knew that. Uh, she accepted it. And, you know, she realized that being married to Daniel Thorn in this town had other compensations. Now you, you don't have any idea who you're dealing with, do you? Come here. Let... Let me show you somethin'. The local rag put this picture on the front page. Now, I asked them not to publish it and they ignored me. So yesterday morning, I bought controlling interest in that company so I could personally fire that son of a bitch editor and the photographer and the publisher. Now you understand? Now, that's who you're dealing with. I own this town. Now, Miss Teeger, you worked at the Bellagio.
Natalie: All right, so you've done your homework.
Daniel Thorn: Yes, so why don't you tell your friend what the first rule of Vegas is? The golden rule. The only rule. The house always wins. Always.

Adrian Monk: No, take take a card.
Natalie: No, he's got 18. You don't hit on 18.
Adrian Monk: The next card's low. It's a three, or maybe a two.
Natalie: Are you counting cards?
Adrian Monk: No. I'm remembering them.
Natalie: What do you mean you're remembering them? That's impossible. There are eight decks in that shoe.
Adrian Monk: One card, please. Hit him. Take the card.
Croupier: Sir?
Lieutenant Disher: Hit me.