Sharona: Look, I might have told her some things that weren't exactly true.
Adrian Monk: Like what?
Sharona: Like, Benjy's on the honor roll.
Adrian Monk: Oh, okay. No problem.
Sharona: Okay, thanks. Oh! Oh, oh, oh. And... And I also told her that my rent is only $900 a month. And-And-And- And I broke up with Steve, the florist I was dating. He didn't break up with me. Oh, oh. Oh, oh. And also that I am seeing a really nice guy, Ronnie, who's a stockbroker, but he's out of town this weekend. Oh, oh! Oh, oh. And- And you you have a full medical plan, including dental. And, uh, I'm not your assistant. I'm your partner. Is that okay?
Adrian Monk: Yeah. Wow! Congratulations.
Sharona: Thank you.

Adrian Monk: Did you happen to hear where she went?
Doorman: It's possible.
Sharona: Well- Well, where did she go? It's very important.
Doorman: Isn't it funny? I-I can't quite remember.
Adrian Monk: I get it. I get it. I get it. [gets wallet out] Memories are funny things. Uh, maybe this will help.
Doorman: Three dollars? Hey, buddy, I get three bucks for holding a door open.
Sharona: He wants more. Give him more.
Adrian Monk: He didn't do anything. I think three dollars is more than appropriate.
Sharona: Give him more.
Doorman: Oh, so we're up to four dollars now.
Adrian Monk: For 20 seconds of your time. I think that's not too shabby.
Sharona: You're the cheapest man I know. Here. Where'd she go?
Adrian Monk: What are you doing? Forty dollars?
Sharona: My sister's on death row. I think she's worth 40 dollars. Where'd she go?

Adrian Monk: Excuse me. Could I have my four dollars back?
Doorman: What?
Adrian Monk: We gave you 44 dollars.
Doorman: Yeah?
Adrian Monk: The bribe was only 40, so, you know...
Doorman: Are you for real?
Sharona: Will you come on?
Adrian Monk: O- Okay. Okay, but we have a four-dollar credit on any future bribes. I won't forget. I'm writing it down.

Sharona: So how'd it go, stud?
Adrian Monk: She did it. I don't know how she did it, but she did it. Let's go back to the theater and look around.
Sharona: Okay. So how did the dating go?
Adrian Monk: Oh, it was terrible. Thank God I'm not single.
Sharona: You are single.
Adrian Monk: Oh, yeah.

Captain Stottlemeyer: Excuse me, Your Honor. I would also like to mention that I have a consultant working on the case. He's a former homicide detective. He's somebody I respect a great deal, and, um, he has serious doubts about what happened.
Judge: What is his name?
Captain Stottlemeyer: Adrian Monk, Your Honor. He's, uh, in the courtroom, uh, and he's ready and willing to testify.
Judge: Oh, yes. I know Mr. Monk. Hello, Adrian.
Adrian Monk: Your Honor.
Judge: I, uh, presided over his last competency hearing. He couldn't testify until I adjusted my robe.
Captain Stottlemeyer: I remember.
Judge: You see, it had to be even.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Right.

Woman: Oh, excuse me. Have we registered?
Sharona: Uh, for what?
Woman: Speedy Dates. We do it here once a month.
Sharona: Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. I read an article about this. It's for singles. Instead of spending all night with one jerk, you get to meet 15 jerks at once.
Woman: Yeah, that's not exactly how we would describe it.

Adrian Monk: And Trudy and I were married for... seven years.
Speed Date Woman: I am so sorry.
Adrian Monk: It was a car bomb. Three pounds of plastic explosives under the driver's seat. I... I felt responsible. I think it was meant for me. And how about you? Have you ever been married?

Stage Manager: How do you know the play, Mr. Monk? It's brand-new. It's never been published.
Adrian Monk: I saw it last week, and, uh, must have memorized it by accident. Sorry.
Stage Manager: You memorized it after seeing it one time?
Adrian Monk: I'm so sorry.

Adrian Monk: You think I want your pocket change? You think that's why I came back?
Karl Sebastian: Okay, now, you push the table over. [Monk reluctantly tilts the table] You're an animal. Just-Just push it over.
Adrian Monk: Maybe my character wouldn't want to make too big a mess right-right here.
Karl Sebastian: She sent you to prison. You're... You're full of rage.
Adrian Monk: I have a thought. What if my character expresses his rage by putting away the groceries roughly?

Adrian Monk: Kathleen, what did the director mean when he said that Jenna made them hire Hal Duncan?
Kathleen: It was no secret Jenna wanted them to hire Hal. I'll tell you what I heard: She slept with the producer, then threatened to tell his wife unless they did.
Sharona: Why? Were they dating?
Kathleen: No. Nobody could figure it out. Jenna didn't even like the guy. He wasn't a great actor, or even a good actor. He was a character. Always wore sunglasses, even inside. Oh, and he was allergic to everything: Eggs, peanuts and shellfish. He wouldn't eat anything unless he made it himself. This might work, huh? What do you think?
Adrian Monk: Can't I just wear my own clothes? I'd- I'd rather wear my own clothes.
Kathleen: Uh, what- What do you have at home?
Sharona: Uh, well, he just has more of this. Basically this.